Rethink the Dumb Things We Say, #2

If you have worked with kids of any age for even 5 minutes, you've heard this dumb thing.

They just want attention.

It's always said with a sneer. Of all the dumb things I hear, this one pisses me off the most. It is simultaneously 100% accurate and 100% misses the point. It's like having the food on your fork and it's so close to your mouth but you jab yourself in the eye instead.

Yes, kids want attention. Correction. Kids NEED attention. They need to be recognized and appreciated. When they are young, they beg for it. Hey Mom, look at me. Hey Dad, watch this. Positive reinforcement helps them develop confidence and grow into healthy, functioning adults.

We have turned wanting attention into a punishable offense. Acting up? Go to your room. In school suspension. Detention hall. How have we allowed our society to vilify the most basic of human needs?

When kids act up, they are begging for attention. A cry for help is not criminal intent!

Believe it or not, it gets worse. If a kid doesn't get positive attention, what will they do?

That's right. They will do whatever it takes to get any attention they can. Their behavior is predictable. We can always spot the trouble makers. We know they need healthy attention and we don't do anything about it. Instead, we create systems of punishment to "teach them responsibility," then we sit back and wait for them to fail.

Years ago, I learned what is as close to a one-size-fits-all intervention as there could be. The next time a kid is acting up, instead of lecturing them, say "I see you are struggling. Thanks for letting me know you need some help." It won't work every time, but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Stop the lectures. Stop the punishments. Give kids the attention they need.



For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink the dumb things we say, #1

We say dumb things...all the time.

We don't say dumb things because we are malicious. We have good intentions and poor execution.

This is the first post in a series about the dumb things we say. Whenever possible, I'll provide an alternative. I'll start with the granddaddy of all dumb things. It feels like it's been around the longest & gets the most use.

It will be ok.

We say things will be ok. We hope things will be ok. The problem is we can't guarantee anything will be ok. In fact, the person we are reassuring probably recognizes the statement as a promise we cannot fulfill. They've heard it dozens of times and there they are, still breaking down, still needing help.

Very often, they are thinking, "Nothing in my life has ever been ok. What makes you think it will be ok now?" Our effort to comfort them only agitates them.

When I hear "it will be ok," I hear a passive, defeated attitude. Nothing magically gets better in life. Things only change when we do the work. We can't simply sit around waiting for life to get better.

I never tell a client things will get better. Instead I tell them we'll keep working. I want them to know that we are in this together and it's going to take effort from both of us.

No, it won't be ok.

Yes, we will keep working on it, together.




For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative consultation on your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com