rethinking men's issues #14

It's too early.

It's too late.

It's too hot.

It's too cold.

It might rain. 

It's a full moon.

It's the day before the day before black Friday.

I might look stupid.

I might not be perfect.

Men, we are really good at making excuses.

We can always think of a million reasons not to do something. 

But what if we used our power for good?

Generate reasons to do something. 

It might be fun.

It's a new experience. 

I could meet someone new. 

I could run into someone I know.

This could lead to other opportunities. 

Every time you hit the fork in the road, ask yourself what kind of person you want to be.

Do you want to be the person that lets excuses hold you back?

Do you want to be the person who lives the life they want to live?

What kind of person do you want to be?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #13

The world cup and mental health? 

Yes, I'm going there. Soccer lends itself so easily to what is the most important characteristic for good mental health.

I'm a lifelong soccer player, AND I understand why people think it's boring. 

Kick the ball. Chase the ball. Roll on the ground clutching your ankle like you've been tramped by an elephant in golf shoes.

If you watch soccer expecting highlight moves every 6 seconds and a tidal wave of scoring, you will be disappointed. Kind of like life. 

The game becomes more fascinating and enjoyable when you appreciate what the players are doing. Again, kind of like life.  

APPRECIATION: the most important characteristic for good mental health.

Feet are the body part we use the most and think about the least. 

We consciously ask nothing of them. Left right left right. Don't trip over each other. That is muscle memory, not a request. 

A soccer player's ultimate weapon is their feet. 

Accurately kicking a ball 30 to 40 yards is routine. That's farther than most people can throw a ball regardless of how close they get to the target. If an NFL quarterback accurately completes a 40-yard pass, we put him on cereal boxes.  

Soccer players can kick the ball 50 to 60 miles an hour, as fast as you drive your car. Believe me when I tell you taking a soccer ball off the thigh at 50 MPH leaves a bruise. 

They are dribbling through traffic with their feet, kind of like an NBA point guard, if the point guard couldn't use their hands. 

But they never score!!! 90 minutes and maybe a goal.  

In most areas of life, we appreciate something more when we have less of it.  

When you think about it that way, 1-0 doesn't look so bad after all. 

I don't expect you to pick a favorite team and paint a flag on your face. Truth is, you don't have to like something to appreciate it. But if you want to understand what the rest of the world loves about soccer, appreciation is a good place to start. 

Kind of like life.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #12

Men, we have established that if your inside doesn't match your outside, you are screwed. Emotions overflow. You fall apart. Bad things happen. 

Your inside always wins.

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, your inside always comes out, at the worst time and in the worst way.

How can we bring these two mortal rivals into alignment? Make them see eye to eye? 

The answer is simple AND something men struggle to do. 

Be nice to yourself. 

Don't leave. Let me explain. 

Think back to the example from my previous post. You're angry at work, but you hold it in...until you get home and explode on whoever you live with.

You're calm on the outside, but the inside is all the angry thoughts.

They're taking advantage of me.

This idiot needs to know how stupid they are. 

I feel week and I look soft. 

What if you told yourself something more complimentary and supportive?

I handled that well. 

I avoided another meeting in my boss's office.

That was impressive. I'm pretty good at my job.

This staying calm thing actually feels better than getting angry.

Stop sabotaging your own success with the thoughts of revenge and anger.

If you are doing well, acknowledge it.

Tell yourself all the nice things you wish others would tell you.

Let the inside match the outside.

Be nice to yourself. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #11

Men, I know where a lot of you lose it every day.

Your inside doesn't match your outside. 

You work so hard to keep it contained, but the inside always wins. 

It always comes out, usually at the worst times and in the worst ways.

Here's an example. 

Your annoying boss/incompetent co-worker/idiot customer does something stupid to piss you all the way off.

You can't blow up at work because you need your job.

You keep your cool on the outside.

Yes sir...no ma'am...we can just...I understand...not a problem...happens all the time...

On the inside you are a volcano of anger, bubbling to tell the idiot exactly how stupid they are. 

The inside doesn't match the outside.

You go home. Your spouse/kids/roommate says something, and before you know it you are exploding on someone who didn't cause and doesn't deserve your anger. 

The inside doesn't match the outside. 

Staying calm on the outside and raging on the inside is like washing and waxing your car every week but never changing the oil. Inevitably, that engine is going to blow up somewhere on the interstate about 100 miles from the nearest mechanic. 

It doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend keeping it all locked up.

If the inside doesn't match the outside, you are screwed.

Because the inside always wins.

Come back next week and we'll talk about how to bring those two into alignment. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #10

Be a man.

 

Be manly. Do manly things.

That's the goal so many men are shooting for.

We have this image of ourselves as the independent cowboy blazing trails of testosterone across the plains.

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

In reality, we do what we do in the name of manhood based on the centuries of men who came before us.

Are you the first man in history who thinks it's manly to drink a beer? 

Or bench press 250 pounds?

Or never show fear?

Never admit defeat? 

Never ask for help?

Every day, men make decisions they know are mentally, physically and emotionally harmful to themselves, all because I'm a man and that's what men do!

Luckily, there's a simple solution.

YOU GET TO DEFINE WHAT MANHOOD MEANS TO YOU!!!

Stop taking your manhood cues from pirates, gangsters and cowboys who lived by different rules in different eras. 

Be your own man. 

Do what makes sense to you.

Do what feels right for you.

Isn't that what a real man would do?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #9

Men, you always find what you are looking for.

Even if you are looking at yourself.

Imagine you are at the gym, lifting weights.

Surrounded by younger, stronger people lifting weights.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? 

1. This is embarrassing. I can't compete with these muscle heads.

2. I am so lame. I used to lift twice this much.

3. I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm still pretty good for my age.

4. I might not look different, but I feel better. 

5. Anything I'm doing at the gym is better than sitting on my couch watching a screen. 

Which one of these guys makes you feel better about yourself?

Which one of these guys do you want to be? 

Next time you look in the mirror, remember this: you always find what you are looking for.

Even when you are looking at yourself. 

 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #8

my friend and i were sitting at the counter of a diner, waiting for breakfast, lamenting the lack of admirable people in the world.

news fatigue is real.

our phones are constantly force feeding us a steady diet of doomsday prophecies and immorality.

here's a headline you will never see: celebrity X paid their taxes in full AND on time.

where are the good people?

is anyone worthy of our admiration?

then the waitress brought our food.

a breakfast burrito and a breakfast sandwich, both with home fries and bottomless coffee.

side note: diner food is one of the great cuisines of the world, and that is a hill i will die on.

and there it was.

the friendly wait staff was working their asses off on a saturday morning for our comfort.

the flattop wizard in the back made sure our eggs were cheesy and the potatoes were seasoned.

the lobby was packed with patient diners waiting to support a deserving local business.

and before we knew it, with no help from our phones or social media, we were surrounded by people worthy of our admiration.

because you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com