You overthink. You are afraid to commit. You struggle to make decisions. What is going on? Why are you so afraid to make up your mind? What is overthinking?
In its purest form, overthinking is a lack of confidence.
First, you overthink because you are worried that you will make the wrong decision. Overthinking always leads to worst case scenario. When is the last time you overthought a situation and your head filled with trophies and ticker tape parades? Never. You overthink because you can't face the prospect of being wrong.
Next, it's not just the decision. It's also the aftermath. You are convinced that your decision will end poorly, and you lack the confidence in your ability to navigate the fallout. If things go as poorly as you think they will, you will be crushed. You will never recover.
Overthinking = lack of confidence.
Confidence is not bragging that you are the best. Confidence is saying this is what I want and this is what I'm doing, and I can handle whatever happens. Confidence allows you to make mistakes because you know you will be OK.
Have the courage of your convictions.
Remind yourself that you've survived every other perceived misstep and setback you've ever faced.
Have the confidence to make mistakes.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation on your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Sunday, February 9, 2020
Monday, January 6, 2020
Rethink the dumb things we say #4
You child brings home a B on a test. Maybe their team lost a close game. Or they came in third.
You want to be encouraging and supportive. You respond with, "Nice job, and I know you'll do better next time."
Next time.
You think it's motivating. Parent of the Year material. Your child doesn't.
Next time. You are focused on the future. They are in the moment, thinking "I'm not good enough right now."
I'm not good enough.
Your well-intended words leave your child with the feeling that they are not good enough.
Be in the moment and let a person have their moment. Even if you think they can do better, LET THEM HAVE THEIR MOMENT! Hey, nice job. I'm proud of you. Good stuff. You rock.
There will be other times to focus on working harder, diligence, and all the healthy traits you want to instill in them. It can wait. Sending them the subtle message that they aren't good enough often has the opposite effect. It kills their desire to improve. If someone thinks they aren't good enough, then the next step is to think they never will be good enough. If that's the case, why put in the effort?
I'm not suggesting you throw a ticker tape parade for every accomplishment. However, it is important to celebrate all their victories, no matter how small you think they are. Let someone know you recognize their effort and appreciate what they are doing. No qualifiers. No asterisks. No next time.
The power of positive reinforcement can never be overstated. Be in the moment. Let someone know they are good enough. Right now.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation on your professional literature or your Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Monday, December 16, 2019
Rethinking Ruts
The good news is you aren't stuck in a rut.
The bad news is you are stuck in dozens of little ruts.
The good news is that's not bad news at all. That's good news. Great news.
If you think of life as one giant rut, you feel overwhelmed. Helpless. You are in an emotional Mariana Trench. How do you climb out of that?
When you think of your life as dozens of small ruts, that's workable. You can make sense of it. The proof is in your bathroom.
Every day you brush your teeth in the same pattern. When you shower, you wash your body the same way. You dry off the same way. You comb your hair the same way. You are stuck in ruts you don't even recognize. Your brain is comfortable with the ruts.
To climb out of the ruts, you have to train yourself 1) to look for the ruts and 2) to look for ways out of the ruts. Now that it's on your radar, next time you brush your teeth make a conscious effort to change up your routine.
Yes, this is low hanging fruit, but you always start off small. Baby steps. Walk before you run. Get comfortable with the idea of shaking things up.
If you are overwhelmed at the thought of climbing out of dozens of small ruts, think of it as exercise. Every time you climb out of one rut, you get stronger. Climbing out of the next rut is a little bit easier. The more you climb, the stronger you get.
As you get stronger, you start to look for other ruts. You park in the same spot at work every day. Drink from the same coffee mug. Sit in the same chair for your monthly staff meeting. Sit in the same spot in the break room for lunch.
Look for the ruts and start climbing.
And the next time you're in the bathroom, think of me.
If you are interested in individual therapy, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
If you are interested in creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Rethink Thanksgiving
Family. Friends. Our pets. Our home. Our phone?!?!?!
We all know the usual Thanksgiving suspects and the stuff we are all thankful for. This year, add one thing to the list. It's the most unappreciated and overlooked thing in your life.
This Thanksgiving, give thanks for you.
That's right. Give thanks for you. It's not selfish or arrogant. It's healthy and much deserved.
Maybe you are thankful that you've been at your current job longer than any other. You're doing something right.
Be thankful that your hands can knit, or play piano, or whatever amazing thing your hands can do.
Be thankful that your knees allow you to run or bike or get on the floor to play with your kids. Or better yet, that they allow you to get up off the floor.
