Rethinking the Danger of Self Care as Coping Skill

For decades, mental health professionals have perpetuated the myth that hobbies and self care are coping skills. This is inaccurate and dangerous. Our profession has spent far too long doing more harm than good.

There are three primary reasons we need to stop endorsing the faulty notion that self care & hobbies are coping skills. 

1. The four coping skills help you in the moment directly address your stressor. Self care is the exact opposite. It's what we do to forget about life for a while. Without a clear explanation of the difference, we are pushing people away from facing their problems. This is the exact opposite of what our profession should be doing. We don't want our clients going from moment to moment seeking a temporary fix. We should be helping them find healthy, sustainable, long term solutions.  

2. If we tell people hobbies are coping skills, it's hard to tell them their specific hobby isn't a coping skill. Most are innocent: exercise, arts & crafts, reading, journaling, etc... What happens when a hobby isn't so obviously harmless?  

What if someone says they like to start fires? They have a metal trashcan in the back yard & a bucket of water for emergencies. If anything is a coping skill, we can't tell someone their hobby doesn't make the list. We've opened a door that is going to be extremely hard to close.  

How often are you setting fires? Do you get the urge to set fires outside of your back yard? Does anyone know you do this? If you have to ask follow up questions, it's not a coping skill. It's a problem. This leads to the third major flaw with the notion with self care as coping skill.    

2. A coping skill should never lead to abuse or addiction. Self care as coping skill blurs the lines and causes confusion. How many clients have we unwittingly pushed down a slippery slope because we have validated their hobbies as coping skills? Glass of wine when you're stressed? Coping skill. Glass of wine every night? Coping skill. Two glasses every night? Glass every night & a bottle on the weekend? 

What about video games? Social media? Shopping? Collecting? Various sexual acts & preferences? There are numerous current or potential diagnostic codes that directly address "coping skills" gone wrong. If you can specialize in helping someone cope with their coping skill, it's not a coping skill.  

Self care is not a coping skill. Hobbies are not coping skills. Mental health professionals need to stop perpetuating the myth that it's all the same. For the betterment of our clients, we need to draw clear lines and properly define our terms.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

Rethinking the Four Coping Skill

A coping skill helps us directly address whoever or whatever is bothering us. Hobbies are not coping skills. Self care is not a coping skill. They are diversions and distractions. 

Hobbies and self care are important. Sometimes we need a break. However, when we are ready to confront our problems, there are only four coping skills that can help us effectively manage the moment.  

These are most effective when used in succession, each making the next one easier to achieve.       

1. Breathe. This is the equivalent of rebooting your system. It's a way to remind yourself that you need to start the coping process. It also makes it easier to move to the next step.  

2. Take control of your body. Take a deep breath and exhale. Did you notice your chest and shoulders? They automatically rise and relax with your breath. If you can take control of your body, you can take control of the situation. It's almost impossible to think straight (foreshadowing) when your hands are fists, your shoulders are trying to reach your ears, your stomach is in knots. A relaxed body helps clear your head so you can move to the next step. 

3. Rethink your situation (TEA: Thoughts/Emotions/Actions). Remember when I said think straight? This is classic cognitive behavioral. You can't change the past, can't change the people around you, can't control every variable in your environment. You can control your thoughts. You can rethink your situation. It's TEA. Thoughts determine Emotions. Emotions determine Actions. Angry thoughts make you angry. Sad thoughts make you sad. Calm thoughts make you calm. It's your choice.

After you have taken control of your body and mind, the glue that holds it all together is...

4. Tell yourself you did a good job. Good old fashioned positive reinforcement. It's the Ringo Starr of coping skills, unappreciated and overlooked but critical to completing the song. If you don't believe in what you are doing, you will resort back to your unhealthy ways. Make good decisions and feel good about those decisions. Your inside has to match your outside.   

If you're feeling one thing but showing another, it all falls apart. You get angry, but you put on the mask. You're going through the "right" motions on the outside but you're still angry on the inside. 

You don't show your anger in the moment. Instead, you take it home and blow up at someone who doesn't deserve it. That's because you didn't cope with anything! You just delayed the explosion because you didn't actually believe in what you were doing.  

You might think your hobby is a healthy coping skill. It's not. It helps you feel good while you avoid your problems. You eventually have to confront what is bothering you, or it will always bother you. Once the movie is over, the book is read, you are cooled off from the exercise, the thing that bothers you will still be bothering you.

