Rethinking men's issues #19

Men, we cling to two conflicting beliefs.

1. Change sucks.

2. We have to change.

Change sucks! LET'S GOOOOO!!!

 

That is textbook setting yourself up for failure. Of course you aren't finishing the thing that sucks.

Luckily, you don't have to change anything about you. Here's the proof.

Think of something you wish you could change about you.

This should be a quality, like more patient (less angry). 

Open to new ideas (less stuck in your ways).

Assertive (speaking up for yourself).

Willing and able to say no (putting your needs first).

Do you have the thing you want to change about you?

Now think of a time when you were that thing. 

Even if you have to go back to second grade

and it only happened once.

If you look hard enough, you will realize that you already are everything you want to be.

You don't have to change anything. 

Find your best qualities,

and be those things more often.

You already are everything you want to be.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #18

Fifteen years ago, Mark started at the bottom of the company. 

His boss kept giving him bigger and harder jobs.

He'd tell the boss he has never done that and doesn't know what he's doing.

The boss would say, "You can do it. I believe in you." 

Today Mark is still with the company, and the only person higher on the ladder is the boss who pushed him to do more.  

He told me there's nothing he can't do, because 15 years ago, one person believed in him.

And now he believes in himself.

I told Mark he should be a therapist because he gets it. 

Men, strip away all the jargon, the acronyms, the theories and systems, and therapy is about one person listening to you

and believing in you

and encouraging you to be a better version of yourself.

Because when someone else believes in you, 

you eventually start to believe in yourself.

All of mental health is built on a foundation of confidence.

Without it, everything else falls apart. 

Men, you say you don't want therapy or a therapist.

Fine. But ask yourself one question.

Do you want one person in your life who listens to you

and believes in you

and encourages you to be a better version of yourself? 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com  

rethinking men's issues #17

Men, every athlete who has ever been injured, which is every athlete, will tell you the emotional recovery is more difficult than the physical recovery. 

Your body is ready to get back in the game.

The knee heals.

The ankle heals.

The shoulder heals. 

But the brain remembers.

How long before that voice in your head stops asking am I really ready?

Can I perform as well as before?

When will I reinjure myself?

How long before you can run and jump and move 

without worrying about every step and twist and landing?

Healing emotionally takes time.

You know this. 

Your ego won't let you admit it. 

As long as you are fighting with yourself, you will never fully heal. 

When you have been hurt, give your mind the same chance to recover that you give your body. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #16

Men, your garage full of tools doesn't magically fix anything without you.

You have to use the tools. You have to do the work.

Your fancy grill/smoker with all the equipment doesn't make dinner by itself.

You have to use the tools. You have to do the work.

The exercise equipment collecting dust in your basement? 

You know.

Therapy works the exact same way.

You have to use the tools. You have to do the work. 

 

People ask me all the time if therapy works.

I tell them it only works if they do.

I can teach you the 4 coping skills (yes, there are only 4), anger management skills and communication skills, but it only means something if you are willing to put it all into action.

Same as your smoker, table saw or kettle bell.  

Men, when you are ready to see a therapist, be ready to do the work.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #15

How can I be calm when I need to be calm?

This problem is as common as it is misunderstood. 

 

Men, here's the big secret about getting and staying calm.

Being calm is a skill.

Like every other skill you possess, the more you do it, the better you get.

Being calm is the same as sinking a putt.

Or a free throw.

Or making a cold call from your office.

Or speaking to a crowd of 500. 

If you want to get better at something, you practice. 

And practice. 

And practice some more. 

Constantly refining your technique.

I encourage all of my clients to explore yoga, mindfulness or meditation, whatever feels right for them.

Each philosophy is about helping you build bodily and mental self awareness, two elements fundamental to getting and staying calm. 

Pick an approach and practice being calm. 

Being calm is a skill.

The more you do it, the better you get. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #14

It's too early.

It's too late.

It's too hot.

It's too cold.

It might rain. 

It's a full moon.

It's the day before the day before black Friday.

I might look stupid.

I might not be perfect.

Men, we are really good at making excuses.

We can always think of a million reasons not to do something. 

But what if we used our power for good?

Generate reasons to do something. 

It might be fun.

It's a new experience. 

I could meet someone new. 

I could run into someone I know.

This could lead to other opportunities. 

Every time you hit the fork in the road, ask yourself what kind of person you want to be.

Do you want to be the person that lets excuses hold you back?

Do you want to be the person who lives the life they want to live?

What kind of person do you want to be?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #13

The world cup and mental health? 

