Rethinking Your Kids

Your kids don't talk to you, but they talk to me. Here's what they are saying.

My parents say I can talk to them about anything. When I try to talk to them, they tell me my problems aren't real, then they tell me about their problems. That's why I stopped talking to them. 

How can I learn to love myself if the people who are supposed to love me don't show me they love me? 

They tell me to grow up and act like an adult, then they tell me to shut up because I'm just a kid. I don't know what I am or what I should do.

They think love is buying me stuff but I just want to sit and have a normal conversation with them.  

I wish my mom/dad was my best friend, but it's not that way. 

They never listen to me. 

They don't accept me for who I am. They want me to be like them. 

They don't understand me. It's like they forgot they were ever a teenager. 

I never get any compliments, but they point out every little thing I do wrong.

They always assume I'm wrong and I'm the problem. I get blamed for everything. 

I know my parents love me, but it doesn't feel that way when they are yelling at me. 

I'm in a house full of people and I still feel lonely.

They never say thank you or good job.  

I broke down and cried, and they yelled at me to stop crying. Then they told me I didn't have anything to cry about. Now I don't show my emotions. I keep it all buried until I explode. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Who You Are

Think of your absolute favorite activity: biking, cooking, quiddich, soap carving, extreme ironing.

Now think about how you feel when you are engaged in that activity.

Free

Relaxed

Inspired

Creative

Confident

Uninhibited

Comfortable.

Who you are in that moment is your ideal self. It is who you want to be all the time. Stress and angst come from listening to everyone else tell you who you need to be and what you need to do.

Be a man.

Act your age.

That's not ladylike.

That's not how we do it in _____________.   

You might say who you are in that moment is the exception to the rule, then you make up a thousand excuses for why you can't be that way all the time. Being your best self is the goal. Being exactly who you want to be should be the rule, not the exception.

If you want to be happier, more confident, more relaxed, then think of a time when you were those things and know that you are those things. You don't have to change. You just have to be those things more often. 

If you want to feel better about yourself, think better about yourself.  

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Human Condition

 The human condition is a product of two directly conflicting forces.

1. We are born with the desire to be calm, happy (in general and with ourselves), confident, comfortable in our own skin, honest, appreciative, compassionate. 

2. Society has manufactured dozens of roadblocks to keep us from being the calm, happy confident people we really want to be.

To the first point, this is based on my own informal research. When I ask clients to describe their ideal self, these are the most frequent answers. No one says they want to be angrier and more anxious. They are sick of being angry and anxious. 

Now think of all the roadblocks we (society) have created that keep us from getting where we want to go. In modern parlance, we call these social constructs. 

Social norms

Racial norms

Gender norms

Age based norms

Family expectations

Cultural expectations.

Religious expectations

Work/professional expectations

Practically every facet of our life is screaming at us, telling us what to do and who to be. It's all based on what everyone else thinks we need to be doing. And most of it is in direct conflict with who we really, truly, deeply want to be. 

The goal in life is to block out all that noise and be ourselves. 

Being our true authentic selves is the only coping skill we need to live healthier lives.

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

 

Rethinking PCT and CBT

Person centered therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are arguably the two most important theories in the entire mental health field. 

They are two of the oldest, most established, most researched and most verified frameworks we have for helping our clients improve their lives. 

And they are the exact same thing. 

PCT is about helping someone challenge their negative self perceptions. They can explore the toxic thoughts holding them back from being their ideal selves. They learn to replace self defeating ideas with something more healthy and productive. I'm not as scared as I keep telling myself. I am more assertive than I realize. It is ok to put myself first and focus on my needs. 

Sound familiar? 

CBT is helping people identify and replace the negative thoughts they have about their external world. It's clearing out the gunk that keeps them from being happy. Maybe being late to work wasn't the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me. Strangers in the mall probably aren't talking about me. Now that I think about it, my childhood wasn't all doom and gloom.

PCT is CBT turned inward. 

Or, if you prefer, CBT is PCT turned outward.

We are either helping people develop the confidence to challenge their negative perceptions about themselves or...

We are helping people develop the confidence to challenge their negative perceptions about everything else. 

 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking: A Mental Health Manifesto

Love yourself.

Love yourself more than anyone else ever could.

