Rethinking Compartmentalizing

Compartmentalizing. There seems to be a resurgence in this pseudo-clinical nonsense term. The idea doesn't entirely suck. As is the case with a lot of mental health, it's misunderstood and poorly used. 

Compartmentalizing is this idea that we can put our problems into little boxes and separate them from the rest of our lives. Take that home stress and pack it up so it doesn't interfere with work or school. 

There are times when you have to put your stress aside and power through life. You can't directly address everything as it happens. But here's what no one tells you about ignoring and avoiding your problems. 

First of all, compartmentalizing is just that: ignoring and avoiding your problems. It's a fancy term for a concept we already have multiple names for: minimizing, neglecting, hiding from, running from...    

Secondly, no matter what you call it, it's only a temporary fix that doesn't solve anything. It's covering the hole in your roof with a tarp. Eventually the water gets in and the damage will be exponentially worse because you have ignored it for so long.  

Compartmentalizing IS NOT a long term solution. You can't ignore the memories in your head forever. They always resurface, usually at the worst times, in the worst ways.  

Stop fooling yourself into thinking compartmentalizing is a permanent answer to your problem. Eventually you have to unpack those boxes. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

   

Rethinking Mental Health Days

Our dependence on mental health days is misguided and dangerous. 

The message is we can ignore our needs and run ourselves ragged because in one day we'll put out all the fires that we've been neglecting for weeks. 

How can any reasonable person think this is healthy or sustainable?  

Finding one day to "clear your head" and "reset" is unrealistic. You can't clean up weeks of mess in a few hours. 

We need to focus less on mental health days and more on mental health moments. 

You have to take care of yourself every day, multiple times a day. 

Engage in self care as often as you need to. Even if it's just for 2 minutes. If you're taking mental health moments, you won't need an entire day to try and undo all of your self neglect.   

It's frustrating that this is not front and center in the mental health conversation. Taking care of yourself is not, and never should be, reserved for special times when all the stars align and you find that ideal moment of solitude. 

Your mental health is also not a bone your employer throws you when they realize they haven't been feeding you properly.

Your mental health is the most important thing you have. If you are struggling mentally, every other part of your life suffers. This is not a secret.  

If you want to keep your mental health day, just know that it should be one tool in your kit, but not the only one. 

Take care of yourself, all day, every day, as often as you need to.   

Take your mental health moments. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Impossible

Nothing is impossible? That’s wrong.

There is an entire category of activity that is impossible to achieve.

So many people spend so much time running up a mountain that has no summit, wondering why they never reach happiness.

YOU CAN’T DO A NEGATIVE!!!

I hear it all the time.

I don’t want to be angry.

I’ll stop procrastinating.

I’m not that kind of person.

Trying to achieve a negative doesn’t help you do anything. It only helps you stop doing something. And if you don’t have something to replace what you are stopping, chances are you are going to fall back to your old unhealthy habits.

Think about it this way. If someone is trying to teach you to play guitar and they only tell you how not to position your fingers, what is your logical response? Right. Tell me how to do it!

You can't learn how to do something by doing nothing. 

You can't make progress doing nothing. 

You don’t want to be angry? What do you want to be?

You want to stop procrastinating? What do you want to start doing?

If you aren’t that kind of person, what kind of person are you?

It is impossible to achieve a negative.

Focus on what you want to do.

How you want to do it.

Who you want to be.  

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Meeting

It was late in the work day. 

He was enduring his third pointless, contentious meeting, clearly bothered by the tone and lack of productive material being generated. (If you ever don't want to accomplish something, schedule a meeting).

Despite being a senior team member, all of his ideas were quickly shot down. The group leader wasn't shy in showing they didn't have much use for anything he was saying. 

After too much time, the meeting was finally put out of its misery.

As he and a friend were walking out of the conference room, they said to him "That's a miserable way to end the day." 

To which he replied, "It's not the end of my day. It's just the end of that meeting."

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Self Care

I emphatically reject the notion that self care only happens in sacred spaces, at special times and with our essential possessions.   

Do you have 5 seconds to...

Compliment yourself? 

Take a deep breath? 

Stretch your legs?

Actually sip and savor whatever is in your mug?

All of this is self care. 

And it's free. 

You can do it anywhere, any time.

I'm sick of the materialistic dogma telling us self care requires piles of fancy gadgets. Self care is the leading cause of garage sales in America.  

Self care requires one thing: the willingness to take care of yourself.

If you can't find 5 seconds for self care, your problem is not lack of time and stuff. It's lack of trying. 

Stop thinking you have to wait to get home, or the gym, or the beach, to take care of yourself. And that it's hours or days away. Self care abstinence is not a noble endeavor. You aren't a martyr. Your suffering only hurts you. 

