Rethinking Ruts

The good news is you aren't stuck in a rut.

The bad news is you are stuck in dozens of little ruts.

The good news is that's not bad news at all. That's good news. Great news.

If you think of life as one giant rut, you feel overwhelmed. Helpless. You are in an emotional Mariana Trench. How do you climb out of that?

When you think of your life as dozens of small ruts, that's workable. You can make sense of it. The proof is in your bathroom.

Every day you brush your teeth in the same pattern. When you shower, you wash your body the same way. You dry off the same way. You comb your hair the same way.  You are stuck in ruts you don't even recognize. Your brain is comfortable with the ruts. 

To climb out of the ruts, you have to train yourself 1) to look for the ruts and 2) to look for ways out of the ruts. Now that it's on your radar, next time you brush your teeth make a conscious effort to change up your routine.

Yes, this is low hanging fruit, but you always start off small. Baby steps. Walk before you run. Get comfortable with the idea of shaking things up.

If you are overwhelmed at the thought of climbing out of dozens of small ruts, think of it as exercise. Every time you climb out of one rut, you get stronger. Climbing out of the next rut is a little bit easier. The more you climb, the stronger you get.

As you get stronger, you start to look for other ruts. You park in the same spot at work every day. Drink from the same coffee mug. Sit in the same chair for your monthly staff meeting. Sit in the same spot in the break room for lunch.

Look for the ruts and start climbing. 

And the next time you're in the bathroom, think of me.




If you are interested in individual therapy, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are interested in creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Thanksgiving

Family. Friends. Our pets. Our home. Our phone?!?!?!

We all know the usual Thanksgiving suspects and the stuff we are all thankful for. This year, add one thing to the list. It's the most unappreciated and overlooked thing in your life.

This Thanksgiving, give thanks for you.

That's right. Give thanks for you. It's not selfish or arrogant. It's healthy and much deserved.

Maybe you are thankful that you've been at your current job longer than any other. You're doing something right.

Be thankful that your hands can knit, or play piano, or whatever amazing thing your hands can do.

Be thankful that your knees allow you to run or bike or get on the floor to play with your kids. Or better yet, that they allow you to get up off the floor.

Be thankful that there are people in your life who enjoy your company and appreciate having you around. That's a testament to your personality and how you treat others.

Be thankful that you can still fit into your favorite shirt you got 15 years ago. You worked hard to keep that shape.

Be thankful for all the little things you do throughout the day to keep going. Those things don't just happen. You make it happen. Take the credit for it.

Be nice to yourself. Be good to yourself. Give thanks for you.

As for me, I'm thankful for everybody who read this far :)

Happy Thanksgiving.



For information on getting rid of any turkey & cranberry sauce leftovers, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink the dumb things we say, #3

It's one thing to give bad advice. It takes it to a new level when your bad advice sets someone up for certain failure.

Just ignore them.

I hear staff say it to students. I hear parents say it to their kids. It drives me crazy every time. I will say this as politely as I can.

YOU CANNOT IGNORE SOMETHING THAT IS IN YOUR HEAD!!!

Once the person, place, thing or situation that is bothering you gets in your head, you are miles past the ignoring stage. Ignoring is an impossible task. 

If you don't believe me, consider this. Someone named Jimmy is bothering you. Your friend says "Just ignore Jimmy." Can you really ignore the person you are talking about...who you are thinking about...whose name is ringing in your ears? It's impossible because you are thinking about ignoring them. Thinking about something is the exact opposite of ignoring.

What typically passes for ignoring is really just separating yourself from the annoying thing while continuing to brood over whatever upset you in the first place. Physical separation is not ignoring.

You still don't believe me. Try this. Ignore the purple elephant.

Ignoring has never worked and never will. Please stop telling people to ignore their problems. No one ever solved a problem by ignoring it.

We have to face our problems. We have to learn the cognitive skills to rethink a situation. We have to be able to look at life differently in order to achieve different results.

That's a fact we simply cannot ignore.



For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink the Dumb Things We Say, #2

If you have worked with kids of any age for even 5 minutes, you've heard this dumb thing.

They just want attention.

It's always said with a sneer. Of all the dumb things I hear, this one pisses me off the most. It is simultaneously 100% accurate and 100% misses the point. It's like having the food on your fork and it's so close to your mouth but you jab yourself in the eye instead.

Yes, kids want attention. Correction. Kids NEED attention. They need to be recognized and appreciated. When they are young, they beg for it. Hey Mom, look at me. Hey Dad, watch this. Positive reinforcement helps them develop confidence and grow into healthy, functioning adults.

