Rethinking Self Care

I emphatically reject the notion that self care only happens in sacred spaces, at special times and with our essential possessions.   

Do you have 5 seconds to...

Compliment yourself? 

Take a deep breath? 

Stretch your legs?

Actually sip and savor whatever is in your mug?

All of this is self care. 

And it's free. 

You can do it anywhere, any time.

I'm sick of the materialistic dogma telling us self care requires piles of fancy gadgets. Self care is the leading cause of garage sales in America.  

Self care requires one thing: the willingness to take care of yourself.

If you can't find 5 seconds for self care, your problem is not lack of time and stuff. It's lack of trying. 

Stop thinking you have to wait to get home, or the gym, or the beach, to take care of yourself. And that it's hours or days away. Self care abstinence is not a noble endeavor. You aren't a martyr. Your suffering only hurts you. 

There is zero benefit or reason to delay taking care of yourself.

Make self care a normal part of your day, not some hallowed, time-sensitive celebration.  

Take care of yourself all day. 

Every day. 

Wherever you are. 

As many times as you need to. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Being Nice To Yourself

Be nice to yourself, even when other people aren't. 

People don't want to hear this. It's discouraging. We want, need, expect our parents, significant others, co-workers to acknowledge us and tell us how great we are. It's frustrating when we don't get it. 

Fortunately, this is also entirely empowering. 

Being nice to yourself means you get to focus on you. This eliminates the burden of worrying about others. If you aren't getting juice from a turnip, then stop squeezing. 

However you want to phrase it, focusing on yourself is essential to good mental health. 

1. It's the serenity prayer: accept what you can't change (acknowledgement from others), the courage to change the stuff you can (positive self talk), and the wisdom to know the difference.

2. Practitioners of mindfulness have spent centuries encouraging us to turn inward, to focus on ourselves. Why? Because happiness doesn't come from spending 10 minutes a day thinking about the jerks who aren't paying attention to how amazing you are.

3. Me Time. 

4. You want wonky technical jargon? It's internal versus external locus of control. 

5. Confidence is key.

There is nothing in your DNA that prohibits you from being your own cheerleader. You choose to focus on what others don't give you instead of focusing on what you can give yourself.  

You choose to focus on what others don't give you instead of focusing on what you can give yourself.

Here's the best part. Unlike the excessive material dependence of self care, being nice to yourself doesn't cost a penny and doesn't require anything that will eventually collect dust in your basement. 

Be nice to yourself, even when other people aren't. 

Especially when other people aren't. 

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Feeling Better About Yourself

Are you the person who finds every perceived flaw in your appearance? 

Do you hyper focus on your tiniest mistakes? And you even know the mistakes you'll make in the future?  

If so, you are in luck. You possess the one skill necessary to feel better about yourself. 

Attention to detail. 

Think about how miserable you feel when you highlight your less than perfect qualities. Lousy!

This makes total sense. If you think unhappy thoughts, you will be unhappy. 

If you think angry thoughts, you will be angry.

If you think anxious thoughts, you will be anxious.

It's TEA, thoughts/emotions/actions: thought determine emotions, emotions determine actions. Everything starts with our thoughts, even our self esteem. 

Think about how much better you will feel about yourself if you use your power for good and start to see the things you get right.  

You already do this for everyone you know. When a friend is down, you are there to pick them up. You see the countless reasons everybody else should be living their best life. If you can do it for them, you can do it for you. I reject any notion that genetics or DNA allows you to see the positives in someone else's life but not your own.  

You laser focus on the negatives to pick yourself apart. Use that same skill to piece yourself back together. 

Your attention to detail works both ways. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking The Platinum Rule

Treat people the way you want others to treat you. 

The golden rule. Good advice, but it's not enough. We need more. 

We need the platinum rule. 

Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

One of the great contradictions of human nature is we want validation, praise and recognition from everybody else. Meanwhile, we tell ourselves how how much we've sucked in the past, how much we suck right now and how much we'll suck in the future.

It is impossible to feel good about yourself when you are hyper focused on every perceived mistake you've ever made or will make. If you want to feel better about yourself, think better about yourself.  

