Knees and Empathy

Mr. Jack was a paratrooper during World War II. He helped liberate a concentration camp. I saw the pictures he personally took while standing in Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest. By the time I met him, he was 85, in a nursing home, struggling to dress himself.

As I watched him one morning laboring to put on his shoes and socks, I thought of myself. I play soccer, and the day after a game my knees and back don’t cooperate. It takes longer than normal, and a lot more grunting, to reach my feet.

I could see myself on his bed with Mr. Jack, struggling alongside him to get dressed...thankful that for me it’s one day a week...painfully aware that for Mr. Jack it’s every day he wakes up.

It was one of the seminal moments of my life. Without knowing it, Mr. Jack taught me empathy.

Empathy is the ability to find a piece of yourself in someone else.

This bears repeating because empathy is one of those words that gets tossed around so casually that it’s lost all meaning.

Empathy is the ability to find a piece of yourself in someone else.

When you find a piece of yourself in someone else, you connect to that person. It allows us to show others we care, not because we have to, but because we have even a modest bit of insight into their situation. It is not pity. It is understanding.    

Empathy is what keeps us from judging too quickly. It tempers our hostility. Empathy demands that we know ourselves and we make an effort to get to know others...to make a connection. Empathy separates us from the animals.

It is easy to connect to people just like you. Perhaps the most human act of all is to connect with someone with whom you have no obvious connection.

Can you see a piece of yourself in the mother struggling to control her kids in the grocery store? The refugee dropped into a new city with minimal grasp of the language? The old man taking too long to put on his shoes and socks because you have other tasks to get to?

Hero is another overworked word. Mr. Jack is the guy I think of when I think of the Greatest Generation. He did things I can only read about. He was a hero. I am not. But one morning every week, Mr. Jack and I are connected, if only at the knees.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

There are no good days!!!

There is no such thing as a good day.

That’s a happy thought. Makes you feel all warm inside.

On the bright side, there are no bad days either.  

This all-or-nothing mentality is one of the most common faulty thoughts we use to convince ourselves everything sucks. In reality, our days are filled with highs and lows. You don’t even need a therapist to tell you that. That’s life.

We need to remind ourselves of this when we start to think every single incident that occurs in a 24 hour period and every person we come into contact with exists for the sole purpose of making our lives absolutely 100% miserable.

You know those days that seem to fall apart before you even leave the house? Does the day get worse because it really gets worse? Or does it get worse because you’re already in a horrible mood, so you mope around looking for more reasons to be pissed off while closing your eyes from the sunlight?

There are scant few truths in life. One of them is “you find what you are looking for.”

If your day starts off miserable, change what you are looking for! If you can use your powers for the negative, laser focusing on every injustice thrown your way, you can do the same for the positives, searching for the rays of sunlight.

The next time it feels like the sky is going to collapse on you (it probably won’t), take a deep breath and remind yourself of the good things that happened throughout the day. You’ll be in a better mood when you get home, which means your spouse & kids will be happier to be around you...which means you’ll be happier. Circle of happiness.    

One final thought: don’t sit there passively waiting for the sunlight to shine on you. Go look for it. And if it’s not a sunny day, you can still dance in the rain.  

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

In addition to being an LPC, I also fancy myself a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

13 Reasons Why: The Rebuttal

“13 Reasons Why” is a Netflix series about a teenage girl who commits suicide. She leaves behind a set of audio cassettes explaining the 13 reasons she killed herself. I won’t rehash the pros and cons of the show. Instead, it inspired me to create my own list.  

13 reasons why I’m happy to be alive, in no particular order

1. My 2 children: Watching them grow up and listening to them laugh is the best part of every day.
2. My wife: I could not burden her with the struggle of raising our kids alone. Also, it took me a long time to find her. I'm not leaving her so soon.
3. Food: I am amazed and comforted by the variety of food in our world. I love to eat and could easily weigh 50 pounds more than I do.
4. My mom: She’s getting old. She needs my support.  
5. Camping: I don’t do it enough. Nothing makes me feel more alive than fresh air, the sounds of the forest, the diversity of nature, and eating food cooked over an open flame.
6. My brother and sister: They already know the pain of losing a sibling. I would never intentionally put them through that again.
7. Fantasy football: I would call it a guilty pleasure, but I gave up guilt long ago.
8. My religion: My people have faced persecution for centuries. I would feel like I am doing a disservice to all the men and women who fought to keep our faith alive when so many have tried to destroy it and us.
9. Investing: Managing my portfolio exposes me to facets of our society I otherwise would not know exist. Investing is my window to the world. It’s also a healthy reminder that there is still a place for dreamers and innovation.
10. Pizza: I already mentioned food, but I could eat pizza every day and never get tired of it. It deserves its own spot.
11. My friends: I have too many to name. For reasons I still don’t get, I am fortunate that so many good people choose to call me their friend.
12. Music: See #3. It’s food for my ears.
13. Me: There’s a lot left for me to do and see...and eat.

Some of my choices are cheats. Food and music are broad categories, and I could easily do separate lists for each. Have you ever had fresh mango? Have you ever closed your eyes and picked Stuart Copeland's drumming out of a Police song? Stop reading and go do that!

This type of list is actually a common tool used by therapists working with suicidal patients. It won’t solve the problem, but it plants a seed and lets them know that not all of life is doom and gloom.

Even if you are not suicidal, depressed or struggling in your life, make your own list. Maybe you will remember a long lost love. Hopefully some of your entries will surprise you.

The worst that can happen is you spent a few minutes focused on the stuff that makes you smile.

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.

Making pancakes is a 3-person job

He’s 18 so we’re going to start giving him some responsibility.

A mother said this during her son's parent/teacher conference. I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’s about 16 years late.

A parent can’t expect their child to become responsible simply because they reach an arbitrary chronological destination. You wouldn’t expect your kid to become an instant guitar wizard or ballerina. It takes time. Developing responsibility is the same.  

I have done plenty that my kids’ future therapists will hear about. There is one thing my wife and I have gotten right. We get our kids involved early and often.

My daughter is five. For as long as I remember, she has “helped” us in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter if it takes her five minutes to complete what I can do in 30 seconds. It doesn’t matter that her knife cuts are uneven and sloppy (she has her own set of nylon knives). What matters is that she is involved and learning her way around the kitchen. She is also learning responsibility.

Now that our son is 2 ½, making Sunday morning pancakes is a 3-person job. They pour. They stir. It takes a few extra seconds to manufacture jobs for them, but it’s less time than explaining that they’re too young and dealing with the tantrum.

When our kids ask to help, we make it happen. I can’t tell you how much laundry we have had to refold because our daughter wanted to help. Big deal. A few seconds now for a lifetime of responsibility is a fair trade.

The best part of all this is little kids naturally want to be involved. They want to do exactly what you are doing. They are practically begging you to give them chores. They have play kitchens, toy vacuums, kid size rakes, brooms and shovels.

Parents, strike while the iron is hot! Don’t wait until they’re old enough to argue with you, because that is exactly what they will do.

As for the student at the beginning, he is lazy. If he worked as hard in class as he does avoiding work, he’d be a top scholar. Sadly, very little has ever been expected of him. His bar is set low, and he is happily crawling under it.   

Maybe all of this early involvement will pay off. Maybe it won’t. That’s a chance I’m willing to take. And I am looking forward to the Sunday morning when making pancakes is only a 2-person job.    

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Let me know about it in the comment section.

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me.