When you are ready to face your fears...your demons...your obstacles...

Take a deep breath...

Relax your body...

Rethink your situation...

And feel good about what you're doing. 

The only four coping skills there are. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Coping Skills Versus Self Care

The term "coping skills" has been so distorted & watered down that it's lost all meaning. We need a clear vision as to what coping skills are and what they do. We need to understand the difference between a coping skill and self care. And we need to stop telling people self care is a coping skill. 

Self care IS NOT a coping skill. Our hobbies ARE NOT coping skills. They are distractions and diversions. For decades, mental health professionals have validated practically any legal activity as a coping skill: exercise, arts & crafts, writing, singing, dancing, playing video games, listening to music. Self care is important. Sometimes we need a break. However, self care and coping skills are entirely different animals. 

Here are four reasons self care is not a coping skill. 

1. A coping skill helps you in the moment of crisis. If you're at work and a customer or co-worker is driving you crazy, you can't clock out, go home to watch Netflix or run a few miles. Your hobbies do not help you in the moment, because... 

2. A coping skill helps you directly address what is bothering you. Hobbies take our minds off of our problems. It's what we do when we don't want to confront our emotions. We even tell ourselves that. I need to veg out. I need a break. That is the exact opposite of a coping skill. 

3. A coping skill helps you handle the same situation more effectively next time. You get sad, you watch tv. You get sad again, you watch more tv. If you keep getting mad/sad/nervous at the same situation, that's a clue your coping skill isn't helping you cope. It's helping you repeatedly avoid your problems. A coping skill is a SKILL, and the more you do it the better you get. We learn from our mistakes, we refine our techniques and we handle the next situation better than the last time.    

4. Coping skills are holistic and organic. They come from within. They require no trendy gadgets, memberships or a trip to your happy place. They are not addictive or able to be abused. If there is a licensed, certified professional who can help you overcome your coping skill, then it's not a coping skill. It's a problem. 

We have spent decades telling everyone that anything is a coping skill. We have essentially validated ignoring problems and emotions. 

And then when do we draw the line between what we think is a coping skill and what we fear is an addictive behavior? Playing video games is a healthy coping skill, unless you are doing it 2 hours a day? 4 hours? 10 hours?       

Self care is a distraction, a diversion, a commercial break from our problems. Coping skills are what we use to directly address what is bothering us. It's time we start to draw clear distinctions between the two.

Next week, I'll reveal the four coping skills. That's right. There are only four coping skills.

For more information about counseling or to schedule an appointment, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethink The Appreciation Challenge

What do you appreciate? 

You're probably thinking family, health, car, job.

Those are good answers, but to truly appreciate life you have to dig deeper. The problem is the question. It's easy to get overwhelmed by contemplating the entire world.  

Because appreciation is so fundamental to healthy living, I created the Appreciation Challenge. You don't have to eat laundry detergent, Taser yourself or dance in public. You don't even have to leave your chair. 

Here's the Appreciation challenge: Look around the room and pick one item. Now think of all the ways you appreciate that item. 

When you limit your scope, it forces you to get creative. Dig deeper. Also, the more time you spend appreciating what you have, the less time you have to spend getting sad & angry about all the stuff you don't have.  

As I type this, I'm drinking a cup of tea.

I appreciate the first person who discovered that hot grass water was tasty and safe to drink.

I appreciate the peppermint aroma of my tea.

I appreciate the warm mug against my skin.

I appreciate that my tea bag is biodegradable.

I appreciate the spoon I use to stir my tea. It's more effective than my finger. 

I appreciate the bees who produced the honey in my tea.

I appreciate the bee keepers who harvested that honey. 

I appreciate that I get 20 tea bags for about $3.

I appreciate how many thousands of miles the tea traveled to make it to me.

I appreciate that someone figured out how to remove the caffeine from my nighttime tea. 

I appreciate anybody who reads to the end.

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

Rethinking What Should I Do

What should I do? 

Angry. Sad. Anxious. Self loathing. People want to know what to do about their situation. They ask me all the time. What should I do? 

The answer is four simple words. 

Before we get to that, ask yourself this question.

What kind of person do you really, truly, deeply want to be? 

Confident? Decisive? Assertive? Comfortable in your own skin? Flexible? 

Now that you have your answer, think about this...