Be thankful that there are people in your life who enjoy your company and appreciate having you around. That's a testament to your personality and how you treat others.
Be thankful that you can still fit into your favorite shirt you got 15 years ago. You worked hard to keep that shape.
Be thankful for all the little things you do throughout the day to keep going. Those things don't just happen. You make it happen. Take the credit for it.
Be nice to yourself. Be good to yourself. Give thanks for you.
As for me, I'm thankful for everybody who read this far :)
Happy Thanksgiving.
For information on getting rid of any turkey & cranberry sauce leftovers, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
We all know the usual Thanksgiving suspects and the stuff we are all thankful for. This year, add one thing to the list. It's the most unappreciated and overlooked thing in your life.
This Thanksgiving, give thanks for you.
That's right. Give thanks for you. It's not selfish or arrogant. It's healthy and much deserved.
Maybe you are thankful that you've been at your current job longer than any other. You're doing something right.
Be thankful that your hands can knit, or play piano, or whatever amazing thing your hands can do.
Be thankful that your knees allow you to run or bike or get on the floor to play with your kids. Or better yet, that they allow you to get up off the floor.
Be thankful that there are people in your life who enjoy your company and appreciate having you around. That's a testament to your personality and how you treat others.
Be thankful that you can still fit into your favorite shirt you got 15 years ago. You worked hard to keep that shape.
Be thankful for all the little things you do throughout the day to keep going. Those things don't just happen. You make it happen. Take the credit for it.
Be nice to yourself. Be good to yourself. Give thanks for you.
As for me, I'm thankful for everybody who read this far :)
Happy Thanksgiving.
For information on getting rid of any turkey & cranberry sauce leftovers, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Rethink the dumb things we say, #3
It's one thing to give bad advice. It takes it to a new level when your bad advice sets someone up for certain failure.
Just ignore them.
I hear staff say it to students. I hear parents say it to their kids. It drives me crazy every time. I will say this as politely as I can.
YOU CANNOT IGNORE SOMETHING THAT IS IN YOUR HEAD!!!
Once the person, place, thing or situation that is bothering you gets in your head, you are miles past the ignoring stage. Ignoring is an impossible task.
If you don't believe me, consider this. Someone named Jimmy is bothering you. Your friend says "Just ignore Jimmy." Can you really ignore the person you are talking about...who you are thinking about...whose name is ringing in your ears? It's impossible because you are thinking about ignoring them. Thinking about something is the exact opposite of ignoring.
What typically passes for ignoring is really just separating yourself from the annoying thing while continuing to brood over whatever upset you in the first place. Physical separation is not ignoring.
You still don't believe me. Try this. Ignore the purple elephant.
Ignoring has never worked and never will. Please stop telling people to ignore their problems. No one ever solved a problem by ignoring it.
We have to face our problems. We have to learn the cognitive skills to rethink a situation. We have to be able to look at life differently in order to achieve different results.
That's a fact we simply cannot ignore.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Just ignore them.
I hear staff say it to students. I hear parents say it to their kids. It drives me crazy every time. I will say this as politely as I can.
YOU CANNOT IGNORE SOMETHING THAT IS IN YOUR HEAD!!!
Once the person, place, thing or situation that is bothering you gets in your head, you are miles past the ignoring stage. Ignoring is an impossible task.
If you don't believe me, consider this. Someone named Jimmy is bothering you. Your friend says "Just ignore Jimmy." Can you really ignore the person you are talking about...who you are thinking about...whose name is ringing in your ears? It's impossible because you are thinking about ignoring them. Thinking about something is the exact opposite of ignoring.
What typically passes for ignoring is really just separating yourself from the annoying thing while continuing to brood over whatever upset you in the first place. Physical separation is not ignoring.
You still don't believe me. Try this. Ignore the purple elephant.
Ignoring has never worked and never will. Please stop telling people to ignore their problems. No one ever solved a problem by ignoring it.
We have to face our problems. We have to learn the cognitive skills to rethink a situation. We have to be able to look at life differently in order to achieve different results.
That's a fact we simply cannot ignore.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Monday, September 30, 2019
Rethink the Dumb Things We Say, #2
If you have worked with kids of any age for even 5 minutes, you've heard this dumb thing.
They just want attention.
It's always said with a sneer. Of all the dumb things I hear, this one pisses me off the most. It is simultaneously 100% accurate and 100% misses the point. It's like having the food on your fork and it's so close to your mouth but you jab yourself in the eye instead.
