Rethinking the Four Coping Skill

A coping skill helps us directly address whoever or whatever is bothering us. Hobbies are not coping skills. Self care is not a coping skill. They are diversions and distractions. 

Hobbies and self care are important. Sometimes we need a break. However, when we are ready to confront our problems, there are only four coping skills that can help us effectively manage the moment.  

These are most effective when used in succession, each making the next one easier to achieve.       

1. Breathe. This is the equivalent of rebooting your system. It's a way to remind yourself that you need to start the coping process. It also makes it easier to move to the next step.  

2. Take control of your body. Take a deep breath and exhale. Did you notice your chest and shoulders? They automatically rise and relax with your breath. If you can take control of your body, you can take control of the situation. It's almost impossible to think straight (foreshadowing) when your hands are fists, your shoulders are trying to reach your ears, your stomach is in knots. A relaxed body helps clear your head so you can move to the next step. 

3. Rethink your situation (TEA: Thoughts/Emotions/Actions). Remember when I said think straight? This is classic cognitive behavioral. You can't change the past, can't change the people around you, can't control every variable in your environment. You can control your thoughts. You can rethink your situation. It's TEA. Thoughts determine Emotions. Emotions determine Actions. Angry thoughts make you angry. Sad thoughts make you sad. Calm thoughts make you calm. It's your choice.

After you have taken control of your body and mind, the glue that holds it all together is...

4. Tell yourself you did a good job. Good old fashioned positive reinforcement. It's the Ringo Starr of coping skills, unappreciated and overlooked but critical to completing the song. If you don't believe in what you are doing, you will resort back to your unhealthy ways. Make good decisions and feel good about those decisions. Your inside has to match your outside.   

If you're feeling one thing but showing another, it all falls apart. You get angry, but you put on the mask. You're going through the "right" motions on the outside but you're still angry on the inside. 

You don't show your anger in the moment. Instead, you take it home and blow up at someone who doesn't deserve it. That's because you didn't cope with anything! You just delayed the explosion because you didn't actually believe in what you were doing.  

You might think your hobby is a healthy coping skill. It's not. It helps you feel good while you avoid your problems. You eventually have to confront what is bothering you, or it will always bother you. Once the movie is over, the book is read, you are cooled off from the exercise, the thing that bothers you will still be bothering you.

When you are ready to face your fears...your demons...your obstacles...

Take a deep breath...

Relax your body...

Rethink your situation...

And feel good about what you're doing. 

The only four coping skills there are. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Coping Skills Versus Self Care

The term "coping skills" has been so distorted & watered down that it's lost all meaning. We need a clear vision as to what coping skills are and what they do. We need to understand the difference between a coping skill and self care. And we need to stop telling people self care is a coping skill. 

Self care IS NOT a coping skill. Our hobbies ARE NOT coping skills. They are distractions and diversions. For decades, mental health professionals have validated practically any legal activity as a coping skill: exercise, arts & crafts, writing, singing, dancing, playing video games, listening to music. Self care is important. Sometimes we need a break. However, self care and coping skills are entirely different animals. 

Here are four reasons self care is not a coping skill. 

1. A coping skill helps you in the moment of crisis. If you're at work and a customer or co-worker is driving you crazy, you can't clock out, go home to watch Netflix or run a few miles. Your hobbies do not help you in the moment, because... 

2. A coping skill helps you directly address what is bothering you. Hobbies take our minds off of our problems. It's what we do when we don't want to confront our emotions. We even tell ourselves that. I need to veg out. I need a break. That is the exact opposite of a coping skill. 

3. A coping skill helps you handle the same situation more effectively next time. You get sad, you watch tv. You get sad again, you watch more tv. If you keep getting mad/sad/nervous at the same situation, that's a clue your coping skill isn't helping you cope. It's helping you repeatedly avoid your problems. A coping skill is a SKILL, and the more you do it the better you get. We learn from our mistakes, we refine our techniques and we handle the next situation better than the last time.    

4. Coping skills are holistic and organic. They come from within. They require no trendy gadgets, memberships or a trip to your happy place. They are not addictive or able to be abused. If there is a licensed, certified professional who can help you overcome your coping skill, then it's not a coping skill. It's a problem. 

We have spent decades telling everyone that anything is a coping skill. We have essentially validated ignoring problems and emotions. 

And then when do we draw the line between what we think is a coping skill and what we fear is an addictive behavior? Playing video games is a healthy coping skill, unless you are doing it 2 hours a day? 4 hours? 10 hours?       

Self care is a distraction, a diversion, a commercial break from our problems. Coping skills are what we use to directly address what is bothering us. It's time we start to draw clear distinctions between the two.

Next week, I'll reveal the four coping skills. That's right. There are only four coping skills.

For more information about counseling or to schedule an appointment, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com