Taller on the inside

I was in my early 20s, flying home from college in one of those tiny airplanes. Two seats on one side of the aisle, one on the other. Feels like you’re flying over a sky full of speed bumps.

I was sitting comfortably in my chair, or as comfortable as one could be while bouncing around like tennis balls in the dryer. The man next to me, the very tall man, was awkwardly folded into his chair. He sniffed his knees from Missouri to Memphis. His only other option would have been to drape his legs over the seat in front of him.

It was that exact moment I stopped wishing I was taller and found happiness with my vertically challenged frame.

All my life I wanted to be taller. Not freakishly tall. I would have been happy at 6 feet even; tall enough to dunk a basketball but not so tall that everyone assumes I play basketball.

Then I saw this poor guy, miserable and struggling to achieve comfort while tackling the most mundane of tasks: sitting in a chair.

It was the first time in my life I appreciated being the size I was.

Years later, working with teenagers who never hesitate to comment on my height, I started telling them “I’m taller on the inside.” I really feel that way. I am confident with who I am and what I do. My height doesn’t define me. Why should it? I didn’t choose my stature. I can’t change it. I might as well accept it and make the best of it. It’s a lot easier than wearing heels and combing my hair up.  

It took me years to hit internal puberty. I was a late bloomer. Also, I think I'm still growing.

Everybody is born with something about them they would like to change...something they didn’t choose and can’t control. I say embrace it. Revel in it. Plop your butt down in that tiny airplane seat and be comfortable.    

Find happiness with who you are.

Be taller on the inside.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

Rethink Closure

There is no such thing as closure!

It drives me crazy when pop culture cliche invades mental health. It creates unrealistic expectations and pushes people further away from the help they need. Do you know when you get closure? When you die. Until then, the door can swing open any time.

Let’s say someone significant in your life dies. For the first few months, you cry easily and a lot. You struggle to focus on day-to-day life. That’s normal.

As time goes by, the tears subside. You resume daily activity. You find reasons to feel good without feeling guilty. You cry a little on birthdays and anniversaries. All normal. You think you have closure.

Then one random day 10 years down the road, you have a meal that tastes just like Mom used to make...see a guy wearing a jersey of your husband’s favorite team...hear the shared song that you haven’t heard in years...and you break down and cry like you just heard the news for the first time. Closure just opened up.

In real life, the door swings open and shut all the time. You can’t predict it. When you think you have closure, an unexpected wind blows it open. Maybe just a crack. Maybe rips the doors off the hinges. That’s life and that’s normal.

Closure is not life and closure is not normal.

When you see a therapist, it’s for big reasons. Life changing reasons. Emotional hurricane reasons. It’s not realistic or healthy to think you can close the door and never look back. If it’s big enough to seek help, it’s too big to forget.   

If you are currently in therapy or considering it, it is important  to have realistic expectations. If you don’t, no therapist will be good enough to help you.

You can cope...manage...strive to find a balance...make lemonade...dance in the rain...whatever suits your needs. Remember the past, move forward with the lesson and leave the pain behind. But know that sometimes the pain gets a second wind and catches up to you...if only for a moment.  

Don’t look for closure. You’ll never find it.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

A nursing home primer

Consider these 2 fact:

1. Every day, thousands of Baby Boomers are retiring.

2. Development and construction of nursing homes and senior living facilities is booming.

Put these together and that means in the next 10 to 15 years, a lot of you will face the reality of putting your parents in a facility. When that day comes, here are some tips to help make the transition less stressful.

1. ASK QUESTIONS. I worked in a nursing home for 5 years. I listened to nurses rattle off terminology as if they were speaking in code while family members nodded along, clueless. As you age, you are essentially learning a new language dominated by acronyms. COPD. CHF. UTI. CNA. LPN. Acting smart is dumb. Educate yourself.  

2. GET TO KNOW THE STAFF. Nursing homes are divided into units. Each unit has a social worker/case manager. They generally handle all non-medical stuff but you can go to them for anything. You have nursing assistants (CNAs or PCAs) and head/charge nurses. Then there’s a unit manager who oversees everything on the unit. There is a director of nursing (DON), possibly even an assistant director of nursing (ADON). Then you have various administrators. If you have a problem, find the right person who can help. And don’t stop. Keep going until you get the results you want.

One of the most popular people on my unit was the housekeeper. He knew the residents and visited with families. He kept track of special requests. It’s helpful to be on the good side of the people actually doing the work, not just the important bigwigs.

3. KNOW YOUR MEDICAL CONDITION. What you have dictates your level of care and what services you will need. Can you expect to get better, manage the pain or simply slow down your decline? Also, diseases progress in stages, so it’s important to know where you are.

