Rethinking Coping Skills Versus Self Care

The term "coping skills" has been so distorted & watered down that it's lost all meaning. We need a clear vision as to what coping skills are and what they do. We need to understand the difference between a coping skill and self care. And we need to stop telling people self care is a coping skill. 

Self care IS NOT a coping skill. Our hobbies ARE NOT coping skills. They are distractions and diversions. For decades, mental health professionals have validated practically any legal activity as a coping skill: exercise, arts & crafts, writing, singing, dancing, playing video games, listening to music. Self care is important. Sometimes we need a break. However, self care and coping skills are entirely different animals. 

Here are four reasons self care is not a coping skill. 

1. A coping skill helps you in the moment of crisis. If you're at work and a customer or co-worker is driving you crazy, you can't clock out, go home to watch Netflix or run a few miles. Your hobbies do not help you in the moment, because... 

2. A coping skill helps you directly address what is bothering you. Hobbies take our minds off of our problems. It's what we do when we don't want to confront our emotions. We even tell ourselves that. I need to veg out. I need a break. That is the exact opposite of a coping skill. 

3. A coping skill helps you handle the same situation more effectively next time. You get sad, you watch tv. You get sad again, you watch more tv. If you keep getting mad/sad/nervous at the same situation, that's a clue your coping skill isn't helping you cope. It's helping you repeatedly avoid your problems. A coping skill is a SKILL, and the more you do it the better you get. We learn from our mistakes, we refine our techniques and we handle the next situation better than the last time.    

4. Coping skills are holistic and organic. They come from within. They require no trendy gadgets, memberships or a trip to your happy place. They are not addictive or able to be abused. If there is a licensed, certified professional who can help you overcome your coping skill, then it's not a coping skill. It's a problem. 

We have spent decades telling everyone that anything is a coping skill. We have essentially validated ignoring problems and emotions. 

And then when do we draw the line between what we think is a coping skill and what we fear is an addictive behavior? Playing video games is a healthy coping skill, unless you are doing it 2 hours a day? 4 hours? 10 hours?       

Self care is a distraction, a diversion, a commercial break from our problems. Coping skills are what we use to directly address what is bothering us. It's time we start to draw clear distinctions between the two.

Next week, I'll reveal the four coping skills. That's right. There are only four coping skills.

For more information about counseling or to schedule an appointment, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com