To put the platinum rule another way, it's internal versus external validation. It feels good when others praise us, but it's not as powerful as when we compliment ourselves.

If you like, it's the same as happiness comes from within. Happiness from external sources is temporary. True happiness comes from being happy with yourself, and that comes from being nice to yourself. 

Third time's a charm? There are things you can control, such as what you tell yourself. There are things you can't control, like waiting for others to be nice to you. Focus on what you can control. 

The next time you are feeling down and there's nobody there to pick you up, do it yourself with the platinum rule.

Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking What We Tell Our Clients

Imagine asking for bakery recommendations because you want a cake, and these are the responses you get. 

I can bake a cake but I call it a flour mound.

I'm certified in making layered frosting yum yums.

Have you tried my Cakey Von Cakerton? It's like cake, but fancier. 

I've been making loop-a-dees for 15 years. It's not a traditional round cake. It's elliptical.

This is what the mental health field sounds like. 

Recently, a clinician posted in a social media group that they were looking for a therapist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Every therapist uses CBT. Helping someone identify and reshape negative thoughts is as fundamental to mental health as baking a cake is to a baker. 

The problem is many therapists don't call it that. In our drive to be unique and certified and cutting edge, we continuously repackage one of the bedrock concepts of our profession. We put a classic idea in a different box and sell it as something entirely new.

Imagine being the client trying to climb through this landslide of verbiage. It causes confusion in people who are already confused. That's why they are seeking help! Using a new activity or exercise doesn't create a new therapeutic approach any more than using a new frosting color makes a new type of cake.

Standard terminology isn't a bad thing that robs you of your identity. It's there for the benefit of our clients, to make their lives easier. We are here to simplify, not complicate. Clients should not have to learn a new language to understands what is in their head.   

Yes, we all take unique approaches to help our clients navigate their specific problems. We can use CBT in a way that fits our style, just as every baker puts their personal spin on cake.  

But they all bake cakes. 

I use CBT. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

       

Rethinking Fight, Flight, Freeze and ???

For decades, we had the primitive and limited fight or flight.  

Somewhere along the way, we added freeze. Not the most practical, but it did increase the menu by 33%.

Fighting, fleeing and freezing might serve us well in the short term. If we want to actually solve our problems, we need a fourth option. 

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Face it.

We have to face our problems. 

Think of the current messaging.

You can physically dominate the situation.

You can run away. 

You can stand still, frozen and trapped. 

Quite frankly, these all lead to more problems. 

No matter what is bothering you, at some point you have to face it and fix it. Otherwise, it will continue to be a problem that you are fighting, running from or too scared to deal with. 

I reject the notion that our behavioral responses are a product of lizard brains developed through millions of years of evolution. Fighting, flying, freezing and facing it are, quite simply, the most logical behavioral responses to any situation, regardless of your era, epoch or period.    

Sometimes you will choose to fight. 

Sometimes you will choose to fly.

Sometimes you will choose to freeze. 

Eventually, you have to choose to face it. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Be A Man

Never back down.
Don't ask for help.

Don't show emotions...
Except for anger.
Never admit you are wrong.
Be physically tough at all costs.

This is some of the garbage that comes to mind when I hear the term "be a man." History is littered with crimes against humanity perpetrated by macho men acting manly. Even if you have a healthy interpretation of being a man, none of it is gender specific.

Be honest.
Be helpful.
Be reliable.
Be hard working.
Protect and provide for your family.

These are reasonable expectations for everyone regardless of gender. 

We need to reject this toxic call for boys to act like men. If you want to teach your sons something: 

Teach your sons they can be sad.
They can be afraid.  

They can be wrong.

Teach your sons they are loved for who they are,
not for who you want them to be.
Teach your sons compassion for people who don’t look like them.
Or act like them.
Teach your sons there is more to life than running fast
jumping high
and punching hard.
Teach your sons that strength does not come from hurting others.
Strength comes from loving yourself.

Teach your son to reject the urge to be a man.

Teach your son to be a good person.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com