Rethinking "fake it until you make it"

I am sick of cliched nonsense getting passed off as credible mental health insight.

Fake it until you make it. This is total garbage AND it sets you up for disappointment.

Let's assume you are sad. Some well-intended soul tells you to fake it until you make it. You can put on a smile and pretend, but you know your inside doesn't match your outside. You can fool other people, but you can't fool yourself. You know you are lying to others and yourself.

You know what's worse than being sad? Lying to yourself about being happy because you know you are lying. Now you are sad AND you're disappointed with yourself for being fake.

You can't fake your way into success in any other endeavor, and mental health isn't any different. Don't believe me? Try faking your way to be an accountant...chef...auto mechanic...heart surgeon.

Faking it only gets you so far. Eventually you need the skills to take the next step and truly make it.

Stop faking it because you won't make it. Be honest with yourself. Find a mental health professional who can help you learn the skills necessary for real and genuine success.



If you are looking for a therapist with a common sense approach to mental health, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are mental health professional and want creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

Rethinking I Don't Know

I have a theory. Nine out of ten times when a client says "I don't know," they know.

You know what's bothering you.

You know where your angst & fear & anger is coming from.

You might not want to admit it, or acknowledge it, or say it out loud, because when the thought leaves your head & enters the world it becomes real.

But you know.

You have more answers than you realize.

You know what is bothering you. Give yourself credit for knowing you better than anybody else does.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com.

In defense of Carl Rogers

I remember learning about Carl Rogers in my master's program. We couldn't believe all you had to do was listen to a client. Where were the tricks? The techniques? Listening isn't doing something.

The longer I'm in this field, the more I realize Rogers got it right. We therapists might want more, but all our clients want is to know someone is listening to them and accepting them unconditionally. It's not even a client issue. It's what people want.  

We are all so eager to learn the latest modality and add initials to our business cards. When is the last time you went to a workshop dedicated to person centered therapy? Took a refresher course in one of the bedrock theories of our profession? 

Here's the crazy thing. Every theory, every modality, every technique you use contains elements of PCT. Every...single...one. But we treat it like an appetizer instead of the main course.

The next ceu workshop you go to, the speaker might spend a few minutes on active listening & empathy before moving on their shiny new therapy toy. And let's be honest: 9 times out of 10 they are selling you old cognitive behavioral therapy repackaged with new vocabulary. 

I am unapologetic about my reverence for Carl Rogers. You ask me what theories I use in my practice. I will tell you CBT and PCT. I get the feeling people expect more. But why do I need a mango splitter, banana slicer, apple corer, and butter spreader when I already have a good knife?   

PCT isn't sexy. It's not hip and trendy. You'll never get a crowd of people to sit for 7 hours learning about a theory older than they are. 

But it still works. 

Rogers got it right. 

If you would like creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethinking Change

The most common misconception people have about mental health is that they think they need to change. To be better, they have to do something different or be something different.

You don't have to change. You are already everything you want to be.

If you are ready to give yourself a positive, encouraging assessment, you will discover that at some point in your life, you have been brave...
adventurous...
assertive...
compassionate...
creative...
motivated...
confident...
emotionally aware...
sensitive...
caring...
appreciative...
calm...
genuine...
honest.

Whatever it is you want to be, you've been it before. You've done it. Maybe just once, but you still did it. And if you did it once, it's a part of you.

You don't have to change. You are already everything you want to be.

Be it more often.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking coping SKILLS

Typically, when we think of coping skills, we focus on coping; what can we do to navigate a stressful situation? What gets commonly overlooked is that coping skills are SKILLS.

A skill is something you can learn.

The more you work on your coping SKILLS, the better you get. Coping skills are like every other skill you have. The more you do it, the better you get.

The better you get, the more self confidence you develop. 

The more confident you feel, the more likely you are to apply these skills in different settings and situations.

For all of this to happen, you have to embrace the idea that coping skills are skills. You have to believe that breathing, body awareness and TEA (thoughts/Emotions/Actions) are things you can do.

Ideally, this is how coping skills work in real life.

Things fall apart at work. You go to your office and freak out/melt down for 30 minutes. Then you remember to take a breath, check your body and rethink the situation, and move on with your day.

Next time things go south, it only takes you 15 minutes to apply your coping skills. Then 5. Pretty soon, you are using these skills in the moment to avoid freaking out/melting down.

Now that you feel better about what you do, you are applying these skills beyond the work place: when your kids are stepping on your last nerve or when some doofus driver cuts you off without warning.

