rethinking men's issues #12

Men, we have established that if your inside doesn't match your outside, you are screwed. Emotions overflow. You fall apart. Bad things happen. 

Your inside always wins.

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, your inside always comes out, at the worst time and in the worst way.

How can we bring these two mortal rivals into alignment? Make them see eye to eye? 

The answer is simple AND something men struggle to do. 

Be nice to yourself. 

Don't leave. Let me explain. 

Think back to the example from my previous post. You're angry at work, but you hold it in...until you get home and explode on whoever you live with.

You're calm on the outside, but the inside is all the angry thoughts.

They're taking advantage of me.

This idiot needs to know how stupid they are. 

I feel week and I look soft. 

What if you told yourself something more complimentary and supportive?

I handled that well. 

I avoided another meeting in my boss's office.

That was impressive. I'm pretty good at my job.

This staying calm thing actually feels better than getting angry.

Stop sabotaging your own success with the thoughts of revenge and anger.

If you are doing well, acknowledge it.

Tell yourself all the nice things you wish others would tell you.

Let the inside match the outside.

Be nice to yourself. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #11

Men, I know where a lot of you lose it every day.

Your inside doesn't match your outside. 

You work so hard to keep it contained, but the inside always wins. 

It always comes out, usually at the worst times and in the worst ways.

Here's an example. 

Your annoying boss/incompetent co-worker/idiot customer does something stupid to piss you all the way off.

You can't blow up at work because you need your job.

You keep your cool on the outside.

Yes sir...no ma'am...we can just...I understand...not a problem...happens all the time...

On the inside you are a volcano of anger, bubbling to tell the idiot exactly how stupid they are. 

The inside doesn't match the outside.

You go home. Your spouse/kids/roommate says something, and before you know it you are exploding on someone who didn't cause and doesn't deserve your anger. 

The inside doesn't match the outside. 

Staying calm on the outside and raging on the inside is like washing and waxing your car every week but never changing the oil. Inevitably, that engine is going to blow up somewhere on the interstate about 100 miles from the nearest mechanic. 

It doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend keeping it all locked up.

If the inside doesn't match the outside, you are screwed.

Because the inside always wins.

Come back next week and we'll talk about how to bring those two into alignment. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #10

Be a man.

 

Be manly. Do manly things.

That's the goal so many men are shooting for.

We have this image of ourselves as the independent cowboy blazing trails of testosterone across the plains.

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

In reality, we do what we do in the name of manhood based on the centuries of men who came before us.

Are you the first man in history who thinks it's manly to drink a beer? 

Or bench press 250 pounds?

Or never show fear?

Never admit defeat? 

Never ask for help?

Every day, men make decisions they know are mentally, physically and emotionally harmful to themselves, all because I'm a man and that's what men do!

Luckily, there's a simple solution.

YOU GET TO DEFINE WHAT MANHOOD MEANS TO YOU!!!

Stop taking your manhood cues from pirates, gangsters and cowboys who lived by different rules in different eras. 

Be your own man. 

Do what makes sense to you.

Do what feels right for you.

Isn't that what a real man would do?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #9

Men, you always find what you are looking for.

Even if you are looking at yourself.

Imagine you are at the gym, lifting weights.

Surrounded by younger, stronger people lifting weights.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? 

1. This is embarrassing. I can't compete with these muscle heads.

2. I am so lame. I used to lift twice this much.

3. I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm still pretty good for my age.

4. I might not look different, but I feel better. 

5. Anything I'm doing at the gym is better than sitting on my couch watching a screen. 

Which one of these guys makes you feel better about yourself?

Which one of these guys do you want to be? 

Next time you look in the mirror, remember this: you always find what you are looking for.

Even when you are looking at yourself. 

 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #8

my friend and i were sitting at the counter of a diner, waiting for breakfast, lamenting the lack of admirable people in the world.

news fatigue is real.

our phones are constantly force feeding us a steady diet of doomsday prophecies and immorality.

here's a headline you will never see: celebrity X paid their taxes in full AND on time.

where are the good people?

is anyone worthy of our admiration?

then the waitress brought our food.

a breakfast burrito and a breakfast sandwich, both with home fries and bottomless coffee.

side note: diner food is one of the great cuisines of the world, and that is a hill i will die on.

and there it was.

the friendly wait staff was working their asses off on a saturday morning for our comfort.

the flattop wizard in the back made sure our eggs were cheesy and the potatoes were seasoned.

the lobby was packed with patient diners waiting to support a deserving local business.

and before we knew it, with no help from our phones or social media, we were surrounded by people worthy of our admiration.

because you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #7

men, mental health isn't math. 

one plus one doesn't always equal two.

when it comes to thoughts and emotions, there are very few absolutes.

this is one of them.

you always find what you are looking for.

whether you are looking at someone, something, or yourself, you always find what you are looking for.

consider this: your team lost by 4 points. what are you looking for?

a. the coach sucks. the GM sucks. this team sucks. season over!

b. could the referees be any worse? not a single call went our way.

c. the other team was better. with a few lucky bounces, we could have pulled this one out.

d. i didn't go hungry. hot dogs always taste better at the park/stadium/fairway...

e. who cares about wins and losses? I spent the day with my friend/kid/dad/spouse...

f. i'm just here for the bobbleheads!!!

every one of these statements can be true. which one do you want to be true for you?

if you want to find a reason to be angry that a group of strangers lost a game, you can absolutely find a reason to be angry at the group of strangers.

if being angry at the group of strangers playing a game doesn't sound appealing to you, then look for another takeaway. 

think of it as an emotional souvenir, one that won't collect dust in your basement for the next 20 years.

win or lose, you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

  

rethinking men's issues #6

Men, if we're being honest, a big chunk of therapy is telling you stuff you already know.

Helping you develop the courage to believe what you are thinking.

Encouraging you to trust your judgement.

I say all that to say this.

You know ignoring your emotions and trauma and pain is destroying you.

This is not new information.

You know you are spending too much time and energy running from what is in your own head.

Keeping your emotions suppressed is like running a marathon while carrying two bowling balls.

It saps your energy and beats you down.

It clouds your judgement. 

It prevents you from performing your best.

You know you can't run from yourself forever. 

Therapy is your opportunity to unpack all the stuff you have been lugging around for far too long. 

Give yourself some physical, mental and emotional relief.

It's time to lighten your load.

But you know that. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com