There is zero benefit or reason to delay taking care of yourself.

Make self care a normal part of your day, not some hallowed, time-sensitive celebration.  

Take care of yourself all day. 

Every day. 

Wherever you are. 

As many times as you need to. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Being Nice To Yourself

Be nice to yourself, even when other people aren't. 

People don't want to hear this. It's discouraging. We want, need, expect our parents, significant others, co-workers to acknowledge us and tell us how great we are. It's frustrating when we don't get it. 

Fortunately, this is also entirely empowering. 

Being nice to yourself means you get to focus on you. This eliminates the burden of worrying about others. If you aren't getting juice from a turnip, then stop squeezing. 

However you want to phrase it, focusing on yourself is essential to good mental health. 

1. It's the serenity prayer: accept what you can't change (acknowledgement from others), the courage to change the stuff you can (positive self talk), and the wisdom to know the difference.

2. Practitioners of mindfulness have spent centuries encouraging us to turn inward, to focus on ourselves. Why? Because happiness doesn't come from spending 10 minutes a day thinking about the jerks who aren't paying attention to how amazing you are.

3. Me Time. 

4. You want wonky technical jargon? It's internal versus external locus of control. 

5. Confidence is key.

There is nothing in your DNA that prohibits you from being your own cheerleader. You choose to focus on what others don't give you instead of focusing on what you can give yourself.  

You choose to focus on what others don't give you instead of focusing on what you can give yourself.

Here's the best part. Unlike the excessive material dependence of self care, being nice to yourself doesn't cost a penny and doesn't require anything that will eventually collect dust in your basement. 

Be nice to yourself, even when other people aren't. 

Especially when other people aren't. 

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Feeling Better About Yourself

Are you the person who finds every perceived flaw in your appearance? 

Do you hyper focus on your tiniest mistakes? And you even know the mistakes you'll make in the future?  

If so, you are in luck. You possess the one skill necessary to feel better about yourself. 

Attention to detail. 

Think about how miserable you feel when you highlight your less than perfect qualities. Lousy!

This makes total sense. If you think unhappy thoughts, you will be unhappy. 

If you think angry thoughts, you will be angry.

If you think anxious thoughts, you will be anxious.

It's TEA, thoughts/emotions/actions: thought determine emotions, emotions determine actions. Everything starts with our thoughts, even our self esteem. 

Think about how much better you will feel about yourself if you use your power for good and start to see the things you get right.  

You already do this for everyone you know. When a friend is down, you are there to pick them up. You see the countless reasons everybody else should be living their best life. If you can do it for them, you can do it for you. I reject any notion that genetics or DNA allows you to see the positives in someone else's life but not your own.  

You laser focus on the negatives to pick yourself apart. Use that same skill to piece yourself back together. 

Your attention to detail works both ways. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking The Platinum Rule

Treat people the way you want others to treat you. 

The golden rule. Good advice, but it's not enough. We need more. 

We need the platinum rule. 

Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

One of the great contradictions of human nature is we want validation, praise and recognition from everybody else. Meanwhile, we tell ourselves how how much we've sucked in the past, how much we suck right now and how much we'll suck in the future.

It is impossible to feel good about yourself when you are hyper focused on every perceived mistake you've ever made or will make. If you want to feel better about yourself, think better about yourself.  

To put the platinum rule another way, it's internal versus external validation. It feels good when others praise us, but it's not as powerful as when we compliment ourselves.

If you like, it's the same as happiness comes from within. Happiness from external sources is temporary. True happiness comes from being happy with yourself, and that comes from being nice to yourself. 

Third time's a charm? There are things you can control, such as what you tell yourself. There are things you can't control, like waiting for others to be nice to you. Focus on what you can control. 

The next time you are feeling down and there's nobody there to pick you up, do it yourself with the platinum rule.

Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking What We Tell Our Clients

Imagine asking for bakery recommendations because you want a cake, and these are the responses you get. 

I can bake a cake but I call it a flour mound.

I'm certified in making layered frosting yum yums.

Have you tried my Cakey Von Cakerton? It's like cake, but fancier. 

I've been making loop-a-dees for 15 years. It's not a traditional round cake. It's elliptical.

This is what the mental health field sounds like. 

Recently, a clinician posted in a social media group that they were looking for a therapist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Every therapist uses CBT. Helping someone identify and reshape negative thoughts is as fundamental to mental health as baking a cake is to a baker. 

The problem is many therapists don't call it that. In our drive to be unique and certified and cutting edge, we continuously repackage one of the bedrock concepts of our profession. We put a classic idea in a different box and sell it as something entirely new.