Yes, you have gotten better at coping in the work place. Yes, these situations are very different, but the skills you use are exactly the same.

Don't worry if you aren't perfect. Nobody is. Don't worry about setbacks. Even the best baseball players strike out. Don't worry if someone seems better at coping than you are. It's not a contest.

Focus on developing your skills. If you can do this, your skills will improve, and so will you.



For information on individual counseling sessions, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking What You Think Are Coping Skills

As you know by now, there are only 3 coping skills that will effectively help you manage your emotions in the moment.

1. Breathe.

2. Body awareness.

3. Rethink your situation with TEA: thoughts, emotions, actions.

There is a common misconception that any other activity can pass for a coping skill: running, cooking, writing, listening to music, shopping, exercise, etc... 

The major stumbling block for all of these is "in the moment." Consider this. 

At work, your boss is critical of your performance. You are stressed. How realistic is it for you to clock out, run a 5K or cook a meal or go shopping, go back and address your boss's concerns? Not very. At best, it's a diversion, a temporary break from addressing the situation.

Let's look at the other way this situation frequently plays out. 

Your boss gives you an earful. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

The next day, a co-worker gets on your bad side. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better.

The next day, a customer blasts you. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

Do you see a pattern? That's because your "coping skill" isn't teaching you how to manage your emotions. It's not helping you manage future stress. You are using your hobby as a way of actively avoiding your problem. What you think is a coping skill is really avoidance.

A healthy coping skill is something you can use in the moment. It is also a SKILL. Like any other skill you possess, the more you do it, the better you get. As you improve your breathing, your body awareness, your rethinking, these skills will help you effectively manage future stressful situations.

You can work your way up from a 5K to a marathon, but if it doesn't help you manage the moment, it's not a coping skill. 

Please don't think I am criticizing your hobbies. You need relief from stress. You need time to clear your head and remove yourself from toxic situations. These activities can serve a healthy function. Call them activities...hobbies...stress relievers. Please don't call them coping skills. Save that for...

Breathing.

Body Awareness.

Rethinking your situation with TEA.

For more information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com 

Rethinking Coping Skill

You are sad, angry, stressed, anxious, emotionally overwhelmed. What do you do? You might be surprised to know there are only 3 coping skills that enable you to successfully manage a stressful situation. Everything else you think is a coping skill is at best a diversion, at worst avoidance.

First, let's define coping skill. In it's most basic form, a coping skill is something we do to manage our emotional stress.

Let's add the missing piece. "In the moment."

A coping skill is something we do in the moment to manage our emotional stress.

"In the moment" is critical and, sadly, overlooked or left out entirely.

Running. Cooking. Shopping. Drinking. Listening to music. People think these activities are coping skills. For too long, the mental health profession has reinforced the notion that they are coping skills. Next week I'll explain exactly what is wrong with this. For now, let's look at the only 3 coping skills you need to manage those moments when you are emotionally compromised.

1. Breathe. Clients ask me all the time what they should do when they are stressed. Breathing is a thing to do! Think of it as resetting your system, the equivalent to restarting your computer when it's giving you problems. You're getting worked up? Take a deep breath and start over.     

2. Body awareness. Paying attention to your body is another thing to do. You can't take control of a situation until you take control of your body. Think of all the things your body does when you are emotionally charged. Fists clench. Shoulders shrug. Chest tightens. Face grimaces. It is impossible to think clearly when your body is doing things you don't want it to do. Take a breath and take inventory of your body. What's it doing and what do you need to do to regain control?

3. Rethink your situation. This is cognitive behavioral therapy in a nutshell. Every therapeutic model contains elements of CBT. No situation is good or bad. Our perception of that situation is what throws us into a panic. Remember TEA. Your Thoughts control your Emotions. Your Emotions control your Actions. Get your thoughts straight and everything else falls in line.

This isn't a linear checklist. However, if you want to develop body awareness, breathing is a great place to start. If you want to rethink your situation, it's going to be easier to do after you've taken that breath and gotten your body under control. It all works together.

Now you know the only 3 coping skills you need to effectively manage the moment. Next week, we will rethink everything else you think is a coping skill but really isn't.





For information on anger management and/or individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking all of mental health

Every self help book...

Every mental health theory/treatment modality/behavior management system...

The entire field of mental health therapy and counseling...

Whether you are at the end of your rope & struggling to get out of bed or you are angry all the time...

Whether you are constantly beating yourself up or you feel like everyone else is...

It can all be boiled down to one question.

