rethinking teenagers

parents, i talk to your kids and their friends. i'm going to tell you the things they have a hard time saying.

if we're being honest, these are things your kids have probably yelled at you, but you were too focused on the delivery and not focused enough on the message. 

if you compare your kids to your older, more "successful" kids, video games aren't the problem.

if you get mad when your kids don't do things your way, social media isn't the problem. 

if you are upset your kids aren't following in your footsteps, rap music isn't the problem.

if you think you can ground and punish them into better behavior, drugs and alcohol aren't the problem.

if you think fancy clothes and shoes can replace quality time, their peer group isn't the problem. 

if you think insults and demeaning talk is tough love, fast food isn't the problem. 

if you don't accept your child for who they are, your child isn't the problem. 

the scapegoats aren't the cause of your child's behavior. they are a response. 

your child wants to form their own identity and be their own person.

your child wants to know that you will support them on their quest to find their true self. 

your child doesn't want you to lead them down your path. 

your child wants you to walk behind them on their path, and inspire them to get up when they fall. 

this is all the same thing you wanted when you were their age. 

and that's the ironic part. 

your kids really are 

just 

like 

you. 

for information on individual therapy for your teenager, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

rethinking the language of mental health

mental health might be the only profession in the world without a standardized language. 

imagine going to 5 different dentists and they all have a unique name for a cavity.

or learning a new language every time you switch car mechanics.

or order pizza.

this is what you get with mental health. there are multiple ways to describe the most basic concepts. 

do you want to address your negative thoughts? 

or your cognitive distortions? 

negative cognitions? 

unproductive self schema? 

maladaptive perceptions?

internal dialogue? 

if you aren't a mental health professional, you might not know all of the above is the exact same thing.  

unfortunately, too much of mental health is putting an old product in a different box and selling it as brand new. the primary result is a confused consumer because everyone is talking about the same stuff and using different terms!    

one of the major reasons people seek help for their mental health is to simplify their lives. 

the mental health profession should lead by example and simplify their message. 

these are my thoughts. 

not my perceptions. 

or cognitions. 

or internal dialogue. 

my thoughts. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking your diagnosis

the quest for the diagnosis starts with a question.

what is wrong with me? 

and the diagnosis becomes their answer. 

even though nobody gets better by focusing on what is wrong with them. 

and it becomes an excuse.

i can't do that because of my diagnosis. 

and a scapegoat.

i knew this would go wrong because of my diagnosis.

and their identity.

i like to cook and watch movies and i have a diagnosis.

mental health is about identifying the thoughts holding you back from becoming your true authentic self. 

mental health should not be the thing that holds you back.

so the question is, does your diagnosis hurt you more than it helps you? 

and the answer is, your diagnosis is the same as everything else in your life.

you get to decide what it means and how you use it.

and now the question is this.

how are you going to use your diagnosis? 

if you're looking for help with anger management, self esteem or men's issues, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Just Do It

Just do it.

Possibly the most famous advertising campaign in history.

It's great advice. Stop overthinking and start doing. 

Too bad Nike only got it half right.

After you just do whatever you need to do, you have to give yourself credit for what you just did.

In fairness to Nike, “Give yourself credit for what you just did” isn’t catchy & looks horrible on t-shirts.

Despite its lack of marketability, giving yourself credit for what you are doing is critical to making sustained progress. It doesn’t matter if you are running, lifting, public speaking or learning to play an instrument. You have to give yourself the positive reinforcement you want from others.

If you aren’t supportive and encouraging of yourself, then your efforts will fall apart and you will be left with nothing but a basement full of barely used exercise equipment.

And don't wait until the end. Focus on the process. Give yourself credit for every small step you take. 

If you are having trouble just doing it and sticking to it, I have one word to help you maintain your progress. If anyone at Nike is reading this, I’m giving you the greatest sequel ad campaign in history.

Recognize. 

 

 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

rethink being nice

most people want to be nice. do the right thing. be a good person. 

unfortunately, humans take things to the extreme. these are the people pleasers. they have to be nice all the time, even if it means being less than nice to themselves. they suffer to make others happy. luckily, two simple words can fix this.

be a nice person WITH BOUNDARIES. 

nice people can set boundaries.

nice people can put themselves first.

nice people can be selfish.

nice people can be selfish.

nice people can be selfish. 

nice people can say no. if anyone has a problem with your polite refusal, that's their problem. nice people will accept your no and selfish people won't. 

saying no doesn't make you a jerk or a mean person. it makes you a nice person with reasonable limits. 

saying no is self care. 

be a nice person, but remember that being nice also includes being nice to yourself.

people pleasers are people, too.   

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethink the right thing to do

am i doing the right thing? 

it's one of the most frequently asked questions in therapy and life in general. 

life rarely breaks down into absolute right and wrong. ask 5 people what they would do in a tough situation, and you'll likely get 5 different answers. 

that is why doing the right thing isn't a realistic goal. it only sets you up for failure.

instead, ask yourself "is this the right thing for me?"

only you know your situation. only you know all the variables that went into making your decision. you even know what is best for you.   

life is hard enough without the burden of aspiring towards absolute morality. even if you do what you think is right, you'll find someone who questions your decision. you can't, and never will, do what is right for everyone. 

you've tried making everyone else happy. you know it almost always leaves you sad and frustrated.  

try a different approach. 

focus on doing what is right for you. 

if you do what is right for you, you will always be right. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Not Caring

I don't give a damn.

I don't give a shit.

I don't give a f$%k.

I don't give a rat's ass.

English is a colorful language. We have so many ways not to care about something. Not caring has immeasurable therapeutic value. If you say you don't care about the stuff that causes you stress, you have to do one more thing.

You have to mean it. 

You have to really stop giving a shit about the people and situations that give you grief.

You can say you don't care about something, but if you spend the next day, week or month complaining about it, you still care. Complaining = Caring. You act one way but feel the opposite. 

This is right in line with a fundamental therapeutic concept: your inside has to match your outside.

If you put on the mask and act all happy happy, but the inside is dark and brooding, you will struggle. When the inside and outside don't line up, you suffer. You can't ignore your inside forever. It always comes out, usually at the worst times and in the worst ways.

Go ahead and truly stop caring. 

Stop giving a shit, damn or f&%k about the things that bother you.

Stop caring on the inside and the outside. 

And really mean it. 

  

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com