rethinking self esteem #5

an actual conversation...

me: let's say you have a friend that moved halfway across the country to go to college in a place where they knew nobody. how would you describe that person?

client: adventurous. interesting. courageous.

me: you did that. you moved halfway across the country for college. have you ever described yourself as adventurous, interesting and courageous? 

client: no. 

if you want to improve your self esteem, see in yourself what you see in others. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #4

money CAN buy you happiness.

stuff DOES make you happy.

the problem is there is a difference between happiness and self esteem.

money can't buy self esteem. 

stuff doesn't make you feel better about yourself. you just feel better about the stuff you own. 

we have to draw a distinction between happy with what you own and happy with who you are. 

self esteem comes entirely from within.

self esteem allows you to be happy with yourself regardless of what you do or don't own. 

when you have healthy self esteem, you are still happy with yourself 

even when things break

or go out of style

or get lost

or lose their appeal. 

we spend so much time chasing happiness.

we should spend more time creating self esteem.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #3

BEING NICE TO YOURSELF IS SELF CARE!!!

people are really bad at recognizing and embracing their strengths and positive qualities.

they don't know how to be nice to themselves.

this goes beyond treating yourself to expensive gadgets and fancy meals.

what good are the trappings of consumerism if you still think you are a miserable bum?

who wants to be a well fed miserable bum with a basement full of junk?

and being nice to yourself is not about what you do.

it's about who you are.

there's a HUUUUUUGE difference between "I can play guitar" and "i'm creative and constantly improving my skills and I'm open to new ideas and sounds..."

maybe you are good at guitar, or cooking, or dancing, or whatever you enjoy.

but to have healthy self esteem you have to embrace the underneath skills that allow you to perform so well.

if you never play guitar again, or cook another meal, or dance another step

you are still creative and flexible and open to new ideas.

you don't have to be the best to like yourself.

you don't have to be perfect to like yourself.

you don't have to be better than anyone to like yourself.

you just have to embrace who you are.

and be nice to yourself.

because being nice to yourself is self care.




for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #2

recently a client told me he had an epiphany at work. he said he realized he was good at what he did.

I was equally encouraged and disheartened by his statement. 

i was encouraged because he reached a point we've worked so hard to get to.  

healthy self esteem is the foundation upon which all mental health is built. if you don't feel good about yourself, nothing else matters. 

but I was discouraged by his use of the word epiphany. 

epiphanies are big and exotic and rare. otherworldly revelations. 

they lead to the discovery of gravity or a cure for polio. 

feeling good about yourself should be the exact opposite of this. 

recognizing your strengths and positive qualities isn't a once-in-a-lifetime event.  

it should be as routine as putting on socks before shoes. 

you did something. feel good about it. 

we need to normalize accepting that we are good. and good at doing things. and we deserve credit for what we do.

you don't have to be the best to like yourself.

you don't have to be perfect to like yourself.

you don't have to be better than anyone to like yourself.

you just have to like what you do.

and like yourself.

every day. 

as many times as you want.

 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem

I saw a friend recently. I knew she was training for an ironman triathelon, so I asked how she did.

she had to stop halfway through the marathon because of a knee injury. 

the marathon, 26.2 miles, is the third stage.

first she swam 2.4 miles.

then she biked 112 miles. 

then she ran 13 miles before calling it a day.

I told her what she did was really impressive.  

she said she didn't finish, so she failed.

it breaks my heart that she accomplished so much and convinced herself that she had done practically nothing.

training for an ironman in and of itself is a feat worth celebrating. 

completing even one stage takes amazing effort.

my friend deserves to feel better about what she did. and about herself. 

the only way to build self esteem is to recognize and embrace what you do.

it's the only way.

my friend did so much but only saw the 13 miles she couldn't complete.

I'm afraid that even if she did finish, her time wouldn't be good enough.

she should have biked harder.

trained more.

feeling good about yourself has nothing to do with winning.

or being perfect.

or being better than others.

it's as simple as recognizing and embracing what you do.

recognize and embrace what you do.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

rethinking the new year's resolution

I took the liberty of writing your new year's resolution.

here's the short version. 

be nice to yourself.

here's the extended remix.

give yourself the compliments you wish everyone else would give you.

give yourself credit for the things you do that you wish others would notice.

give yourself credit for the stuff you do that nobody sees. 

remind yourself that you do things well. 

and you don't have to be perfect. 

and forgive yourself when you think you mess up.

but most of all,

be nice to yourself.

and don't have a happy new year.

make a happy new year. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking appreciation #27

i started this appreciation exercise 6 months ago. 

i've appreciated small things (punctuation marks)

and big things (friendship)

and all things in between, from knees to hotel beds and tree limbs. 

honestly, and foolishly, I thought it would be easier. 

how hard is it to appreciate my embarrassment of riches? 

a cozy couch to sit on

and big windows to look out of

with a lovely view of trees and neighbors.

as it turns out, 

some days appreciation is hard. 

appreciating what you have takes constant work

and deliberate reminders. 

there is no muscle memory

or autopilot. 

if you want to bring more appreciation into your life,

or gratitude,

or thankfulness,

whatever works for you,

be ready to do the work. 

and know that I appreciate your effort.

but more than that...

appreciate yourself. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com