Rethinking Selfish

I hear it from clients all day. I would rather help someone else than myself. I put others first. I don't do anything for me.

You should be more selfish. Put yourself first. Do for you.

Your world would be a better place if you were more selfish.

Imagine putting yourself first, taking care of your own needs in a healthy manner. If you did that, you'd be happier. You'd be emotionally stronger, more capable of dealing with stress. You would be more confident.

Being happy with yourself is helping others. When you are truly happy, you don't act in anger, greed, revenge. You don't gossip. You make better decisions. You are less inclined to do the stuff that muddies our collective waters. You make the world a better place by being selfish, not selfless.

The next reason is one you can use in the moment.

You're angry. You focus all your energy on the person who made you mad. That idiot ruins everything!!! Where does that get you? No place good. It only leads to more anger. You are focusing on the part of the conflict you cannot control...the other person.

Now be selfish. Focus on you. That's when you see your contributions to the conflict & the parts you can control. You can't do a thing to change their behavior, but you can change yours. That's progress. That's what selfish does.

One more.

What holds us back about 99% of the time from doing what we really want to do? We care about what others think. We are so worried that others will criticize & judge. We are trapped in fear and sadness. That wouldn't happen if you were selfish.

When you focus on their response, you hold back, then you hate yourself for holding back.

When you are selfish, your focus is on your effort. Focus on what you do & take pride in your accomplishments. And remember, there is no failure, only success and learning.

You want to learn to be happier?

Learn to be selfish.




For more information on anger management or individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative  consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Forgetting

We tell ourselves we're just going to forget it ever happened. We storm off in a rage, screaming about the very thing that we're forgetting.

You can tell yourself you're going to forget something. The truth is, if it is significant enough to cause that much stress, you can't forget and you won't forget. Honestly, it's to your benefit NOT to forget.

You might think you have forgotten something. A week later...a month later...a year later...it's going to pop up again, usually when you least expect it. That's how our brains work. The thought train gets rolling & we never know what route it's going to take. If your goal is to forget something, you are only setting yourself up for failure.

Your goal is to take the memory and do something constructive with it. Learn your lesson and move on. That's exactly why you don't want to forget.

Imagine how miserable life would be if you forgot that a red stove is hot. You would spend the rest of your life burning your hand on a hot stove. That doesn't happen because we remember the pain and we take steps to avoid it. Unfortunately, humans tend to learn lessons more easily from physical pain than from emotional pain.

If you look back on your life & the the same things keep happening over & over, there's a good chance everybody else is not to blame.

Stop trying to forget your pain. Do something productive with that memory.

Remember it.

Learn something from it.

Rethink it.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation on your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking "It is what it is"

It is what it is.

This is a popular sentiment, used by friends, clients and, sadly, co-workers.

It is also total garbage.

Total and complete garbage.

It is a passive, defeated mentality. It says you are willing to accept whatever comes your way because you don't have the energy or inclination to do anything about it.

Nothing is what it is. It is what you make it.

Your situation is what you make it.

Life is what you make it.

And if you can't change the situation, you can at least change how you view the situation and what it means to you and how you will use it.

In all honesty, if you believe life is what it is, then you aren't ready for therapy because you aren't ready to take control of your life.

If you believe life is what you make it, and you want to make something of yours, contact me. Let's make it something together.




If you are looking for a therapist with a common sense approach to mental health, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional in need of creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Positive Thinking

I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking. No matter the situation, there's something you can learn or some positive takeaway to lessen the impact.

Despite this, I understand that for some people, positive thinking is garbage. If they have faced unspeakable tragedy, the last thing they need or want is someone telling them to look on the bright side. That's insulting.

For years I struggled to reframe positive thinking without calling it positive thinking but still keeping the intention intact. Then one day, a client talked about his best worst thing.

The best worst thing.

That's what I've been looking for. Trauma is ugly. I don't expect anyone to sugarcoat tragedy or celebrate hardships. But it is important to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. The best worst thing allows you to do that.

The worst thing acknowledges that what happened to you sucked. Calling it the best worst allows you to find meaning in the suck. It lets you say, "Yes, things were horrible, but I can still salvage something from the rubble."

For my client, the loss of a significant relationship was his worst. However, it was his best worst because it forced him to examine behaviors he knew were problematic but never fully admitted. If it was just the worst, he would still be wallowing in despair. Instead, he made it the best worst because he was determined to turn it into a useful experience.

Without that loss, it's likely he would continue on with life making the same mistakes.

If positive thinking doesn't fit your situation, I get it. Some experiences are so painful that it's hard to see a silver lining or squeeze the lemonade.

If that's where you are, then find your best worst thing.




For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking "fake it until you make it"

I am sick of cliched nonsense getting passed off as credible mental health insight.

Fake it until you make it. This is total garbage AND it sets you up for disappointment.

Let's assume you are sad. Some well-intended soul tells you to fake it until you make it. You can put on a smile and pretend, but you know your inside doesn't match your outside. You can fool other people, but you can't fool yourself. You know you are lying to others and yourself.

You know what's worse than being sad? Lying to yourself about being happy because you know you are lying. Now you are sad AND you're disappointed with yourself for being fake.

You can't fake your way into success in any other endeavor, and mental health isn't any different. Don't believe me? Try faking your way to be an accountant...chef...auto mechanic...heart surgeon.

Faking it only gets you so far. Eventually you need the skills to take the next step and truly make it.

Stop faking it because you won't make it. Be honest with yourself. Find a mental health professional who can help you learn the skills necessary for real and genuine success.



If you are looking for a therapist with a common sense approach to mental health, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are mental health professional and want creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

Rethinking I Don't Know

I have a theory. Nine out of ten times when a client says "I don't know," they know.

You know what's bothering you.

You know where your angst & fear & anger is coming from.

You might not want to admit it, or acknowledge it, or say it out loud, because when the thought leaves your head & enters the world it becomes real.

But you know.

You have more answers than you realize.

You know what is bothering you. Give yourself credit for knowing you better than anybody else does.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

In defense of Carl Rogers

I remember learning about Carl Rogers in my master's program. We couldn't believe all you had to do was listen to a client. Where were the tricks? The techniques? Listening isn't doing something.

The longer I'm in this field, the more I realize Rogers got it right. We therapists might want more, but all our clients want is to know someone is listening to them and accepting them unconditionally. It's not even a client issue. It's what people want.  

We are all so eager to learn the latest modality and add initials to our business cards. When is the last time you went to a workshop dedicated to person centered therapy? Took a refresher course in one of the bedrock theories of our profession? 

Here's the crazy thing. Every theory, every modality, every technique you use contains elements of PCT. Every...single...one. But we treat it like an appetizer instead of the main course.

The next ceu workshop you go to, the speaker might spend a few minutes on active listening & empathy before moving on their shiny new therapy toy. And let's be honest: 9 times out of 10 they are selling you old cognitive behavioral therapy repackaged with new vocabulary. 

I am unapologetic about my reverence for Carl Rogers. You ask me what theories I use in my practice. I will tell you CBT and PCT. I get the feeling people expect more. But why do I need a mango splitter, banana slicer, apple corer, and butter spreader when I already have a good knife?   

PCT isn't sexy. It's not hip and trendy. You'll never get a crowd of people to sit for 7 hours learning about a theory older than they are. 

But it still works. 

Rogers got it right. 

If you would like creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com