Rethinking Attention

He just wants attention.

Every time a co-worker disregards a student’s behavior because they “just want attention,” I want to scream OF COURSE THEY DO!!! Everybody wants attention. Teenagers are no different from us. Stop acting like they are some alternative breed of mammal living under a different set of rules.

As good as that outburst felt, a correction is in order. People don’t want attention. People need attention.

Needing attention is human nature. You are born with it. Hey Mom, look at me! Hey Dad, watch this!

It is how we learn that people appreciate us and our unique talents. It is how we learn to appreciate ourselves and our unique talents. In a perfect world, others fill your attention tank & throughout your life you are able to top it off yourself.

Paying attention to your child is a fundamental component of positive reinforcement and unconditional love. These are the building blocks of a healthy life. Carbon. Oxygen. Positive reinforcement. Unconditional love.

When a child doesn’t get enough attention, 1 of 2 things typically happen: they turn inward and hurt themselves because they have learned that no one cares, or they get angry and turn outward, forcing you to pay attention to them, often at the sacrifice of an innocent target.

It is a big red flag when students say they don’t care if they get good or bad attention, because bad attention is better than no attention. They tried getting good attention, and it wasn’t working. Now they are going to do whatever it takes to get the attention they need.

And guess what? This desire will never be solved through punitive measures. There are not enough suspension days in the calendar year to cure a student of their need for attention.

Needing attention is normal and healthy, not a crime or a behavior to be corrected.

The next time you think your student/client/offspring just “wants attention,” don’t question why they want it. Ask why you don’t want to give it to them. Then ask what else you think they’re willing to do to get it.

Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking life's downs and ups

Life has its ups and downs? I recently realized all these years we've been saying it backwards.

Life has its downs and ups.

Very often I imagine my clients think I'm more nagging high school English teacher than therapist. But our words are significant. The impact of what we tell ourselves cannot be overstated. If you don't believe me, consider these 2 statements.

I lost 60 pounds, but I should have lost more.

I should have lost more, but I lost 60 pounds.

The first statement is ups and downs. You end on a sour note. You are minimizing what is a significant accomplishment. It's demoralizing and leaves you in the ditch.

The second statement is downs and ups. Maybe you could have done more, but you still did something worth celebrating. You climbed the mountain. Next time you will climb a higher mountain, but for now enjoy the view.

Your words are powerful. With all due respect to gravity and compound interest, I believe the most powerful force in the universe is what you tell yourself. You can drag yourself into the ditch or you can climb the mountain.

Rethink your life.

Rethink your options.

Rethink life's downs and ups.




Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Grampa's Memorial

Someone bellowed, “Grampa always liked you best!!!”

Family members swore the first punch echoed through church like a gong. Soon after, fists were flying, Grandma was swinging her purse, the preacher morphed into Bruce Lee and someone knocked over Grampa’s urn. The lawyer cowered in the corner and never got to finish reading Grampa’s will.

As he sat in the pew laughing harder than he had in months, Tony thought to himself, “Now I understand my dad."

They were there to say goodbye to Tony’s grandfather, the man who raised Tony’s dad. When Tony saw his family in all their glory, for the first time in his life his father made sense. As he told me, “I was able to look at things differently.”

Before the ceremony, Tony saw his dad as angry, verbally abusive and not worth a drop of respect. Two weeks prior, he left home after an argument with no intention of returning.

Watching his uncles and other family members pummel each other in church, Tony saw firsthand the chaos and dysfunction that his father came from. These are the people his father grew up with. This is what he learned and knew to be normal.

This is what he perpetuated in his own home and recreated with Tony. 

As his laughter subsided and someone swept up Grampa, Tony shifted from anger to understanding. He thought he knew his father before, but he didn’t. Armed with this new information, he was willing to rethink what he previously believed to be the truth.

He was not making excuses for his father’s questionable parenting. Dad made mistakes, but at least now he made sense. Tony would not forget, but he could forgive. Tony was able to reshape his thoughts about his father, and his emotions and actions fell into place accordingly.

Thoughts...Emotions...Actions...TEA.

Bolstered by this new level of understanding about his dad, sympathy replaced anger.

Tony would go home and give their relationship another chance.





Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Nature Versus Nurture

It’s always been a two horse race: nature versus nurture.

This limited model of thinking does a great disservice to our clients. It sends a message that you are the way you are because of some combination of genetics and upbringing. It gives people a crutch, a reason to say, “I am who I am so don’t bother being more.” That is the opposite of empowering. If mental health professionals are to stay true to our mission of helping people lead fuller, happier lives, we need to give our clients a third option.