Name a time in your life when you were the thing you want to be.

No matter how small or insignificant, no matter how much you downplay it, there is at least one moment in your life when you were exactly what you want to be right now. 

What should you do? Four simple words.

Be yourself more often.

You already are everything you want to be. Remember how good it felt that time you were confident, assertive, decisive? You like yourself when you are that way. Choose to be yourself more often.  

People say all the time they want to change. They don't change, because change is scary. 

The good news is you don't have to change. 

You already are everything you want to be. 

Be yourself more often.

For information about individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethinking Help

I’ve been a licensed professional counselor for almost 20 years. Regardless of their background or trauma, do you know the biggest challenge most people face? Taking the first step. Asking for help. 

We all want to be tough. We’re rugged, American cowboys blazing trails of independence. If we ask for help, we’re soft. Weak. Sissies. Instead of admitting we need help, we’d rather be strong and suffer.

Instead of doing what we know is best for us, we do nothing because we're afraid of what others will think of us.   

The world is full of angry, sad, anxious people. Toxic relationships. Zero self esteem. Defective coping skills. Help is available if you want it. 

The key to life is to be able to rethink your situation. I want to illustrate that by helping you rethink asking for help. Whether you realize it or not, you ask for help dozens of times a day. 

You don’t grow your own fruits and veggies? Good thing the grocery store is there to help you eat right. Let's not even talk about slaughtering your own cows and chickens.  

No gym in your basement? Luckily, there’s one on every corner to help you stay in shape. And a personal trainer to help you stay motivated. 

You can’t tow your own car when you get a flat, so you ask the tow truck for help getting to a mechanic who helps you with a new tire, because that’s one more thing you can’t do by yourself. 

Don’t feel like making dinner? Better ask a restaurant to help with that. And because you don’t want to leave the house, a dozen delivery services are ready to help bring it right to your door.

The accountant helps you do your taxes. The investment pro helps with your IRA. How many medical professionals in your life have helped you with everything from braces to broken bones? 

The fact is you ask for help all the time because you know you don’t have all the answers and can’t do everything by yourself. Your mental health should be no different. 

If you are struggling emotionally...mentally...and need help, ask for help.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Positive Thinkers

Positive thinkers elicit a surprising amount of negative energy. Some people get downright angry at their upbeat counterparts. Unfortunately, positive thinkers are woefully misunderstood. Let's tackle 5 common misconceptions about those sunny souls with a knack for turning lemons into lemonade.

Myth 1: Positive thinkers are happy all the time.
Reality: Everybody gets sad, angry, frustrated. Everybody. The difference is how long you choose to be sad, angry, or frustrated before you choose to move on. Positive thinkers don't linger. They learn the lesson, find the meaning and sail on to smoother waters.

Myth 2: Positive thinkers deny that negativity exists in the world.
Reality: Positive thinkers recognize that some people are bad and some situations are horrible. The are not naive or oblivious. The difference is their ability to see the rest of the picture. Positive thinkers stand at the buffet and say, "There's some food I don't like, but there's a lot of food I do like, so I won't go hungry." Then they fill their plates with the food they do like. 

Myth 3: Positive thinkers enjoy suffering.
Reality: Every person faces tragedy. Positive thinkers don't throw ticker tape parades to celebrate their trauma. When bad things happen, positive thinkers get sad, angry, frustrated (see myth 1). Positive thinkers can say, "Life isn't perfect and I've suffered, but I will find a meaning in it." They might appreciate their setback or the challenge, but they certainly aren't reveling in their misfortune.  

Myth 4: Some people are born that way.
Reality: Everyone is born bright eyed and bushy tailed. Somewhere along the way we are taught that life is miserable and people will take advantage of our kindness. Anyone can reclaim their positive leanings. Seeing the world through optimistic eyes is a skill. Like any skill, the more you do it the better you get. Also, it's not like riding a bike. You can forget how to think positively, so it's important to practice daily.  

Myth 5: I'm not negative, I'm realistic.
Reality: The battle cry of the Negative Nelly. Negativity might be their reality, but not everyone shares the same reality. Three people can look at the same situation, come to three different conclusions, and they can all be right. The world is open to interpretation. Being negative is realistic. Being positive is also realistic. The choice is yours.

Long story short, everybody can learn to be a positive thinker. I am positive of that.

For information on individual therapy, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com