4. KNOW YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Some people walk into a nursing home hoping to be there for years. Others roll in knowing they won’t last the month. This ties directly into knowing the stage of your illness. Do you expect aggressive treatment, maintenance or comfort measures/hospice? If you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t know what to ask for.

5. BE SPECIFIC. The more information you can give staff, the better they can meet your needs. “Dad likes to eat” is not as valuable as “Dad has a big breakfast and skips lunch, but he does enjoy a snack around 2pm, usually fruit or yogurt, something light.”

6. KNOW WHAT THE FACILITY PROVIDES. It always frustrated me when residents assumed we provided everything. Facilities aren’t obligated to buy you new socks, pay for cable tv upgrades, electric razors and anything else you don’t want to purchase. If you have unrealistic expectations, you will be disappointed. This is a good rule of thumb for life in general.

7. BE PART OF THE CARE. It also bothered me when families would drop their parents at our door with the unstated message they are now our problem. Stay involved. If staff sees you’re a regular, they’re more likely to respond to you in a positive manner when you ask for help. If you roll in on the big 5 (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday, Mothers/Father’s Day, Fourth of July) then staff will see you as the jerk who only comes in on holidays.

9. I have saved the best for last, something I told every new resident upon admission: ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF! It is YOUR OBLIGATION to make sure staff provides the level of care you expect. If something doesn’t look right, ask questions and speak up. DO NOT EVER feel like you are “bothering” staff. And don’t ever tolerate staff that makes you feel like a pest or a burden. Staff is there to do a job, to take care of human beings in a dignified fashion. If they don’t want to do that, then they can hit the road. I have a low tolerance for people who underperform in this field...and you should too.

Ultimately, growing old is like any other endeavor in your life: the more you know the better off you'll be.  

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

Knees and Empathy

Mr. Jack was a paratrooper during World War II. He helped liberate a concentration camp. I saw the pictures he personally took while standing in Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest. By the time I met him, he was 85, in a nursing home, struggling to dress himself.

As I watched him one morning laboring to put on his shoes and socks, I thought of myself. I play soccer, and the day after a game my knees and back don’t cooperate. It takes longer than normal, and a lot more grunting, to reach my feet.

I could see myself on his bed with Mr. Jack, struggling alongside him to get dressed...thankful that for me it’s one day a week...painfully aware that for Mr. Jack it’s every day he wakes up.

It was one of the seminal moments of my life. Without knowing it, Mr. Jack taught me empathy.

Empathy is the ability to find a piece of yourself in someone else.

This bears repeating because empathy is one of those words that gets tossed around so casually that it’s lost all meaning.

Empathy is the ability to find a piece of yourself in someone else.

When you find a piece of yourself in someone else, you connect to that person. It allows us to show others we care, not because we have to, but because we have even a modest bit of insight into their situation. It is not pity. It is understanding.    

Empathy is what keeps us from judging too quickly. It tempers our hostility. Empathy demands that we know ourselves and we make an effort to get to know others...to make a connection. Empathy separates us from the animals.

It is easy to connect to people just like you. Perhaps the most human act of all is to connect with someone with whom you have no obvious connection.

Can you see a piece of yourself in the mother struggling to control her kids in the grocery store? The refugee dropped into a new city with minimal grasp of the language? The old man taking too long to put on his shoes and socks because you have other tasks to get to?

Hero is another overworked word. Mr. Jack is the guy I think of when I think of the Greatest Generation. He did things I can only read about. He was a hero. I am not. But one morning every week, Mr. Jack and I are connected, if only at the knees.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

There are no good days!!!

There is no such thing as a good day.

That’s a happy thought. Makes you feel all warm inside.

On the bright side, there are no bad days either.  

This all-or-nothing mentality is one of the most common faulty thoughts we use to convince ourselves everything sucks. In reality, our days are filled with highs and lows. You don’t even need a therapist to tell you that. That’s life.

We need to remind ourselves of this when we start to think every single incident that occurs in a 24 hour period and every person we come into contact with exists for the sole purpose of making our lives absolutely 100% miserable.

You know those days that seem to fall apart before you even leave the house? Does the day get worse because it really gets worse? Or does it get worse because you’re already in a horrible mood, so you mope around looking for more reasons to be pissed off while closing your eyes from the sunlight?

There are scant few truths in life. One of them is “you find what you are looking for.”

If your day starts off miserable, change what you are looking for! If you can use your powers for the negative, laser focusing on every injustice thrown your way, you can do the same for the positives, searching for the rays of sunlight.