Yes, I'm going there. Soccer lends itself so easily to what is the most important characteristic for good mental health.

I'm a lifelong soccer player, AND I understand why people think it's boring. 

Kick the ball. Chase the ball. Roll on the ground clutching your ankle like you've been tramped by an elephant in golf shoes.

If you watch soccer expecting highlight moves every 6 seconds and a tidal wave of scoring, you will be disappointed. Kind of like life. 

The game becomes more fascinating and enjoyable when you appreciate what the players are doing. Again, kind of like life.  

APPRECIATION: the most important characteristic for good mental health.

Feet are the body part we use the most and think about the least. 

We consciously ask nothing of them. Left right left right. Don't trip over each other. That is muscle memory, not a request. 

A soccer player's ultimate weapon is their feet. 

Accurately kicking a ball 30 to 40 yards is routine. That's farther than most people can throw a ball regardless of how close they get to the target. If an NFL quarterback accurately completes a 40-yard pass, we put him on cereal boxes.  

Soccer players can kick the ball 50 to 60 miles an hour, as fast as you drive your car. Believe me when I tell you taking a soccer ball off the thigh at 50 MPH leaves a bruise. 

They are dribbling through traffic with their feet, kind of like an NBA point guard, if the point guard couldn't use their hands. 

But they never score!!! 90 minutes and maybe a goal.  

In most areas of life, we appreciate something more when we have less of it.  

When you think about it that way, 1-0 doesn't look so bad after all. 

I don't expect you to pick a favorite team and paint a flag on your face. Truth is, you don't have to like something to appreciate it. But if you want to understand what the rest of the world loves about soccer, appreciation is a good place to start. 

Kind of like life.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #12

Men, we have established that if your inside doesn't match your outside, you are screwed. Emotions overflow. You fall apart. Bad things happen. 

Your inside always wins.

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, your inside always comes out, at the worst time and in the worst way.

How can we bring these two mortal rivals into alignment? Make them see eye to eye? 

The answer is simple AND something men struggle to do. 

Be nice to yourself. 

Don't leave. Let me explain. 

Think back to the example from my previous post. You're angry at work, but you hold it in...until you get home and explode on whoever you live with.

You're calm on the outside, but the inside is all the angry thoughts.

They're taking advantage of me.

This idiot needs to know how stupid they are. 

I feel week and I look soft. 

What if you told yourself something more complimentary and supportive?

I handled that well. 

I avoided another meeting in my boss's office.

That was impressive. I'm pretty good at my job.

This staying calm thing actually feels better than getting angry.

Stop sabotaging your own success with the thoughts of revenge and anger.

If you are doing well, acknowledge it.

Tell yourself all the nice things you wish others would tell you.

Let the inside match the outside.

Be nice to yourself. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #11

Men, I know where a lot of you lose it every day.

Your inside doesn't match your outside. 

You work so hard to keep it contained, but the inside always wins. 

It always comes out, usually at the worst times and in the worst ways.

Here's an example. 

Your annoying boss/incompetent co-worker/idiot customer does something stupid to piss you all the way off.

You can't blow up at work because you need your job.

You keep your cool on the outside.

Yes sir...no ma'am...we can just...I understand...not a problem...happens all the time...

On the inside you are a volcano of anger, bubbling to tell the idiot exactly how stupid they are. 

The inside doesn't match the outside.

You go home. Your spouse/kids/roommate says something, and before you know it you are exploding on someone who didn't cause and doesn't deserve your anger. 

The inside doesn't match the outside. 

Staying calm on the outside and raging on the inside is like washing and waxing your car every week but never changing the oil. Inevitably, that engine is going to blow up somewhere on the interstate about 100 miles from the nearest mechanic. 

It doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend keeping it all locked up.

If the inside doesn't match the outside, you are screwed.

Because the inside always wins.

Come back next week and we'll talk about how to bring those two into alignment. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #10

Be a man.

 

Be manly. Do manly things.

That's the goal so many men are shooting for.

We have this image of ourselves as the independent cowboy blazing trails of testosterone across the plains.

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

In reality, we do what we do in the name of manhood based on the centuries of men who came before us.

Are you the first man in history who thinks it's manly to drink a beer? 

Or bench press 250 pounds?

Or never show fear?

Never admit defeat? 

Never ask for help?

Every day, men make decisions they know are mentally, physically and emotionally harmful to themselves, all because I'm a man and that's what men do!

Luckily, there's a simple solution.

