rethinking men's issues #14

It's too early.

It's too late.

It's too hot.

It's too cold.

It might rain. 

It's a full moon.

It's the day before the day before black Friday.

I might look stupid.

I might not be perfect.

Men, we are really good at making excuses.

We can always think of a million reasons not to do something. 

But what if we used our power for good?

Generate reasons to do something. 

It might be fun.

It's a new experience. 

I could meet someone new. 

I could run into someone I know.

This could lead to other opportunities. 

Every time you hit the fork in the road, ask yourself what kind of person you want to be.

Do you want to be the person that lets excuses hold you back?

Do you want to be the person who lives the life they want to live?

What kind of person do you want to be?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #13

The world cup and mental health? 

Yes, I'm going there. Soccer lends itself so easily to what is the most important characteristic for good mental health.

I'm a lifelong soccer player, AND I understand why people think it's boring. 

Kick the ball. Chase the ball. Roll on the ground clutching your ankle like you've been tramped by an elephant in golf shoes.

If you watch soccer expecting highlight moves every 6 seconds and a tidal wave of scoring, you will be disappointed. Kind of like life. 

The game becomes more fascinating and enjoyable when you appreciate what the players are doing. Again, kind of like life.  

APPRECIATION: the most important characteristic for good mental health.

Feet are the body part we use the most and think about the least. 

We consciously ask nothing of them. Left right left right. Don't trip over each other. That is muscle memory, not a request. 

A soccer player's ultimate weapon is their feet. 

Accurately kicking a ball 30 to 40 yards is routine. That's farther than most people can throw a ball regardless of how close they get to the target. If an NFL quarterback accurately completes a 40-yard pass, we put him on cereal boxes.  

Soccer players can kick the ball 50 to 60 miles an hour, as fast as you drive your car. Believe me when I tell you taking a soccer ball off the thigh at 50 MPH leaves a bruise. 

They are dribbling through traffic with their feet, kind of like an NBA point guard, if the point guard couldn't use their hands. 

But they never score!!! 90 minutes and maybe a goal.  

In most areas of life, we appreciate something more when we have less of it.  

When you think about it that way, 1-0 doesn't look so bad after all. 

I don't expect you to pick a favorite team and paint a flag on your face. Truth is, you don't have to like something to appreciate it. But if you want to understand what the rest of the world loves about soccer, appreciation is a good place to start. 

Kind of like life.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #12

Men, we have established that if your inside doesn't match your outside, you are screwed. Emotions overflow. You fall apart. Bad things happen. 

Your inside always wins.

No matter how hard you try to ignore it, your inside always comes out, at the worst time and in the worst way.

How can we bring these two mortal rivals into alignment? Make them see eye to eye? 

The answer is simple AND something men struggle to do. 

Be nice to yourself. 

Don't leave. Let me explain. 

Think back to the example from my previous post. You're angry at work, but you hold it in...until you get home and explode on whoever you live with.

You're calm on the outside, but the inside is all the angry thoughts.

They're taking advantage of me.

This idiot needs to know how stupid they are. 

I feel week and I look soft. 

What if you told yourself something more complimentary and supportive?

I handled that well. 

I avoided another meeting in my boss's office.

That was impressive. I'm pretty good at my job.

This staying calm thing actually feels better than getting angry.

Stop sabotaging your own success with the thoughts of revenge and anger.

If you are doing well, acknowledge it.

Tell yourself all the nice things you wish others would tell you.

Let the inside match the outside.

Be nice to yourself. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #11

Men, I know where a lot of you lose it every day.

Your inside doesn't match your outside. 

You work so hard to keep it contained, but the inside always wins. 

It always comes out, usually at the worst times and in the worst ways.

Here's an example. 

Your annoying boss/incompetent co-worker/idiot customer does something stupid to piss you all the way off.

You can't blow up at work because you need your job.

You keep your cool on the outside.

Yes sir...no ma'am...we can just...I understand...not a problem...happens all the time...

On the inside you are a volcano of anger, bubbling to tell the idiot exactly how stupid they are. 

The inside doesn't match the outside.

You go home. Your spouse/kids/roommate says something, and before you know it you are exploding on someone who didn't cause and doesn't deserve your anger. 

The inside doesn't match the outside. 

Staying calm on the outside and raging on the inside is like washing and waxing your car every week but never changing the oil. Inevitably, that engine is going to blow up somewhere on the interstate about 100 miles from the nearest mechanic. 

It doesn't matter how much time and energy you spend keeping it all locked up.

If the inside doesn't match the outside, you are screwed.

Because the inside always wins.

Come back next week and we'll talk about how to bring those two into alignment. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #10

Be a man.

