Rethinking Learning Life Lessons

Human beings only learn life lessons one way...the hard way. 

When time are tough, we are likely to think about the mistakes we made and how we can avoid them next time. We are not so introspective when life is going well. In fact, we often downplay the good times. 

I got lucky. 

Someone else deserves all the credit. 

Worst of all, we don't even enjoy the good times because we know they won't last. We are certain the sky will fall sooner than later and crush our foolishly optimistic spirit. 

It is important to learn from our mistakes. That's where wisdom comes from. However, if we admit that our questionable choices lead to our setbacks, we have to admit the flip side is equally true. 

When life is good, we need to acknowledge and embrace what we did that got us there. 

Giving ourselves credit for the good times is how we build self esteem. In those moments, we develop the confidence to face future challenges and say "I've been here before, I succeeded then and I can do it again." 

If you only learn things the hard way, you are doing yourself a great disservice. Look for your victories, embrace them and admit that you are more than an innocent, lucky bystander. 

We don't just dig our own hole. We also summit the mountains.

If you want to be wise, learn from your mistakes.

If you want to be happy, learn from your victories.

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethinking Tough Love

Dear parents, many of you believe tough love is necessary to teach your children that life isn't easy.  

Guess what? Your children don't need you to teach them that. Life is well equipped to do that without your help.  

Do you know when kids first learn that life is full of hard falls and sharp corners? The very first day they try to take their very first steps. 

They will then learn that some people can't be trusted and others will be openly hostile towards them for no good reason and no fault of their own.

Your children don't need tough love. They need love. 

They need you to teach them they are loved, heard and appreciated. Life isn't good at doing that. They need to know you will be there to comfort them and accept them without judgement. Without judgement. Without judgement. I'm naive enough to think I can speak that into existence. 

You need to love your children without judgement. 

Even if they do things you don't agree with.

Or make choices you wouldn't make now or when you were their age.   

Stop yelling at your children in the name of life lessons. The only things you are teaching them is that you are angry and they screwed up. Your kids are smart. They know both of these things.   

Love should be obvious, not something shrouded in anger and left for them to discover years later with their therapist. 

Love your children openly and overtly.

And without judgement. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Forgiveness

 In order to truly forgive someone, you have to do one thing most people are unwilling to do.

You have to be nice to someone who treated you poorly. Truly nice. Not the fake nice where you put on a smile but deep down you are cursing their existence.

Holding a grudge only hurts you. It's punching yourself in the face and hoping the other person gets a black eye. 

The target of your scorn has no awareness of your sleepless nights...your lack of motivation...your suffering. But you do. 

I don't like to say "be a bigger person" or "be the better person" because being a decent human being is not a contest. Life should be a collaborative game and we all win, like a team building exercise on the ropes course. 

This line of thinking is also a problem because it focuses on the other person. Do you really care about being better than someone who treated you poorly? That's a low bar to aim for. 

Focus on you because forgiveness is for you. Think about the kind of person you want to be. Do you want to live one more bitter, angry day waiting for a sincere apology you'll probably never get? Or do you want to give yourself the time and attention currently reserved for the person who wronged you? 

If you want to give forgiveness to the other person, that's your choice. The important thing to remember is doing what is helpful to you, not what is harmful to someone else.

Forgiveness is not about being better than anyone. It's about being a better version of yourself. 

Forgiveness is about you and for you. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com