We have turned wanting attention into a punishable offense. Acting up? Go to your room. In school suspension. Detention hall. How have we allowed our society to vilify the most basic of human needs?

When kids act up, they are begging for attention. A cry for help is not criminal intent!

Believe it or not, it gets worse. If a kid doesn't get positive attention, what will they do?

That's right. They will do whatever it takes to get any attention they can. Their behavior is predictable. We can always spot the trouble makers. We know they need healthy attention and we don't do anything about it. Instead, we create systems of punishment to "teach them responsibility," then we sit back and wait for them to fail.

Years ago, I learned what is as close to a one-size-fits-all intervention as there could be. The next time a kid is acting up, instead of lecturing them, say "I see you are struggling. Thanks for letting me know you need some help." It won't work every time, but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Stop the lectures. Stop the punishments. Give kids the attention they need.



For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink the dumb things we say, #1

We say dumb things...all the time.

We don't say dumb things because we are malicious. We have good intentions and poor execution.

This is the first post in a series about the dumb things we say. Whenever possible, I'll provide an alternative. I'll start with the granddaddy of all dumb things. It feels like it's been around the longest & gets the most use.

It will be ok.

We say things will be ok. We hope things will be ok. The problem is we can't guarantee anything will be ok. In fact, the person we are reassuring probably recognizes the statement as a promise we cannot fulfill. They've heard it dozens of times and there they are, still breaking down, still needing help.

Very often, they are thinking, "Nothing in my life has ever been ok. What makes you think it will be ok now?" Our effort to comfort them only agitates them.

When I hear "it will be ok," I hear a passive, defeated attitude. Nothing magically gets better in life. Things only change when we do the work. We can't simply sit around waiting for life to get better.

I never tell a client things will get better. Instead I tell them we'll keep working. I want them to know that we are in this together and it's going to take effort from both of us.

No, it won't be ok.

Yes, we will keep working on it, together.




For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative consultation on your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does not exist. It bothers me that the mental health profession perpetuates the idea that our behavior is a disorder, abnormal, weird, inexplicable.

If you have faced significant trauma that you are struggling to make sense of, you don't have PTSD. You have PTS. Post Traumatic Stress. While we are at it, let's get rid of the Post because so much trauma is ongoing & present. You have Traumatic Stress Response.

For every traumatic situation, there is a wide range of understandable responses. How you respond to your trauma depends on dozens of factors, including but not limited to: your trauma, when it happened, how old you were when it happened, where you were when it happened, and countless facets of your current situation.

I prefer understandable to normal because what might be normal for one person might not be normal for another. Normal is relative, not definitive. If a 5 year old and a 35 year old are bitten by a dog, their responses will be different. Neither is normal or abnormal, but simply different.

Understandable also implies there is an effort to understand your trauma response. Most "abnormal" human behavior becomes understandable if viewed in the context of one's life.

If I tell you a former student used to crawl on the classroom floor pretending to be a bug, you'd likely think that is abnormal. If I tell you he was a product of an abusive home & spent years in foster care, you get a better picture of how he came to see himself as something dirty and less than human. You start to understand his behavior.

We have to throw away the notion that our behavior is some random disorder completely detached from our past and who we are. Your Traumatic Stress Response makes sense. It comes from some place.

Stop thinking of your behavior as a disorder. 


For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation on your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink changing your life

Chad lost 37 pounds in 5 months. He started to exercise regularly. He learned to cook a chicken breast. To hear him tell his story, he hadn't done a thing because he was only looking at everything he had not yet done. He then said he wanted to see some change in his life.

If losing the weight equivalent of a 4 year old isn't change, then what is?

He doesn't see the dedication it takes to exercise every day.

Or the discipline it takes to wake up at 530am to take those walks.

Or the motivation it takes to maintain that discipline and dedication.

Or the wisdom to incorporate chicken and vegetables into a diet that previously consisted of pizza & junk food.

Chad's life was awash in the very change he wanted to see, and he wasn't even looking for it.

Most people are like Chad. They are doing far more in their life than they realize.

They downplay their accomplishments. Anybody can do that. I'm no big deal. Why do I deserve credit for doing something I should already be doing?

They want to see change in their life. They want to see some tangible evidence that they are making progress.

If you want to see change in your life, you have to change the way you see your life.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation on your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Selfish

I hear it from clients all day. I would rather help someone else than myself. I put others first. I don't do anything for me.

You should be more selfish. Put yourself first. Do for you.

Your world would be a better place if you were more selfish.