Are you willing to look at your life differently?




For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation on your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking stress and lemons

Stress is untapped opportunity. Don't believe me? Let's look at it in another, more familiar, way.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Stress is lemons. Life is going to bomb you with bushels of lemons.

Fortunately, your opportunity is lemonade. Grab some sugar & start squeezing.

The next time you are stressed & thinking all is lost, you can fixate on the negatives...or you can look for the opportunity & find a way to make it happen.

Even if the opportunity never fully materializes, you can at least take pride in knowing you tried.

Watered down lemonade is still better than sucking lemons.

Rethink your life. Rethink your options. Rethink Therapy.



Are you angry? Struggling? Stressed? If you need help making lemonade, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want help upgrading your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking 2 types of people

Two runners with identical abilities run a marathon. They both pull up short at the exact same spot, unable to finish the race.

Runner A says, "I failed because I didn't finish."

Runner B says, "At least I tried."

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who fail and those who try.

Now ask yourself one question: Who do you want to be?




Do you want help rethinking your life? For information on individual counseling sessions, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want help with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Monday

Regular readers (thanks, Mom) know I believe in the power of rethinking your life. Today could be the ultimate test of everything I know and everything I am.

Let's rethink Monday.

We're a nation of Garfields. Monday sucks. It sucks so bad, it actually ruins 2 days of our week. You spend all day Sunday worrying about Monday, then you spend all day Monday talking about how much Monday sucks. Almost 30% of your life is spent hating an ancient Babylonian measure of time.

That's about to change. How?

Happy New Year!!!

At the end of every year, we talk about getting a fresh start, a clean slate, an opportunity to finally take control of life. I say don't wait for January 1.

Think of every Monday as a new year. You now have 52 clean slates. 52 fresh starts. 52 opportunities to take control of your life and make it what you want it to be.

Not convinced? Consider this. How do you feel when you think about Monday? Sluggish? Defeated? Hopeless? Don't want to get out of bed?

Now how do you feel when you think about your new year's resolutions? Upbeat? Hopeful? Optimistic? An extra bounce in your step?

Right. That's because your Thoughts determine your Emotions, and your emotions drive your Actions. TEA. It all starts with your thoughts. If you think Monday sucks, it probably will. But if you want it to be something better, make it something better.

Your new new year's resolution is to rethink Monday.

Don't stop there. Every day of your life you have an opportunity to wake up to a clean slate. You now have 365 new year's days. And if you don't accomplish what you wanted to today, don't worry. Tomorrow is a new year.

There you have it. Monday is no longer (cue dark creepy voice) the thing that you shall fear. It's a brand new year. If you are ambitious enough to take this approach to life, I offer one suggestion...go easy on the champagne.

Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Attention

He just wants attention.

Every time a co-worker disregards a student’s behavior because they “just want attention,” I want to scream OF COURSE THEY DO!!! Everybody wants attention. Teenagers are no different from us. Stop acting like they are some alternative breed of mammal living under a different set of rules.

As good as that outburst felt, a correction is in order. People don’t want attention. People need attention.

Needing attention is human nature. You are born with it. Hey Mom, look at me! Hey Dad, watch this!

It is how we learn that people appreciate us and our unique talents. It is how we learn to appreciate ourselves and our unique talents. In a perfect world, others fill your attention tank & throughout your life you are able to top it off yourself.

Paying attention to your child is a fundamental component of positive reinforcement and unconditional love. These are the building blocks of a healthy life. Carbon. Oxygen. Positive reinforcement. Unconditional love.

When a child doesn’t get enough attention, 1 of 2 things typically happen: they turn inward and hurt themselves because they have learned that no one cares, or they get angry and turn outward, forcing you to pay attention to them, often at the sacrifice of an innocent target.

It is a big red flag when students say they don’t care if they get good or bad attention, because bad attention is better than no attention. They tried getting good attention, and it wasn’t working. Now they are going to do whatever it takes to get the attention they need.

And guess what? This desire will never be solved through punitive measures. There are not enough suspension days in the calendar year to cure a student of their need for attention.

Needing attention is normal and healthy, not a crime or a behavior to be corrected.

The next time you think your student/client/offspring just “wants attention,” don’t question why they want it. Ask why you don’t want to give it to them. Then ask what else you think they’re willing to do to get it.

Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking life's downs and ups

Life has its ups and downs? I recently realized all these years we've been saying it backwards.

Life has its downs and ups.

Very often I imagine my clients think I'm more nagging high school English teacher than therapist. But our words are significant. The impact of what we tell ourselves cannot be overstated. If you don't believe me, consider these 2 statements.

