Rethinking Fight, Flight, Freeze and ???

For decades, we had the primitive and limited fight or flight.  

Somewhere along the way, we added freeze. Not the most practical, but it did increase the menu by 33%.

Fighting, fleeing and freezing might serve us well in the short term. If we want to actually solve our problems, we need a fourth option. 

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Face it.

We have to face our problems. 

Think of the current messaging.

You can physically dominate the situation.

You can run away. 

You can stand still, frozen and trapped. 

Quite frankly, these all lead to more problems. 

No matter what is bothering you, at some point you have to face it and fix it. Otherwise, it will continue to be a problem that you are fighting, running from or too scared to deal with. 

I reject the notion that our behavioral responses are a product of lizard brains developed through millions of years of evolution. Fighting, flying, freezing and facing it are, quite simply, the most logical behavioral responses to any situation, regardless of your era, epoch or period.    

Sometimes you will choose to fight. 

Sometimes you will choose to fly.

Sometimes you will choose to freeze. 

Eventually, you have to choose to face it. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Be A Man

Never back down.
Don't ask for help.

Don't show emotions...
Except for anger.
Never admit you are wrong.
Be physically tough at all costs.

This is some of the garbage that comes to mind when I hear the term "be a man." History is littered with crimes against humanity perpetrated by macho men acting manly. Even if you have a healthy interpretation of being a man, none of it is gender specific.

Be honest.
Be helpful.
Be reliable.
Be hard working.
Protect and provide for your family.

These are reasonable expectations for everyone regardless of gender. 

We need to reject this toxic call for boys to act like men. If you want to teach your sons something: 

Teach your sons they can be sad.
They can be afraid.  

They can be wrong.

Teach your sons they are loved for who they are,
not for who you want them to be.
Teach your sons compassion for people who don’t look like them.
Or act like them.
Teach your sons there is more to life than running fast
jumping high
and punching hard.
Teach your sons that strength does not come from hurting others.
Strength comes from loving yourself.

Teach your son to reject the urge to be a man.

Teach your son to be a good person.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Mentally Healthy

Every day the national conversation about mental health gets louder. We talk about self care and coping skills, trauma and dysregulation, closure and compartmentalizing. Every expert has a system to help you get your life together.    

There is one critical detail no one talks about because no one wants to hear it. 

Being mentally healthy takes time. It takes effort. It is hard. It can be painful.

We are a shamelessly privileged society. We want everything and we want it now. We have access to every TV show and movie ever made, right in our pockets. If it doesn't load instantly, we are outraged! We expect same-day delivery for exotic fruits and spices grown in remote corners of the world. We think a pill can help us effortlessly shed pounds and years of trauma. 

Mental health is not like the speedy convenience of modern life. Mental health is like your physical health.

No pain, no gain.

Being mentally healthy is like every other skill you possess: the more you work at it, the better you get.

You cannot be mentally healthy until you confront what makes you unhealthy. 

You can't ignore your emotions. They always explode at the worst time and in the worst way.

If you continue to run from your problems, they will always catch up and bite you in the ass.

Being mentally healthy is not easy to achieve. Nothing worth doing ever is.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com   

Rethinking Self Care

Self care has become synonymous with spending money on hobbies to distract us from life's problems. 

This is nothing more than socially acceptable addiction. If someone says they rely on drugs and alcohol to manage their stress, we sound the alarm. If someone says they rely on cooking and exercise to mange their stress, we extol that as virtuous.

I say it's all avoidance. 

We have become dependent on external factors to manage our emotions. We need hobbies to take the edge off. Decompress. Get back to normal. A hobby is something you should want to do, not something you need to do. Otherwise, it's a chore, which explains why so many people have a basement full of expensive self care they no longer use.

Self care is important. Sometimes you have to take a break from your problems. But if you rely exclusively on your hobbies to get you through life, then you are trapped in a dangerous cycle: get stressed, self care, avoid problems, relax until the next stressor, repeat. 

Self care is not just what we do when we can find 5 free minutes after the kids go to bed. 

Self care is what we tell ourselves all day, every day, in the moment of stress and the fallout. 

Are you focused on the millions of ways life will fall apart? Or do you remind yourself that it's never as bad as you think it will be?

Are you fixated on how you'll fail or what you can do to address the problem? 

Are you focused on what you don't have or what you do have?  

If you effectively manage your stress in the moment, you won't be so dependent on your hobbies.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

  

Rethinking Your Kids

Your kids don't talk to you, but they talk to me. Here's what they are saying.

My parents say I can talk to them about anything. When I try to talk to them, they tell me my problems aren't real, then they tell me about their problems. That's why I stopped talking to them. 

How can I learn to love myself if the people who are supposed to love me don't show me they love me? 

They tell me to grow up and act like an adult, then they tell me to shut up because I'm just a kid. I don't know what I am or what I should do.

They think love is buying me stuff but I just want to sit and have a normal conversation with them.  

I wish my mom/dad was my best friend, but it's not that way. 

They never listen to me. 

They don't accept me for who I am. They want me to be like them. 

They don't understand me. It's like they forgot they were ever a teenager. 

I never get any compliments, but they point out every little thing I do wrong.

They always assume I'm wrong and I'm the problem. I get blamed for everything. 

I know my parents love me, but it doesn't feel that way when they are yelling at me. 

I'm in a house full of people and I still feel lonely.

They never say thank you or good job.  

I broke down and cried, and they yelled at me to stop crying. Then they told me I didn't have anything to cry about. Now I don't show my emotions. I keep it all buried until I explode. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Who You Are

Think of your absolute favorite activity: biking, cooking, quiddich, soap carving, extreme ironing.

Now think about how you feel when you are engaged in that activity.

Free

Relaxed

Inspired

Creative

Confident

Uninhibited

Comfortable.

Who you are in that moment is your ideal self. It is who you want to be all the time. Stress and angst come from listening to everyone else tell you who you need to be and what you need to do.

Be a man.

Act your age.

That's not ladylike.

That's not how we do it in _____________.   

You might say who you are in that moment is the exception to the rule, then you make up a thousand excuses for why you can't be that way all the time. Being your best self is the goal. Being exactly who you want to be should be the rule, not the exception.

If you want to be happier, more confident, more relaxed, then think of a time when you were those things and know that you are those things. You don't have to change. You just have to be those things more often. 

If you want to feel better about yourself, think better about yourself.  

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Human Condition

 The human condition is a product of two directly conflicting forces.

1. We are born with the desire to be calm, happy (in general and with ourselves), confident, comfortable in our own skin, honest, appreciative, compassionate. 

2. Society has manufactured dozens of roadblocks to keep us from being the calm, happy confident people we really want to be.

To the first point, this is based on my own informal research. When I ask clients to describe their ideal self, these are the most frequent answers. No one says they want to be angrier and more anxious. They are sick of being angry and anxious. 

Now think of all the roadblocks we (society) have created that keep us from getting where we want to go. In modern parlance, we call these social constructs. 

Social norms

Racial norms

Gender norms

Age based norms

Family expectations

Cultural expectations.

Religious expectations

Work/professional expectations

Practically every facet of our life is screaming at us, telling us what to do and who to be. It's all based on what everyone else thinks we need to be doing. And most of it is in direct conflict with who we really, truly, deeply want to be. 

The goal in life is to block out all that noise and be ourselves. 

Being our true authentic selves is the only coping skill we need to live healthier lives.

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com