 

Be manly. Do manly things.

That's the goal so many men are shooting for.

We have this image of ourselves as the independent cowboy blazing trails of testosterone across the plains.

Nothing could be further from the truth. 

In reality, we do what we do in the name of manhood based on the centuries of men who came before us.

Are you the first man in history who thinks it's manly to drink a beer? 

Or bench press 250 pounds?

Or never show fear?

Never admit defeat? 

Never ask for help?

Every day, men make decisions they know are mentally, physically and emotionally harmful to themselves, all because I'm a man and that's what men do!

Luckily, there's a simple solution.

YOU GET TO DEFINE WHAT MANHOOD MEANS TO YOU!!!

Stop taking your manhood cues from pirates, gangsters and cowboys who lived by different rules in different eras. 

Be your own man. 

Do what makes sense to you.

Do what feels right for you.

Isn't that what a real man would do?

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #9

Men, you always find what you are looking for.

Even if you are looking at yourself.

Imagine you are at the gym, lifting weights.

Surrounded by younger, stronger people lifting weights.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? 

1. This is embarrassing. I can't compete with these muscle heads.

2. I am so lame. I used to lift twice this much.

3. I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm still pretty good for my age.

4. I might not look different, but I feel better. 

5. Anything I'm doing at the gym is better than sitting on my couch watching a screen. 

Which one of these guys makes you feel better about yourself?

Which one of these guys do you want to be? 

Next time you look in the mirror, remember this: you always find what you are looking for.

Even when you are looking at yourself. 

 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #8

my friend and i were sitting at the counter of a diner, waiting for breakfast, lamenting the lack of admirable people in the world.

news fatigue is real.

our phones are constantly force feeding us a steady diet of doomsday prophecies and immorality.

here's a headline you will never see: celebrity X paid their taxes in full AND on time.

where are the good people?

is anyone worthy of our admiration?

then the waitress brought our food.

a breakfast burrito and a breakfast sandwich, both with home fries and bottomless coffee.

side note: diner food is one of the great cuisines of the world, and that is a hill i will die on.

and there it was.

the friendly wait staff was working their asses off on a saturday morning for our comfort.

the flattop wizard in the back made sure our eggs were cheesy and the potatoes were seasoned.

the lobby was packed with patient diners waiting to support a deserving local business.

and before we knew it, with no help from our phones or social media, we were surrounded by people worthy of our admiration.

because you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #7

men, mental health isn't math. 

one plus one doesn't always equal two.

when it comes to thoughts and emotions, there are very few absolutes.

this is one of them.

you always find what you are looking for.

whether you are looking at someone, something, or yourself, you always find what you are looking for.

consider this: your team lost by 4 points. what are you looking for?

a. the coach sucks. the GM sucks. this team sucks. season over!

b. could the referees be any worse? not a single call went our way.

c. the other team was better. with a few lucky bounces, we could have pulled this one out.

d. i didn't go hungry. hot dogs always taste better at the park/stadium/fairway...

e. who cares about wins and losses? I spent the day with my friend/kid/dad/spouse...

f. i'm just here for the bobbleheads!!!

every one of these statements can be true. which one do you want to be true for you?

if you want to find a reason to be angry that a group of strangers lost a game, you can absolutely find a reason to be angry at the group of strangers.

if being angry at the group of strangers playing a game doesn't sound appealing to you, then look for another takeaway. 

think of it as an emotional souvenir, one that won't collect dust in your basement for the next 20 years.

win or lose, you always find what you are looking for.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

  

rethinking men's issues #6

Men, if we're being honest, a big chunk of therapy is telling you stuff you already know.

Helping you develop the courage to believe what you are thinking.

Encouraging you to trust your judgement.

I say all that to say this.

You know ignoring your emotions and trauma and pain is destroying you.

This is not new information.

You know you are spending too much time and energy running from what is in your own head.

Keeping your emotions suppressed is like running a marathon while carrying two bowling balls.

It saps your energy and beats you down.

It clouds your judgement. 

It prevents you from performing your best.

You know you can't run from yourself forever. 

Therapy is your opportunity to unpack all the stuff you have been lugging around for far too long. 

Give yourself some physical, mental and emotional relief.

It's time to lighten your load.

But you know that. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #5

A lot of men are skeptical of therapy. Reluctant. Afraid.

Men, let me tell you what therapy really is.

Therapy is practice. Real world is game time.

You want to be more honest with yourself?

Work on anger management?

Reshape negative thinking?

Therapy is where you practice all of that.

Then when you get good at it, you put your new skills to use in the real world.

With your friends.

Or spouse.

Or at work.