The next time it feels like the sky is going to collapse on you (it probably won’t), take a deep breath and remind yourself of the good things that happened throughout the day. You’ll be in a better mood when you get home, which means your spouse & kids will be happier to be around you...which means you’ll be happier. Circle of happiness.    

One final thought: don’t sit there passively waiting for the sunlight to shine on you. Go look for it. And if it’s not a sunny day, you can still dance in the rain.  

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

In addition to being an LPC, I also fancy myself a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

13 Reasons Why: The Rebuttal

“13 Reasons Why” is a Netflix series about a teenage girl who commits suicide. She leaves behind a set of audio cassettes explaining the 13 reasons she killed herself. I won’t rehash the pros and cons of the show. Instead, it inspired me to create my own list.  

13 reasons why I’m happy to be alive, in no particular order

1. My 2 children: Watching them grow up and listening to them laugh is the best part of every day.
2. My wife: I could not burden her with the struggle of raising our kids alone. Also, it took me a long time to find her. I'm not leaving her so soon.
3. Food: I am amazed and comforted by the variety of food in our world. I love to eat and could easily weigh 50 pounds more than I do.
4. My mom: She’s getting old. She needs my support.  
5. Camping: I don’t do it enough. Nothing makes me feel more alive than fresh air, the sounds of the forest, the diversity of nature, and eating food cooked over an open flame.
6. My brother and sister: They already know the pain of losing a sibling. I would never intentionally put them through that again.
7. Fantasy football: I would call it a guilty pleasure, but I gave up guilt long ago.
8. My religion: My people have faced persecution for centuries. I would feel like I am doing a disservice to all the men and women who fought to keep our faith alive when so many have tried to destroy it and us.
9. Investing: Managing my portfolio exposes me to facets of our society I otherwise would not know exist. Investing is my window to the world. It’s also a healthy reminder that there is still a place for dreamers and innovation.
10. Pizza: I already mentioned food, but I could eat pizza every day and never get tired of it. It deserves its own spot.
11. My friends: I have too many to name. For reasons I still don’t get, I am fortunate that so many good people choose to call me their friend.
12. Music: See #3. It’s food for my ears.
13. Me: There’s a lot left for me to do and see...and eat.

Some of my choices are cheats. Food and music are broad categories, and I could easily do separate lists for each. Have you ever had fresh mango? Have you ever closed your eyes and picked Stuart Copeland's drumming out of a Police song? Stop reading and go do that!

This type of list is actually a common tool used by therapists working with suicidal patients. It won’t solve the problem, but it plants a seed and lets them know that not all of life is doom and gloom.

Even if you are not suicidal, depressed or struggling in your life, make your own list. Maybe you will remember a long lost love. Hopefully some of your entries will surprise you.

The worst that can happen is you spent a few minutes focused on the stuff that makes you smile.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

Making pancakes is a 3-person job

He’s 18 so we’re going to start giving him some responsibility.

A mother said this during her son's parent/teacher conference. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’s about 16 years late.

A parent can’t expect their child to become responsible simply because they reach an arbitrary chronological destination. You wouldn’t expect your kid to become an instant guitar wizard or ballerina. It takes time. Developing responsibility is the same.  

I have done plenty that my kids’ future therapists will hear about. There is one thing my wife and I have gotten right. We get our kids involved early and often.

My daughter is five. For as long as I remember, she has “helped” us in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter if it takes her five minutes to complete what I can do in 30 seconds. It doesn’t matter that her knife cuts are uneven and sloppy (she has her own set of nylon knives). What matters is that she is involved and learning her way around the kitchen. She is also learning responsibility.

Now that our son is 2 ½, making Sunday morning pancakes is a 3-person job. They pour. They stir. It takes a few extra seconds to manufacture jobs for them, but it’s less time than explaining that they’re too young and dealing with the tantrum.

When our kids ask to help, we make it happen. I can’t tell you how much laundry we have had to refold because our daughter wanted to help. Big deal. A few seconds now for a lifetime of responsibility is a fair trade.

The best part of all this is little kids naturally want to be involved. They want to do exactly what you are doing. They are practically begging you to give them chores. They have play kitchens, toy vacuums, kid size rakes, brooms and shovels.

Parents, strike while the iron is hot! Don’t wait until they’re old enough to argue with you, because that is exactly what they will do.

As for the student at the beginning, he is lazy. If he worked as hard in class as he does avoiding work, he’d be a top scholar. Sadly, very little has ever been expected of him. His bar is set low, and he is happily crawling under it.   

Maybe all of this early involvement will pay off. Maybe it won’t. That’s a chance I’m willing to take. And I am looking forward to the Sunday morning when making pancakes is only a 2-person job.    

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.