Rethinking Positive Thinking

I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking. No matter the situation, there's something you can learn or some positive takeaway to lessen the impact.

Despite this, I understand that for some people, positive thinking is garbage. If they have faced unspeakable tragedy, the last thing they need or want is someone telling them to look on the bright side. That's insulting.

For years I struggled to reframe positive thinking without calling it positive thinking but still keeping the intention intact. Then one day, a client talked about his best worst thing.

The best worst thing.

That's what I've been looking for. Trauma is ugly. I don't expect anyone to sugarcoat tragedy or celebrate hardships. But it is important to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. The best worst thing allows you to do that.

The worst thing acknowledges that what happened to you sucked. Calling it the best worst allows you to find meaning in the suck. It lets you say, "Yes, things were horrible, but I can still salvage something from the rubble."

For my client, the loss of a significant relationship was his worst. However, it was his best worst because it forced him to examine behaviors he knew were problematic but never fully admitted. If it was just the worst, he would still be wallowing in despair. Instead, he made it the best worst because he was determined to turn it into a useful experience.

Without that loss, it's likely he would continue on with life making the same mistakes.

If positive thinking doesn't fit your situation, I get it. Some experiences are so painful that it's hard to see a silver lining or squeeze the lemonade.

If that's where you are, then find your best worst thing.




For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking "fake it until you make it"

I am sick of cliched nonsense getting passed off as credible mental health insight.

Fake it until you make it. This is total garbage AND it sets you up for disappointment.

Let's assume you are sad. Some well-intended soul tells you to fake it until you make it. You can put on a smile and pretend, but you know your inside doesn't match your outside. You can fool other people, but you can't fool yourself. You know you are lying to others and yourself.

You know what's worse than being sad? Lying to yourself about being happy because you know you are lying. Now you are sad AND you're disappointed with yourself for being fake.

You can't fake your way into success in any other endeavor, and mental health isn't any different. Don't believe me? Try faking your way to be an accountant...chef...auto mechanic...heart surgeon.

Faking it only gets you so far. Eventually you need the skills to take the next step and truly make it.

Stop faking it because you won't make it. Be honest with yourself. Find a mental health professional who can help you learn the skills necessary for real and genuine success.



If you are looking for a therapist with a common sense approach to mental health, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are mental health professional and want creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

Rethinking I Don't Know

I have a theory. Nine out of ten times when a client says "I don't know," they know.

You know what's bothering you.

You know where your angst & fear & anger is coming from.

You might not want to admit it, or acknowledge it, or say it out loud, because when the thought leaves your head & enters the world it becomes real.

But you know.

You have more answers than you realize.

You know what is bothering you. Give yourself credit for knowing you better than anybody else does.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

In defense of Carl Rogers

I remember learning about Carl Rogers in my master's program. We couldn't believe all you had to do was listen to a client. Where were the tricks? The techniques? Listening isn't doing something.

The longer I'm in this field, the more I realize Rogers got it right. We therapists might want more, but all our clients want is to know someone is listening to them and accepting them unconditionally. It's not even a client issue. It's what people want.  

We are all so eager to learn the latest modality and add initials to our business cards. When is the last time you went to a workshop dedicated to person centered therapy? Took a refresher course in one of the bedrock theories of our profession? 

Here's the crazy thing. Every theory, every modality, every technique you use contains elements of PCT. Every...single...one. But we treat it like an appetizer instead of the main course.

The next ceu workshop you go to, the speaker might spend a few minutes on active listening & empathy before moving on their shiny new therapy toy. And let's be honest: 9 times out of 10 they are selling you old cognitive behavioral therapy repackaged with new vocabulary. 

I am unapologetic about my reverence for Carl Rogers. You ask me what theories I use in my practice. I will tell you CBT and PCT. I get the feeling people expect more. But why do I need a mango splitter, banana slicer, apple corer, and butter spreader when I already have a good knife?   