Michael Jordan isn't the GOAT because he was good in practice.

He practiced.

The same skills.

Over and over.

Because when the game started...

when it mattered the most...

He wanted to be his best.

As the story goes, nobody outworked Michael Jordan in practice.  

Whether it's jumpers or honesty...

or anger management skills...

or negative thinking...

We have to practice to get better.

Therapy is practice. Real world is game time.







for information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #4

Empathy.

It's one of those words that has been shotgun blasted into the zeitgeist, but what does it really mean?

Men, let's simplify empathy. Strip it to the studs. 

Empathy is listening to another person for the sole purpose of understanding them. 

Empathy equals understanding.

Empathy is not about agreeing with someone.

It is acceptable to say "I don't agree, but I understand."

Empathy is not about right and wrong. It's not a contest.

Empathy is not about fixing something.

Not every problem can be solved with duct tape. 

Empathy is your willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Walk a mile in them.

And say "Wow! That's what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes."

You aren't criticizing their choice of footwear.

Or suggesting a better, more efficient path.

Or bragging that you could have walked it faster.

You are simply trying to understand where they have been, where they are and where they want to go.

Empathy equals understanding. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #3

The situation with women's hockey has me thinking a lot about men and empathy.

Specifically, men and their lack of empathy.

The women's Olympic hockey team just concluded one of the most dominant performances in the history of sports.

Not just hockey.

Not just women's hockey.

Sports. Period.

They played seven games against the best teams in the world.

They averaged almost 5 goals a game. 

They allowed two total goals in seven victories. TWO GOALS!!!

If an NHL goalie allows 2 goals per game, he's an all-star and an MVP candidate.

The women allowed 1 goal every 3.5 games.

And what do they get for their effort?

Men's hockey, come to the White House, and I guess your annoying little sister can tag along.

Ha ha he he. It's just a joke, girls. Relax.

If men had been so deliberately insulted, they would have stormed the capital wearing their Wayne Gretzky jerseys.

Because we're men. We don't tolerate that kind of disrespect.

I want to be crystal clear on one point.

I'm not defending women.

They just won a gold freaking medal in dominant fashion.

They don't need me for protection.

Men, this is about us.

We need to admit that we are the reason women are sick of us.

Our unwillingness to understand others is our shortcoming.

Our unwillingness to really listen to what our wives and sisters and mothers and daughters are telling us is our problem.  

We can no longer blame women because it was just a joke and you girls should lighten up.

Men, if I've said anything that offends you or rubs you the wrong way...

try smiling more.




for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #2

A client said he struggled with expressing "bad" emotions. 

He's not the first man to tell me this.

Sadness, fear and anxiety have the worst reputation.

Men think these emotions make them soft. 

Weak.

Vulnerable.

I encouraged my client to rethink his relationship with his emotions.

Because as long as he thinks they're bad, he'll do everything he can to avoid them.

And as "bad" as emotions are, his way of dealing with them is even worse.

In reality, emotions are the same as everything else in our lives.

They aren't good or bad. It all depends on how we use them.

If you drown your sadness in alcohol, the sadness is still neutral but your actions are harmful.

If you turn your sadness into music or a painting, the sadness is still neutral, but now you have created something beautiful.

Same emotion. Different response.

Men, please reconsider your relationship with your emotions.

They are as neutral as a hammer or a screwdriver.

What you do with them is up to you.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking men's issues #1

A client was surprised to learn that "men's issues" is a mental health category.

At least it is according to the website he used to find me.

While men do face unique social challenges, the category is not entirely accurate. 

What really is a "men's issue?"

What do men need to know about their mental health?

Those are questions I hope to answer this year.

Today, we build the foundation that everything else is built on.     

Men, you are just like everybody else.

You have the same emotional needs.

You want to be heard.

You want to be validated.

You want someone to say "that sucks, and your pain makes sense to me."

You know who else wants that? EVERYBODY!!!

If we are being entirely honest, "men's issues" is more than a little misleading.

You don't want to be heard and validated because you have a penis.

You want to be heard and validated because you think.

You feel. 

You struggle. 

You hurt. 

It doesn't matter what you drive, how much money you make, or what team you cheer for, the traditional social measures of manhood.

You deserve to be heard and validated because you are a person. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking the new year's resolution

It bothers me a lot that mental health and self care have become so intertwined with consumerism.

Our mental health is too valuable to cost so much.

If you are looking to do something for yourself in the new year that won't break the ban, I have the resolution for you.

This year, BE NICE TO YOURSELF FOR FREE!!!

Accept that you aren't, and don't have to be, perfect.

Recognize your effort regardless of the end result. Even in a loss, find the victories.