I lost 60 pounds, but I should have lost more.

I should have lost more, but I lost 60 pounds.

The first statement is ups and downs. You end on a sour note. You are minimizing what is a significant accomplishment. It's demoralizing and leaves you in the ditch.

The second statement is downs and ups. Maybe you could have done more, but you still did something worth celebrating. You climbed the mountain. Next time you will climb a higher mountain, but for now enjoy the view.

Your words are powerful. With all due respect to gravity and compound interest, I believe the most powerful force in the universe is what you tell yourself. You can drag yourself into the ditch or you can climb the mountain.

Rethink your life.

Rethink your options.

Rethink life's downs and ups.




Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Grampa's Memorial

Someone bellowed, “Grampa always liked you best!!!”

Family members swore the first punch echoed through church like a gong. Soon after, fists were flying, Grandma was swinging her purse, the preacher morphed into Bruce Lee and someone knocked over Grampa’s urn. The lawyer cowered in the corner and never got to finish reading Grampa’s will.

As he sat in the pew laughing harder than he had in months, Tony thought to himself, “Now I understand my dad."

They were there to say goodbye to Tony’s grandfather, the man who raised Tony’s dad. When Tony saw his family in all their glory, for the first time in his life his father made sense. As he told me, “I was able to look at things differently.”

Before the ceremony, Tony saw his dad as angry, verbally abusive and not worth a drop of respect. Two weeks prior, he left home after an argument with no intention of returning.

Watching his uncles and other family members pummel each other in church, Tony saw firsthand the chaos and dysfunction that his father came from. These are the people his father grew up with. This is what he learned and knew to be normal.

This is what he perpetuated in his own home and recreated with Tony. 

As his laughter subsided and someone swept up Grampa, Tony shifted from anger to understanding. He thought he knew his father before, but he didn’t. Armed with this new information, he was willing to rethink what he previously believed to be the truth.

He was not making excuses for his father’s questionable parenting. Dad made mistakes, but at least now he made sense. Tony would not forget, but he could forgive. Tony was able to reshape his thoughts about his father, and his emotions and actions fell into place accordingly.

Thoughts...Emotions...Actions...TEA.

Bolstered by this new level of understanding about his dad, sympathy replaced anger.

Tony would go home and give their relationship another chance.





Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Nature Versus Nurture

It’s always been a two horse race: nature versus nurture.

This limited model of thinking does a great disservice to our clients. It sends a message that you are the way you are because of some combination of genetics and upbringing. It gives people a crutch, a reason to say, “I am who I am so don’t bother being more.” That is the opposite of empowering. If mental health professionals are to stay true to our mission of helping people lead fuller, happier lives, we need to give our clients a third option.

Nature versus Nurture versus New.

Yes, genetics play a part in who we are.

Yes, past experiences play a part in who we are.

However, if someone enters therapy thinking their fate is sealed because of their nature and their nurture, then counseling isn’t for them. For therapy and life to be successful, you have to believe you can control your situation and create the life you want.

You have to be willing to move beyond I was born that way...I’m just like my parents…It runs in my family…I will always be angry at them…You would be sad too if...

You have to believe something better is waiting for you. Something of your choosing. Something more than DNA and childhood. 

You have to believe in the new.

Nature versus nurture versus new.

My money is on the fresh legs.

Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at

bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason. Everybody says it. Everybody is right. Now here is what everybody leaves out.

The reason doesn’t come instantly. It can takes days, weeks, even years for you to make sense of life. When you face a big situation, you are busy being angry, sad, elated, etc… You are too clouded by emotion to start a scavenger hunt for reason. That’s how it should be. You deserve to be angry, sad, elated, etc… Take your time finding the reason. It will wait for you.

The reason is personal. Your life has to make sense to you as you see it through your eyes, not someone’s perception of what they think you are going through. Think of a mass tragedy like a natural disaster. There’s no way one event can mean the same thing for all people involved. Humans experience the same event in unique ways.

You have to want to find a reason. This takes work. It's hard. It can hurt. It’s not magically dropping from the sky. Simple as that.

You always find what you are looking for. If you think the reason is because you deserve to be punished, then you will find evidence to support that. If you think the reason leads you to a better life, then you will find evidence to shine a light on the path.

What trauma have you faced? Is it a ton of bricks holding you back? Is it a rocket waiting to launch you forward?

Rethink your life.

Rethink your options. 

Rethink your reason.



Do you need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com