Imagine being the client trying to climb through this landslide of verbiage. It causes confusion in people who are already confused. That's why they are seeking help! Using a new activity or exercise doesn't create a new therapeutic approach any more than using a new frosting color makes a new type of cake.

Standard terminology isn't a bad thing that robs you of your identity. It's there for the benefit of our clients, to make their lives easier. We are here to simplify, not complicate. Clients should not have to learn a new language to understands what is in their head.   

Yes, we all take unique approaches to help our clients navigate their specific problems. We can use CBT in a way that fits our style, just as every baker puts their personal spin on cake.  

But they all bake cakes. 

I use CBT. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

       

Rethinking Fight, Flight, Freeze and ???

For decades, we had the primitive and limited fight or flight.  

Somewhere along the way, we added freeze. Not the most practical, but it did increase the menu by 33%.

Fighting, fleeing and freezing might serve us well in the short term. If we want to actually solve our problems, we need a fourth option. 

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Face it.

We have to face our problems. 

Think of the current messaging.

You can physically dominate the situation.

You can run away. 

You can stand still, frozen and trapped. 

Quite frankly, these all lead to more problems. 

No matter what is bothering you, at some point you have to face it and fix it. Otherwise, it will continue to be a problem that you are fighting, running from or too scared to deal with. 

I reject the notion that our behavioral responses are a product of lizard brains developed through millions of years of evolution. Fighting, flying, freezing and facing it are, quite simply, the most logical behavioral responses to any situation, regardless of your era, epoch or period.    

Sometimes you will choose to fight. 

Sometimes you will choose to fly.

Sometimes you will choose to freeze. 

Eventually, you have to choose to face it. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Be A Man

Never back down.
Don't ask for help.

Don't show emotions...
Except for anger.
Never admit you are wrong.
Be physically tough at all costs.

This is some of the garbage that comes to mind when I hear the term "be a man." History is littered with crimes against humanity perpetrated by macho men acting manly. Even if you have a healthy interpretation of being a man, none of it is gender specific.

Be honest.
Be helpful.
Be reliable.
Be hard working.
Protect and provide for your family.

These are reasonable expectations for everyone regardless of gender. 

We need to reject this toxic call for boys to act like men. If you want to teach your sons something: 

Teach your sons they can be sad.
They can be afraid.  

They can be wrong.

Teach your sons they are loved for who they are,
not for who you want them to be.
Teach your sons compassion for people who don’t look like them.
Or act like them.
Teach your sons there is more to life than running fast
jumping high
and punching hard.
Teach your sons that strength does not come from hurting others.
Strength comes from loving yourself.

Teach your son to reject the urge to be a man.

Teach your son to be a good person.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Mentally Healthy

Every day the national conversation about mental health gets louder. We talk about self care and coping skills, trauma and dysregulation, closure and compartmentalizing. Every expert has a system to help you get your life together.    

There is one critical detail no one talks about because no one wants to hear it. 

Being mentally healthy takes time. It takes effort. It is hard. It can be painful.

We are a shamelessly privileged society. We want everything and we want it now. We have access to every TV show and movie ever made, right in our pockets. If it doesn't load instantly, we are outraged! We expect same-day delivery for exotic fruits and spices grown in remote corners of the world. We think a pill can help us effortlessly shed pounds and years of trauma. 

Mental health is not like the speedy convenience of modern life. Mental health is like your physical health.

No pain, no gain.

Being mentally healthy is like every other skill you possess: the more you work at it, the better you get.

You cannot be mentally healthy until you confront what makes you unhealthy. 

You can't ignore your emotions. They always explode at the worst time and in the worst way.

If you continue to run from your problems, they will always catch up and bite you in the ass.

Being mentally healthy is not easy to achieve. Nothing worth doing ever is.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com   

Rethinking Self Care

Self care has become synonymous with spending money on hobbies to distract us from life's problems. 

This is nothing more than socially acceptable addiction. If someone says they rely on drugs and alcohol to manage their stress, we sound the alarm. If someone says they rely on cooking and exercise to mange their stress, we extol that as virtuous.

I say it's all avoidance. 

We have become dependent on external factors to manage our emotions. We need hobbies to take the edge off. Decompress. Get back to normal. A hobby is something you should want to do, not something you need to do. Otherwise, it's a chore, which explains why so many people have a basement full of expensive self care they no longer use.

Self care is important. Sometimes you have to take a break from your problems. But if you rely exclusively on your hobbies to get you through life, then you are trapped in a dangerous cycle: get stressed, self care, avoid problems, relax until the next stressor, repeat. 

