A coping skill helps us directly address whoever or whatever is bothering us. Hobbies are not coping skills. Self care is not a coping skill. They are diversions and distractions.
Hobbies and self care are important. Sometimes we need a break. However, when we are ready to confront our problems, there are only four coping skills that can help us effectively manage the moment.
These are most effective when used in succession, each making the next one easier to achieve.
1. Breathe. This is the equivalent of rebooting your system. It's a way to remind yourself that you need to start the coping process. It also makes it easier to move to the next step.
2. Take control of your body. Take a deep breath and exhale. Did you notice your chest and shoulders? They automatically rise and relax with your breath. If you can take control of your body, you can take control of the situation. It's almost impossible to think straight (foreshadowing) when your hands are fists, your shoulders are trying to reach your ears, your stomach is in knots. A relaxed body helps clear your head so you can move to the next step.
3. Rethink your situation (TEA: Thoughts/Emotions/Actions). Remember when I said think straight? This is classic cognitive behavioral. You can't change the past, can't change the people around you, can't control every variable in your environment. You can control your thoughts. You can rethink your situation. It's TEA. Thoughts determine Emotions. Emotions determine Actions. Angry thoughts make you angry. Sad thoughts make you sad. Calm thoughts make you calm. It's your choice.
After you have taken control of your body and mind, the glue that holds it all together is...
4. Tell yourself you did a good job. Good old fashioned positive reinforcement. It's the Ringo Starr of coping skills, unappreciated and overlooked but critical to completing the song. If you don't believe in what you are doing, you will resort back to your unhealthy ways. Make good decisions and feel good about those decisions. Your inside has to match your outside.
If you're feeling one thing but showing another, it all falls apart. You get angry, but you put on the mask. You're going through the "right" motions on the outside but you're still angry on the inside.
You don't show your anger in the moment. Instead, you take it home and blow up at someone who doesn't deserve it. That's because you didn't cope with anything! You just delayed the explosion because you didn't actually believe in what you were doing.
You might think your hobby is a healthy coping skill. It's not. It helps you feel good while you avoid your problems. You eventually have to confront what is bothering you, or it will always bother you. Once the movie is over, the book is read, you are cooled off from the exercise, the thing that bothers you will still be bothering you.
When you are ready to face your fears...your demons...your obstacles...
Take a deep breath...
Relax your body...
Rethink your situation...
And feel good about what you're doing.
The only four coping skills there are.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
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