Give yourself all the compliments you wish others would give you.

Give yourself the pep talk that you give friends when they need a pick-me-up.

Stop comparing yourself to others!!!

Being nice to yourself is more than trips and hobbies and fine dining.

That stuff has its place, but what good are expensive toys and fancy meals if you are still riddled with insecurity and low self esteem? 

Be nice to yourself for free. 

Happy new year.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #10

Last time I posted, we talked about the underneath skills.

That is the stuff below the surface that shows the true you.

When a cook manages multiple pots and pans, they are multi tasking under pressure.

When things go wrong, a cook gets creative, resourceful and solves problems.

Why are the underneath skills so important? 

Because they give you the confidence to navigate life. 

When you focus on the surface, you convince yourself that you are only good in certain settings and situations. This limits what you think you can do.

Unless you are in the kitchen, when will you ever braise, fry or saute anything?

However, every day of your life you have the opportunity to be creative & resourceful,

calm under pressure, 

a decisive problem solver. 

We waste so much time trying to change.

You don't have to change anything.

You already are everything you want to be.

You just have to look for it.

Stop focusing on the surface.

You are more than a job title or familial relationship.

Find your underneath skills.

Discover the real you

and be that person more often.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking thanksgiving

a day that encourages us to focus on what we have???

we need thanksgiving every month.

every week.

every day.

please don't get wrapped up in semantics.

thanksgiving is not a high school english quiz.

give thanks.

be grateful.

be appreciative.

have gratitude. 

for the sake of your mental health, it's all the same. 

it's about finding the good stuff in your life.

take 30 seconds today to be happy with what you have.

happy with what you do.

happy with who you are.

have a happy thanksgiving.

every day.



for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #9

Last week I told you that too many people don't know who they are.

Can't recognize their strengths and positive qualities. 

Little to no self esteem.

People are good at seeing the surface.

I cook. I play video games. I have 3 kids. I'm a project manager. 

In order to really know yourself, 

and like yourself,

you have to go deeper.

You have to recognize and embrace your UNDERNEATH SKILLS. 

These are the strengths and positive qualities below the surface that show the real you.

Let's say you are a cook.

Of course you have knife skills.

You can saute, fry, braise.  

Now let's look at the underneath skills.

A cook prepares a meal so it all comes out together. Organized, with time management.

A cook manages multiple pots and pans at once. Multi tasker who can work under pressure.

When things don't go right, a cook finds a solution. Improvisational. Decisive. Problem solver. 

Missing the right ingredient? Find something close enough. Resourceful. Creative. Versatile. 

When you are in the kitchen, you are aren't just preparing food. 

You are the person you want to be.

If you spend even 30 seconds looking for it, I guarantee you will find that you are so much more than a hobby or profession or familial title. 

You always find what you are looking for, even if you are just looking at yourself. 

Look for your underneath skills

and find who you really are.

 

Next week I'll explain exactly why the underneath skills are so important. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #8

Tell me your strengths and positive qualities.

Believe it or not, this is the hardest question on my new client intake assessment.

I work primarily with teens and young adults.

They struggle to find anything good about themselves.

They can talk about their trauma.

Family chaos. 

Defective relationships.

Drug and alcohol use. 

They cannot tell me their strengths and positive qualities.

I even prompt them by saying "tell me who you are, not what you do."

Without direction, they would just rattle off a list of hobbies.

I play video games. I draw. I sing. I watch movies.

They know what they do. They do not know who they are.

It is extremely hard to feel good about yourself when you don't know who you are.

Self esteem is the foundation upon which all mental health sits.

All the skills in the world won't make a difference if you feel like you are never good enough. 

Caring about ourselves starts with our ability to identify and embrace our strengths and positive qualities.

Self esteem is not about what you do.

It is about who you are. 

Spend 30 seconds today thinking about who you are. 

Come back next week and I will illustrate exactly what that looks like.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

rethinking self esteem #7

here is one tip guaranteed to improve your self esteem. but don't take my word for it. 

take it from every professional sports team on the planet. 

and every college team.

and most high school teams. 

what are highly skilled athletes doing that apply to everyday folk like us?

they review their game film.

they take the time to review their performance. between plays. after the game. in the days leading up to the next game.

they look to fix what went wrong, but more importantly they look for what went right.

and they look at what they did to make it right.  

we have to review our game film because it's hard to see what we're doing when we are in the thick of the action,

whether it's one-on-one,

10 bodies running, jumping and colliding, 

or when we are emotionally overwhelmed. 

review your game film. 

find what you have done right.

because you always find what you're looking for.

even if you are only looking at yourself.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com