Love yourself for who you are, not for what you do. 

One day you’ll quit your job or retire, but you can still be a good person.

Loving yourself is contributing to society in a way that a productivity report can never capture. 

Love yourself more for the inside than the outside. Then you will still like yourself when you are old and wrinkled.

Take care of yourself first.

You can’t take care of anybody else if you don’t take care of yourself.

The best thing you can do for others is lead by example.

If you can't follow your own advice, it's probably not worth giving to someone else.

If you want to be wise, learn from your mistakes.

If you want to be happy, learn from your victories. 

There is no losing, only winning and learning. 

Be nice.

Be too nice.

Be as nice as you want to be.

You can be nice and still say no.

There is a shortage of nice in the world. We need all we can get.

Be especially nice to the people who say you are too nice. They need it the most. 

Trust yourself. You know what is good for you.

You also know what isn’t good for you.

Know the difference between what feels good and what is good. 

Have the confidence to do what is good for you.

Even when others disagree with you.

Especially when others disagree with you.

Trying to satisfy everyone else in your life is a recipe for misery.

Don't waste a second of your life proving anyone wrong. 

Prove yourself right. 

Confidence is the foundation that everything else is built on.

Have the confidence to try and fail.

Have the confidence to admit you are wrong.

Have the confidence to be honest with your emotions.

Happy people still get sad.

Calm people still get nervous.

Having emotions doesn't make you soft or weak or vulnerable.

It makes you human.

Focus on who you are and what you are. 

Saying "I don't want to be sad and angry" gets you nowhere.  

If you plan a vacation and only focus on where you don't want to go, you'll never leave the house.

Live in the moment.

Make sure your mind and your body are in the same place. 

Overthink to the positive. 

You always overthink to the negative, so you're good at focusing on the tiny details. 

Imagine how much better life would look if you used your powers for good.

And wear sunscreen.  

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Appreciation

There are 6 characteristics essential for good mental health: appreciation, curiosity, humility, introspection, empathy, forgiveness.

The ability to appreciate is the most important.

Thankfulness and gratitude imply personal connection. We are typically only thankful and grateful for that which impacts us directly.

Appreciation is a recognition of the world beyond our own wants and needs. It is the ability to look beneath the surface and find life's hidden treasures.  

When I was young and dumb, I would say dumb things like “Classical music is stupid.” As I got older and less dumb, I realized how stupid it sounds to say an entire genre of music is stupid simply because I don’t like it.

As I have gotten less young, I have developed a great appreciation for classical music.

I appreciate the years of dedication required to master an instrument.

I appreciate the precision it takes for 20, 40, or 80 people to come together and produce a majestic, unified sound.  

I appreciate that even though we don’t know the song name or the composer, there are pieces we all recognize as part of our collective consciousness.

I still don’t understand classical music or choose to listen to it, but I appreciate it.

Time is a zero-sum game. The more time we spend looking for reasons to appreciate the world around us, the less time we have to focus on how much things suck just because we don’t understand or enjoy them.

Happy Thanksgiving. Spend a few minutes appreciating the world around you.

Even the stuff that sucks.

Especially the stuff that sucks. 

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Learning Life Lessons

Human beings only learn life lessons one way...the hard way. 

When time are tough, we are likely to think about the mistakes we made and how we can avoid them next time. We are not so introspective when life is going well. In fact, we often downplay the good times. 

I got lucky. 

Someone else deserves all the credit. 

Worst of all, we don't even enjoy the good times because we know they won't last. We are certain the sky will fall sooner than later and crush our foolishly optimistic spirit. 

It is important to learn from our mistakes. That's where wisdom comes from. However, if we admit that our questionable choices lead to our setbacks, we have to admit the flip side is equally true. 

When life is good, we need to acknowledge and embrace what we did that got us there. 

Giving ourselves credit for the good times is how we build self esteem. In those moments, we develop the confidence to face future challenges and say "I've been here before, I succeeded then and I can do it again." 

If you only learn things the hard way, you are doing yourself a great disservice. Look for your victories, embrace them and admit that you are more than an innocent, lucky bystander. 

We don't just dig our own hole. We also summit the mountains.

If you want to be wise, learn from your mistakes.

If you want to be happy, learn from your victories.

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com