YOU GET TO DEFINE WHAT MANHOOD MEANS TO YOU!!!

Stop taking your manhood cues from pirates, gangsters and cowboys who lived by different rules in different eras. 

Be your own man. 

Do what makes sense to you.

Do what feels right for you.

Isn't that what a real man would do?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #9

Men, you always find what you are looking for.

Even if you are looking at yourself.

Imagine you are at the gym, lifting weights.

Surrounded by younger, stronger people lifting weights.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? 

1. This is embarrassing. I can't compete with these muscle heads.

2. I am so lame. I used to lift twice this much.

3. I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm still pretty good for my age.

4. I might not look different, but I feel better. 

5. Anything I'm doing at the gym is better than sitting on my couch watching a screen. 

Which one of these guys makes you feel better about yourself?

Which one of these guys do you want to be? 

Next time you look in the mirror, remember this: you always find what you are looking for.

Even when you are looking at yourself. 

 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #8

my friend and i were sitting at the counter of a diner, waiting for breakfast, lamenting the lack of admirable people in the world.

news fatigue is real.

our phones are constantly force feeding us a steady diet of doomsday prophecies and immorality.

here's a headline you will never see: celebrity X paid their taxes in full AND on time.

where are the good people?

is anyone worthy of our admiration?

then the waitress brought our food.

a breakfast burrito and a breakfast sandwich, both with home fries and bottomless coffee.

side note: diner food is one of the great cuisines of the world, and that is a hill i will die on.

and there it was.

the friendly wait staff was working their asses off on a saturday morning for our comfort.

the flattop wizard in the back made sure our eggs were cheesy and the potatoes were seasoned.

the lobby was packed with patient diners waiting to support a deserving local business.

and before we knew it, with no help from our phones or social media, we were surrounded by people worthy of our admiration.

because you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #7

men, mental health isn't math. 

one plus one doesn't always equal two.

when it comes to thoughts and emotions, there are very few absolutes.

this is one of them.

you always find what you are looking for.

whether you are looking at someone, something, or yourself, you always find what you are looking for.

consider this: your team lost by 4 points. what are you looking for?

a. the coach sucks. the GM sucks. this team sucks. season over!

b. could the referees be any worse? not a single call went our way.

c. the other team was better. with a few lucky bounces, we could have pulled this one out.

d. i didn't go hungry. hot dogs always taste better at the park/stadium/fairway...

e. who cares about wins and losses? I spent the day with my friend/kid/dad/spouse...

f. i'm just here for the bobbleheads!!!

every one of these statements can be true. which one do you want to be true for you?

if you want to find a reason to be angry that a group of strangers lost a game, you can absolutely find a reason to be angry at the group of strangers.

if being angry at the group of strangers playing a game doesn't sound appealing to you, then look for another takeaway. 

think of it as an emotional souvenir, one that won't collect dust in your basement for the next 20 years.

win or lose, you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

  

rethinking men's issues #6

Men, if we're being honest, a big chunk of therapy is telling you stuff you already know.

Helping you develop the courage to believe what you are thinking.

Encouraging you to trust your judgement.

I say all that to say this.

You know ignoring your emotions and trauma and pain is destroying you.

This is not new information.

You know you are spending too much time and energy running from what is in your own head.

Keeping your emotions suppressed is like running a marathon while carrying two bowling balls.

It saps your energy and beats you down.

It clouds your judgement. 

It prevents you from performing your best.

You know you can't run from yourself forever. 

Therapy is your opportunity to unpack all the stuff you have been lugging around for far too long. 

Give yourself some physical, mental and emotional relief.

It's time to lighten your load.

But you know that. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #5

A lot of men are skeptical of therapy. Reluctant. Afraid.

Men, let me tell you what therapy really is.

Therapy is practice. Real world is game time.

You want to be more honest with yourself?

Work on anger management?

Reshape negative thinking?

Therapy is where you practice all of that.

Then when you get good at it, you put your new skills to use in the real world.

With your friends.

Or spouse.

Or at work.

Michael Jordan isn't the GOAT because he was good in practice.

He practiced.

The same skills.

Over and over.

Because when the game started...

when it mattered the most...

He wanted to be his best.

As the story goes, nobody outworked Michael Jordan in practice.  

Whether it's jumpers or honesty...

or anger management skills...

or negative thinking...

We have to practice to get better.

Therapy is practice. Real world is game time.







for information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #4

Empathy.

It's one of those words that has been shotgun blasted into the zeitgeist, but what does it really mean?

