rethinking self esteem #6

I attended the graduation ceremony of the alternative program at my school. Seven students gave speeches. The unofficial theme was "I had no confidence."

I didn't like myself. 

I had no self esteem.

I thought I was a bad kid.

Speech after speech, they described learning to care about themselves before they could care about schoolwork and attendance. 

This makes sense. If you don't care about yourself, you don't care what happens to you. 

If you don't care about yourself, of course you don't care about grades or any future life prospects contingent upon those grades. 

Self esteem should be the star of the show and we treat it as if it's a bit player. 

How you feel about yourself is not a byproduct or a symptom of some larger issue or diagnosis.

It IS the issue.

Self esteem is the foundation upon which all mental health is built. 

  

It should have its own diagnosis.  

Self esteem deficiency 

I have been in this field long enough to know most people aren't good at recognizing their strengths. 

They don't like who they are.

They lack the confidence to try and fail. 

Their sense of self is entirely dependent on what others think of them.

We need a diagnosis to help people directly confront the real issue holding them back from being their real, true self.

Self esteem deficiency 

for information on individual therapy and feeling better about yourself, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking anxiety

A client has been working through multiple forms of anxiety/stress/fear/worry.

One of his triggers is thunderstorms and heavy rain.

What if the power goes out? What if it stays out for days? 

During a recent storm, it was raining with no end in sight.

Normally, his anxiety only ends when the rain stops.

Not this time.

He says he simply got tired of feeling anxious. 30 minutes was enough. He was not going to suffer through another storm, worrying for an unknown number of hours.

Instead of channeling his focus into multiple weather apps, he chose to move on with his life and resume regular activities. 

He called this anxiety fatigue.

He was tired of feeling anxious.

Tired of feeling physically exhausted from the worry.

Tired of missing out on life. 

So he chose to feel something else.    

And do something else.

And be something else. 

He's working on being the guy who lives his life because whatever happens, he has the confidence to deal with it.

That mindset is the blueprint he's using to tackle other fears and worries.

Having the confidence to face life's challenges.

He says he won't get tired of being that guy. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking better

you don't have to be perfect to be better.

we know this.

nobody goes to therapy hoping to be perfect.

everybody goes to therapy hoping to be better.

the problem is the negative thoughts creep in.

what if things don't go perfectly? 

what if I mess up? 

I better not try.

MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT THE SAME AS MUSCLE MEMORY!

you don't have to remind yourself how to walk.

or use a spoon.

or ride a bike.

you DO have to remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect to be better.

it's not instinct.

it's not autopilot.

it takes deliberate, conscious effort.

remind yourself as many times as you need to.

you do not have to be perfect to be better.

you do not have to be perfect to be better. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self care

i want to destroy the notion that self care is all about spending money, collecting stuff and going places.

these self care activities are 100% free. self care shouldn't break the bank.

self care needs no equipment. you don't have to depend on anything but you.

self care is not place specific. you don't have to go anywhere to take care of you.

self care is not time sensitive. It is available 24-7. you do not have to wait to take care of you.

1. breathe. it relaxes your body and is the starting point for everything else in life.

2. relax your body. life is easier when you are relaxed.

3. rethink your situation. identify and reshape the negative thoughts causing your discomfort. 

4. give yourself credit for the things you do well. 

BONUS: these are the ONLY 4 coping skills! yes, coping skills are self care.

5. remind yourself you don't have to be perfect to be doing well. 

6. remind yourself you don’t have to know everything. 

7. stop trying to do what is right. do what is right FOR YOU. there is no universal right answer, and no matter what you do, someone is unhappy. don't let that someone be you.

8. learn to forgive yourself.

9. forgive others. holding a grudge is self careless. forgiveness is for you, not them. 

10. state things in the affirmative. you cannot do a negative!!! if you don't believe me, next time you go to a restaurant, tell them you don't want a hamburger.  

11. say no. good people can say no. saying yes to everything is self careless. the best thing you can do for others is to take care of yourself. 

12. be selfish sometimes. it's ok to put yourself first. being selfish is self care. find the balance.

13. appreciate small moments of self care. it would be great if we had that 4 hour block of time when we have nothing else to do. great, but not realistic. you can care for yourself a lot in 4 minutes.

14. appreciate who you are. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!!

15. give yourself the praise you wish others would give you.

16. be nice to yourself (it's more than treats & trips),

17. be nice to yourself (it's more than treats & trips).

18. be nice to yourself (it's more than treats & trips).

19. know that self care is about being happier with who you are than with what you have.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #5

an actual conversation...

me: let's say you have a friend that moved halfway across the country to go to college in a place where they knew nobody. how would you describe that person?

client: adventurous. interesting. courageous.

me: you did that. you moved halfway across the country for college. have you ever described yourself as adventurous, interesting and courageous? 

client: no. 

if you want to improve your self esteem, see in yourself what you see in others. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #4

money CAN buy you happiness.

stuff DOES make you happy.

the problem is there is a difference between happiness and self esteem.

money can't buy self esteem. 

stuff doesn't make you feel better about yourself. you just feel better about the stuff you own. 

we have to draw a distinction between happy with what you own and happy with who you are. 

self esteem comes entirely from within.

self esteem allows you to be happy with yourself regardless of what you do or don't own. 

when you have healthy self esteem, you are still happy with yourself 

even when things break

or go out of style

or get lost

or lose their appeal. 

we spend so much time chasing happiness.

we should spend more time creating self esteem.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #3

BEING NICE TO YOURSELF IS SELF CARE!!!

people are really bad at recognizing and embracing their strengths and positive qualities.

they don't know how to be nice to themselves.

this goes beyond treating yourself to expensive gadgets and fancy meals.

what good are the trappings of consumerism if you still think you are a miserable bum?

who wants to be a well fed miserable bum with a basement full of junk?

and being nice to yourself is not about what you do.

it's about who you are.

there's a HUUUUUUGE difference between "I can play guitar" and "i'm creative and constantly improving my skills and I'm open to new ideas and sounds..."

maybe you are good at guitar, or cooking, or dancing, or whatever you enjoy.

but to have healthy self esteem you have to embrace the underneath skills that allow you to perform so well.

if you never play guitar again, or cook another meal, or dance another step

you are still creative and flexible and open to new ideas.

you don't have to be the best to like yourself.

you don't have to be perfect to like yourself.

you don't have to be better than anyone to like yourself.

you just have to embrace who you are.

and be nice to yourself.

because being nice to yourself is self care.




for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com