Yes, kids want attention. Correction. Kids NEED attention. They need to be recognized and appreciated. When they are young, they beg for it. Hey Mom, look at me. Hey Dad, watch this. Positive reinforcement helps them develop confidence and grow into healthy, functioning adults.
We have turned wanting attention into a punishable offense. Acting up? Go to your room. In school suspension. Detention hall. How have we allowed our society to vilify the most basic of human needs?
When kids act up, they are begging for attention. A cry for help is not criminal intent!
Believe it or not, it gets worse. If a kid doesn't get positive attention, what will they do?
That's right. They will do whatever it takes to get any attention they can. Their behavior is predictable. We can always spot the trouble makers. We know they need healthy attention and we don't do anything about it. Instead, we create systems of punishment to "teach them responsibility," then we sit back and wait for them to fail.
Years ago, I learned what is as close to a one-size-fits-all intervention as there could be. The next time a kid is acting up, instead of lecturing them, say "I see you are struggling. Thanks for letting me know you need some help." It won't work every time, but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Stop the lectures. Stop the punishments. Give kids the attention they need.
For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
They just want attention.
It's always said with a sneer. Of all the dumb things I hear, this one pisses me off the most. It is simultaneously 100% accurate and 100% misses the point. It's like having the food on your fork and it's so close to your mouth but you jab yourself in the eye instead.
Yes, kids want attention. Correction. Kids NEED attention. They need to be recognized and appreciated. When they are young, they beg for it. Hey Mom, look at me. Hey Dad, watch this. Positive reinforcement helps them develop confidence and grow into healthy, functioning adults.
We have turned wanting attention into a punishable offense. Acting up? Go to your room. In school suspension. Detention hall. How have we allowed our society to vilify the most basic of human needs?
When kids act up, they are begging for attention. A cry for help is not criminal intent!
Believe it or not, it gets worse. If a kid doesn't get positive attention, what will they do?
That's right. They will do whatever it takes to get any attention they can. Their behavior is predictable. We can always spot the trouble makers. We know they need healthy attention and we don't do anything about it. Instead, we create systems of punishment to "teach them responsibility," then we sit back and wait for them to fail.
Years ago, I learned what is as close to a one-size-fits-all intervention as there could be. The next time a kid is acting up, instead of lecturing them, say "I see you are struggling. Thanks for letting me know you need some help." It won't work every time, but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Stop the lectures. Stop the punishments. Give kids the attention they need.
For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Rethink the dumb things we say, #1
We say dumb things...all the time.
We don't say dumb things because we are malicious. We have good intentions and poor execution.
This is the first post in a series about the dumb things we say. Whenever possible, I'll provide an alternative. I'll start with the granddaddy of all dumb things. It feels like it's been around the longest & gets the most use.
It will be ok.
We say things will be ok. We hope things will be ok. The problem is we can't guarantee anything will be ok. In fact, the person we are reassuring probably recognizes the statement as a promise we cannot fulfill. They've heard it dozens of times and there they are, still breaking down, still needing help.
Very often, they are thinking, "Nothing in my life has ever been ok. What makes you think it will be ok now?" Our effort to comfort them only agitates them.
When I hear "it will be ok," I hear a passive, defeated attitude. Nothing magically gets better in life. Things only change when we do the work. We can't simply sit around waiting for life to get better.
I never tell a client things will get better. Instead I tell them we'll keep working. I want them to know that we are in this together and it's going to take effort from both of us.
No, it won't be ok.
Yes, we will keep working on it, together.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation on your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
We don't say dumb things because we are malicious. We have good intentions and poor execution.
This is the first post in a series about the dumb things we say. Whenever possible, I'll provide an alternative. I'll start with the granddaddy of all dumb things. It feels like it's been around the longest & gets the most use.
It will be ok.
We say things will be ok. We hope things will be ok. The problem is we can't guarantee anything will be ok. In fact, the person we are reassuring probably recognizes the statement as a promise we cannot fulfill. They've heard it dozens of times and there they are, still breaking down, still needing help.
Very often, they are thinking, "Nothing in my life has ever been ok. What makes you think it will be ok now?" Our effort to comfort them only agitates them.
When I hear "it will be ok," I hear a passive, defeated attitude. Nothing magically gets better in life. Things only change when we do the work. We can't simply sit around waiting for life to get better.
I never tell a client things will get better. Instead I tell them we'll keep working. I want them to know that we are in this together and it's going to take effort from both of us.
No, it won't be ok.
Yes, we will keep working on it, together.
For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
For creative consultation on your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com
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