Self care is not just what we do when we can find 5 free minutes after the kids go to bed. 

Self care is what we tell ourselves all day, every day, in the moment of stress and the fallout. 

Are you focused on the millions of ways life will fall apart? Or do you remind yourself that it's never as bad as you think it will be?

Are you fixated on how you'll fail or what you can do to address the problem? 

Are you focused on what you don't have or what you do have?  

If you effectively manage your stress in the moment, you won't be so dependent on your hobbies.

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

 

  

Rethinking Your Kids

Your kids don't talk to you, but they talk to me. Here's what they are saying.

My parents say I can talk to them about anything. When I try to talk to them, they tell me my problems aren't real, then they tell me about their problems. That's why I stopped talking to them. 

How can I learn to love myself if the people who are supposed to love me don't show me they love me? 

They tell me to grow up and act like an adult, then they tell me to shut up because I'm just a kid. I don't know what I am or what I should do.

They think love is buying me stuff but I just want to sit and have a normal conversation with them.  

I wish my mom/dad was my best friend, but it's not that way. 

They never listen to me. 

They don't accept me for who I am. They want me to be like them. 

They don't understand me. It's like they forgot they were ever a teenager. 

I never get any compliments, but they point out every little thing I do wrong.

They always assume I'm wrong and I'm the problem. I get blamed for everything. 

I know my parents love me, but it doesn't feel that way when they are yelling at me. 

I'm in a house full of people and I still feel lonely.

They never say thank you or good job.  

I broke down and cried, and they yelled at me to stop crying. Then they told me I didn't have anything to cry about. Now I don't show my emotions. I keep it all buried until I explode. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Who You Are

Think of your absolute favorite activity: biking, cooking, quiddich, soap carving, extreme ironing.

Now think about how you feel when you are engaged in that activity.

Free

Relaxed

Inspired

Creative

Confident

Uninhibited

Comfortable.

Who you are in that moment is your ideal self. It is who you want to be all the time. Stress and angst come from listening to everyone else tell you who you need to be and what you need to do.

Be a man.

Act your age.

That's not ladylike.

That's not how we do it in _____________.   

You might say who you are in that moment is the exception to the rule, then you make up a thousand excuses for why you can't be that way all the time. Being your best self is the goal. Being exactly who you want to be should be the rule, not the exception.

If you want to be happier, more confident, more relaxed, then think of a time when you were those things and know that you are those things. You don't have to change. You just have to be those things more often. 

If you want to feel better about yourself, think better about yourself.  

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Human Condition

 The human condition is a product of two directly conflicting forces.

1. We are born with the desire to be calm, happy (in general and with ourselves), confident, comfortable in our own skin, honest, appreciative, compassionate. 

2. Society has manufactured dozens of roadblocks to keep us from being the calm, happy confident people we really want to be.

To the first point, this is based on my own informal research. When I ask clients to describe their ideal self, these are the most frequent answers. No one says they want to be angrier and more anxious. They are sick of being angry and anxious. 

Now think of all the roadblocks we (society) have created that keep us from getting where we want to go. In modern parlance, we call these social constructs. 

Social norms

Racial norms

Gender norms

Age based norms

Family expectations

Cultural expectations.

Religious expectations

Work/professional expectations

Practically every facet of our life is screaming at us, telling us what to do and who to be. It's all based on what everyone else thinks we need to be doing. And most of it is in direct conflict with who we really, truly, deeply want to be. 

The goal in life is to block out all that noise and be ourselves. 

Being our true authentic selves is the only coping skill we need to live healthier lives.

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

Be yourself. 

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

 

Rethinking PCT and CBT

Person centered therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are arguably the two most important theories in the entire mental health field. 

They are two of the oldest, most established, most researched and most verified frameworks we have for helping our clients improve their lives. 

And they are the exact same thing. 

PCT is about helping someone challenge their negative self perceptions. They can explore the toxic thoughts holding them back from being their ideal selves. They learn to replace self defeating ideas with something more healthy and productive. I'm not as scared as I keep telling myself. I am more assertive than I realize. It is ok to put myself first and focus on my needs. 

Sound familiar? 

CBT is helping people identify and replace the negative thoughts they have about their external world. It's clearing out the gunk that keeps them from being happy. Maybe being late to work wasn't the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me. Strangers in the mall probably aren't talking about me. Now that I think about it, my childhood wasn't all doom and gloom.

PCT is CBT turned inward. 

Or, if you prefer, CBT is PCT turned outward.

We are either helping people develop the confidence to challenge their negative perceptions about themselves or...

We are helping people develop the confidence to challenge their negative perceptions about everything else. 

 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com