Men, let's simplify empathy. Strip it to the studs. 

Empathy is listening to another person for the sole purpose of understanding them. 

Empathy equals understanding.

Empathy is not about agreeing with someone.

It is acceptable to say "I don't agree, but I understand."

Empathy is not about right and wrong. It's not a contest.

Empathy is not about fixing something.

Not every problem can be solved with duct tape. 

Empathy is your willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Walk a mile in them.

And say "Wow! That's what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes."

You aren't criticizing their choice of footwear.

Or suggesting a better, more efficient path.

Or bragging that you could have walked it faster.

You are simply trying to understand where they have been, where they are and where they want to go.

Empathy equals understanding. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #3

The situation with women's hockey has me thinking a lot about men and empathy.

Specifically, men and their lack of empathy.

The women's Olympic hockey team just concluded one of the most dominant performances in the history of sports.

Not just hockey.

Not just women's hockey.

Sports. Period.

They played seven games against the best teams in the world.

They averaged almost 5 goals a game. 

They allowed two total goals in seven victories. TWO GOALS!!!

If an NHL goalie allows 2 goals per game, he's an all-star and an MVP candidate.

The women allowed 1 goal every 3.5 games.

And what do they get for their effort?

Men's hockey, come to the White House, and I guess your annoying little sister can tag along.

Ha ha he he. It's just a joke, girls. Relax.

If men had been so deliberately insulted, they would have stormed the capital wearing their Wayne Gretzky jerseys.

Because we're men. We don't tolerate that kind of disrespect.

I want to be crystal clear on one point.

I'm not defending women.

They just won a gold freaking medal in dominant fashion.

They don't need me for protection.

Men, this is about us.

We need to admit that we are the reason women are sick of us.

Our unwillingness to understand others is our shortcoming.

Our unwillingness to really listen to what our wives and sisters and mothers and daughters are telling us is our problem.  

We can no longer blame women because it was just a joke and you girls should lighten up.

Men, if I've said anything that offends you or rubs you the wrong way...

try smiling more.




for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #2

A client said he struggled with expressing "bad" emotions. 

He's not the first man to tell me this.

Sadness, fear and anxiety have the worst reputation.

Men think these emotions make them soft. 

Weak.

Vulnerable.

I encouraged my client to rethink his relationship with his emotions.

Because as long as he thinks they're bad, he'll do everything he can to avoid them.

And as "bad" as emotions are, his way of dealing with them is even worse.

In reality, emotions are the same as everything else in our lives.

They aren't good or bad. It all depends on how we use them.

If you drown your sadness in alcohol, the sadness is still neutral but your actions are harmful.

If you turn your sadness into music or a painting, the sadness is still neutral, but now you have created something beautiful.

Same emotion. Different response.

Men, please reconsider your relationship with your emotions.

They are as neutral as a hammer or a screwdriver.

What you do with them is up to you.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #1

A client was surprised to learn that "men's issues" is a mental health category.

At least it is according to the website he used to find me.

While men do face unique social challenges, the category is not entirely accurate. 

What really is a "men's issue?"

What do men need to know about their mental health?

Those are questions I hope to answer this year.

Today, we build the foundation that everything else is built on.     

Men, you are just like everybody else.

You have the same emotional needs.

You want to be heard.

You want to be validated.

You want someone to say "that sucks, and your pain makes sense to me."

You know who else wants that? EVERYBODY!!!

If we are being entirely honest, "men's issues" is more than a little misleading.

You don't want to be heard and validated because you have a penis.

You want to be heard and validated because you think.

You feel. 

You struggle. 

You hurt. 

It doesn't matter what you drive, how much money you make, or what team you cheer for, the traditional social measures of manhood.

You deserve to be heard and validated because you are a person. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking the new year's resolution

It bothers me a lot that mental health and self care have become so intertwined with consumerism.

Our mental health is too valuable to cost so much.

If you are looking to do something for yourself in the new year that won't break the ban, I have the resolution for you.

This year, BE NICE TO YOURSELF FOR FREE!!!

Accept that you aren't, and don't have to be, perfect.

Recognize your effort regardless of the end result. Even in a loss, find the victories.

Give yourself all the compliments you wish others would give you.

Give yourself the pep talk that you give friends when they need a pick-me-up.

Stop comparing yourself to others!!!

Being nice to yourself is more than trips and hobbies and fine dining.

That stuff has its place, but what good are expensive toys and fancy meals if you are still riddled with insecurity and low self esteem? 

Be nice to yourself for free. 

Happy new year.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com