Imagine putting yourself first, taking care of your own needs in a healthy manner. If you did that, you'd be happier. You'd be emotionally stronger, more capable of dealing with stress. You would be more confident.

Being happy with yourself is helping others. When you are truly happy, you don't act in anger, greed, revenge. You don't gossip. You make better decisions. You are less inclined to do the stuff that muddies our collective waters. You make the world a better place by being selfish, not selfless.

The next reason is one you can use in the moment.

You're angry. You focus all your energy on the person who made you mad. That idiot ruins everything!!! Where does that get you? No place good. It only leads to more anger. You are focusing on the part of the conflict you cannot control...the other person.

Now be selfish. Focus on you. That's when you see your contributions to the conflict & the parts you can control. You can't do a thing to change their behavior, but you can change yours. That's progress. That's what selfish does.

One more.

What holds us back about 99% of the time from doing what we really want to do? We care about what others think. We are so worried that others will criticize & judge. We are trapped in fear and sadness. That wouldn't happen if you were selfish.

When you focus on their response, you hold back, then you hate yourself for holding back.

When you are selfish, your focus is on your effort. Focus on what you do & take pride in your accomplishments. And remember, there is no failure, only success and learning.

You want to learn to be happier?

Learn to be selfish.




For more information on anger management or individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For creative  consultation with your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Forgetting

We tell ourselves we're just going to forget it ever happened. We storm off in a rage, screaming about the very thing that we're forgetting.

You can tell yourself you're going to forget something. The truth is, if it is significant enough to cause that much stress, you can't forget and you won't forget. Honestly, it's to your benefit NOT to forget.

You might think you have forgotten something. A week later...a month later...a year later...it's going to pop up again, usually when you least expect it. That's how our brains work. The thought train gets rolling & we never know what route it's going to take. If your goal is to forget something, you are only setting yourself up for failure.

Your goal is to take the memory and do something constructive with it. Learn your lesson and move on. That's exactly why you don't want to forget.

Imagine how miserable life would be if you forgot that a red stove is hot. You would spend the rest of your life burning your hand on a hot stove. That doesn't happen because we remember the pain and we take steps to avoid it. Unfortunately, humans tend to learn lessons more easily from physical pain than from emotional pain.

If you look back on your life & the the same things keep happening over & over, there's a good chance everybody else is not to blame.

Stop trying to forget your pain. Do something productive with that memory.

Remember it.

Learn something from it.

Rethink it.




For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation on your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking "It is what it is"

It is what it is.

This is a popular sentiment, used by friends, clients and, sadly, co-workers.

It is also total garbage.

Total and complete garbage.

It is a passive, defeated mentality. It says you are willing to accept whatever comes your way because you don't have the energy or inclination to do anything about it.

Nothing is what it is. It is what you make it.

Your situation is what you make it.

Life is what you make it.

And if you can't change the situation, you can at least change how you view the situation and what it means to you and how you will use it.

In all honesty, if you believe life is what it is, then you aren't ready for therapy because you aren't ready to take control of your life.

If you believe life is what you make it, and you want to make something of yours, contact me. Let's make it something together.




If you are looking for a therapist with a common sense approach to mental health, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional in need of creative consultation for your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Positive Thinking

I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thinking. No matter the situation, there's something you can learn or some positive takeaway to lessen the impact.

Despite this, I understand that for some people, positive thinking is garbage. If they have faced unspeakable tragedy, the last thing they need or want is someone telling them to look on the bright side. That's insulting.

For years I struggled to reframe positive thinking without calling it positive thinking but still keeping the intention intact. Then one day, a client talked about his best worst thing.

The best worst thing.

That's what I've been looking for. Trauma is ugly. I don't expect anyone to sugarcoat tragedy or celebrate hardships. But it is important to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. The best worst thing allows you to do that.

The worst thing acknowledges that what happened to you sucked. Calling it the best worst allows you to find meaning in the suck. It lets you say, "Yes, things were horrible, but I can still salvage something from the rubble."

For my client, the loss of a significant relationship was his worst. However, it was his best worst because it forced him to examine behaviors he knew were problematic but never fully admitted. If it was just the worst, he would still be wallowing in despair. Instead, he made it the best worst because he was determined to turn it into a useful experience.

Without that loss, it's likely he would continue on with life making the same mistakes.

If positive thinking doesn't fit your situation, I get it. Some experiences are so painful that it's hard to see a silver lining or squeeze the lemonade.

If that's where you are, then find your best worst thing.




For information on anger management and individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com