PCT isn't sexy. It's not hip and trendy. You'll never get a crowd of people to sit for 7 hours learning about a theory older than they are. 

But it still works. 

Rogers got it right. 

If you would like creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethinking Change

The most common misconception people have about mental health is that they think they need to change. To be better, they have to do something different or be something different.

You don't have to change. You are already everything you want to be.

If you are ready to give yourself a positive, encouraging assessment, you will discover that at some point in your life, you have been brave...
adventurous...
assertive...
compassionate...
creative...
motivated...
confident...
emotionally aware...
sensitive...
caring...
appreciative...
calm...
genuine...
honest.

Whatever it is you want to be, you've been it before. You've done it. Maybe just once, but you still did it. And if you did it once, it's a part of you.

You don't have to change. You are already everything you want to be.

Be it more often.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking coping SKILLS

Typically, when we think of coping skills, we focus on coping; what can we do to navigate a stressful situation? What gets commonly overlooked is that coping skills are SKILLS.

A skill is something you can learn.

The more you work on your coping SKILLS, the better you get. Coping skills are like every other skill you have. The more you do it, the better you get.

The better you get, the more self confidence you develop. 

The more confident you feel, the more likely you are to apply these skills in different settings and situations.

For all of this to happen, you have to embrace the idea that coping skills are skills. You have to believe that breathing, body awareness and TEA (thoughts/Emotions/Actions) are things you can do.

Ideally, this is how coping skills work in real life.

Things fall apart at work. You go to your office and freak out/melt down for 30 minutes. Then you remember to take a breath, check your body and rethink the situation, and move on with your day.

Next time things go south, it only takes you 15 minutes to apply your coping skills. Then 5. Pretty soon, you are using these skills in the moment to avoid freaking out/melting down.

Now that you feel better about what you do, you are applying these skills beyond the work place: when your kids are stepping on your last nerve or when some doofus driver cuts you off without warning.

Yes, you have gotten better at coping in the work place. Yes, these situations are very different, but the skills you use are exactly the same.

Don't worry if you aren't perfect. Nobody is. Don't worry about setbacks. Even the best baseball players strike out. Don't worry if someone seems better at coping than you are. It's not a contest.

Focus on developing your skills. If you can do this, your skills will improve, and so will you.



For information on individual counseling sessions, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking What You Think Are Coping Skills

As you know by now, there are only 3 coping skills that will effectively help you manage your emotions in the moment.

1. Breathe.

2. Body awareness.

3. Rethink your situation with TEA: thoughts, emotions, actions.

There is a common misconception that any other activity can pass for a coping skill: running, cooking, writing, listening to music, shopping, exercise, etc... 

The major stumbling block for all of these is "in the moment." Consider this. 

At work, your boss is critical of your performance. You are stressed. How realistic is it for you to clock out, run a 5K or cook a meal or go shopping, go back and address your boss's concerns? Not very. At best, it's a diversion, a temporary break from addressing the situation.

Let's look at the other way this situation frequently plays out. 

Your boss gives you an earful. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

The next day, a co-worker gets on your bad side. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better.

The next day, a customer blasts you. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

Do you see a pattern? That's because your "coping skill" isn't teaching you how to manage your emotions. It's not helping you manage future stress. You are using your hobby as a way of actively avoiding your problem. What you think is a coping skill is really avoidance.

A healthy coping skill is something you can use in the moment. It is also a SKILL. Like any other skill you possess, the more you do it, the better you get. As you improve your breathing, your body awareness, your rethinking, these skills will help you effectively manage future stressful situations.

You can work your way up from a 5K to a marathon, but if it doesn't help you manage the moment, it's not a coping skill. 

Please don't think I am criticizing your hobbies. You need relief from stress. You need time to clear your head and remove yourself from toxic situations. These activities can serve a healthy function. Call them activities...hobbies...stress relievers. Please don't call them coping skills. Save that for...

Breathing.

Body Awareness.

Rethinking your situation with TEA.

For more information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com