Nature versus Nurture versus New.

Yes, genetics play a part in who we are.

Yes, past experiences play a part in who we are.

However, if someone enters therapy thinking their fate is sealed because of their nature and their nurture, then counseling isn’t for them. For therapy and life to be successful, you have to believe you can control your situation and create the life you want.

You have to be willing to move beyond I was born that way...I’m just like my parents…It runs in my family…I will always be angry at them…You would be sad too if...

You have to believe something better is waiting for you. Something of your choosing. Something more than DNA and childhood. 

You have to believe in the new.

Nature versus nurture versus new.

My money is on the fresh legs.

Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at

bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason. Everybody says it. Everybody is right. Now here is what everybody leaves out.

The reason doesn’t come instantly. It can takes days, weeks, even years for you to make sense of life. When you face a big situation, you are busy being angry, sad, elated, etc… You are too clouded by emotion to start a scavenger hunt for reason. That’s how it should be. You deserve to be angry, sad, elated, etc… Take your time finding the reason. It will wait for you.

The reason is personal. Your life has to make sense to you as you see it through your eyes, not someone’s perception of what they think you are going through. Think of a mass tragedy like a natural disaster. There’s no way one event can mean the same thing for all people involved. Humans experience the same event in unique ways.

You have to want to find a reason. This takes work. It's hard. It can hurt. It’s not magically dropping from the sky. Simple as that.

You always find what you are looking for. If you think the reason is because you deserve to be punished, then you will find evidence to support that. If you think the reason leads you to a better life, then you will find evidence to shine a light on the path.

What trauma have you faced? Is it a ton of bricks holding you back? Is it a rocket waiting to launch you forward?

Rethink your life.

Rethink your options. 

Rethink your reason.



Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Las Vegas

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

This is garbage. Total garbage. Stop telling yourself total garbage. A witty ad campaign is not a good excuse to make a bad decision.

You might think you can do whatever you want, and your spouse and friends will never know. But your covert deed does not stay “in Vegas.” You are going to stuff it into your baggage, cram it into your overhead compartment and take it home with you.

You know what you did. It will always be in your baggage. It will affect you.

The next time you are at a party and someone jokingly says “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” you will laugh nervously and look around the room wondering what people know and why are they all staring at you.

Every time you think about what you did, you will feel that pang of self loathing, regret or whatever emotion it is you are trying to pretend isn’t there.

You’ve heard the urban legend of the poor soul waking up with a headache and discovering that some tiny insect crawled into their ear and laid thousands of eggs while they were sleeping? The problem grew and grew until his entire head was infested with insects? Your Vegas moment is just like that.

I tell my clients that they can lie to me, and I will believe their lies, but ultimately they are lying to themselves...and they know they are lying.

What happens in Vegas is the ultimate lie you tell yourself. You lie because you are ashamed of what you did. If you were proud of your actions, you wouldn’t keep them a secret.  

What happens in Vegas most certainly does not stay in Vegas.

Please don’t take mental health advice from the marketing department of America’s most hedonistic city.

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Ignoring

Just ignore them.

This is the most overused and useless advice we give our kids. STOP TELLING KIDS TO IGNORE THEIR PROBLEMS!!! Ignoring someone is impossible, and I will prove it.

Imagine you are arguing with a friend/co-worker/significant other and you are angry to 11, quivering with rage. To show that person you are ignoring them, you turn your back to them.

Who are you thinking about?

That person.

And when you get up and leave, slamming the door behind you, who are you thinking about?

That person!

Then you scream, “I’m ignoring you!”

Directly addressing someone is the exact opposite of ignoring them.

You cannot ignore someone who is in your head. You can distract yourself, but what always happens? They come back every time. Sooner or later you have to deal with them. You have to replace the angry thoughts with something more productive.

Relax, this isn’t that big a deal.

I don’t want to do anything I will regret.

I’m better than this.

It’s only temporary.

You have to find a way to rethink the situation. Everything else is the mental equivalent of spraying air freshener over the pile of smelly clothes you refuse to wash. Drinking. Exercise. Eating. Shopping. Once those activities are over, the person that made you mad is still in your head.

Ignoring something is not an option for you. Stop thinking it’s an option for your kids. When you tell a kid to ignore their problem, you aren’t doing anything to help them deal with the situation or their anger in a constructive manner.

That is a fact that we as parents, mental health professionals and educators can no longer ignore.

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com