Rethink Respect: R.E.S.P.E.C.T is G.A.R.B.A.G.E.

Respect is overused and misunderstood. We have reduced a noble goal into a festering dung pile. Forget about respect. Aim for courtesy.   

I’ve spent a decade working with angry teenagers. If I had a nickel for every time I heard the “if you don’t respect me I won’t respect you” rant, I’d retire and sail the world on my own cruise ship.

If I had another nickel for every time the adult responded with the “you have to respect them as a person” speech, I’d fly to Jupiter on my gold plated rocket ship. What’s the best way to ensure a teenager won’t respect you? Lecture them about having to respect you.

I don’t normally do this, but Webster’s Dictionary defines respect as, “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”

In order to truly respect someone, you have to get to know them, identify something they have done AND admire them for having done so. That is hard to do within the first 2 minutes of just having met someone.

Do you know what you can do in the first 2 minutes of meeting someone? Be courteous.

Do you know what you can do if your paths cross for only a brief moment, never to see them again? Be courteous.

Do you know what you can do if you disagree with them? Be courteous.

Do you know what you can do if you think someone is a babbling moron? Be courteous.

Do you know what you can do if someone thinks you are a babbling moron? Be courteous. Kill them with kindness.

And if you are courteous enough long enough, you know what will happen?

You will earn their respect.

Need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethink Parenting: Is your kid Attila the Hun or Marco Polo?

A friend told me she still hasn’t adjusted to being a mom. This is a common refrain for parents with newborns, but my friend’s daughter is almost 3.  

When I asked what she struggles with the most, she said it’s the constant noise in her home. I suggested that instead of thinking of her daughter as an angry little invader plundering the village, think of her as a modern day Marco Polo, exploring and discovering her world. Kids learn by experimenting, trial and error. This is normal, essential for healthy development and frequently louder than we would like.

Now my friend isn’t getting frustrated trying to change her kid’s behavior. She is changing her perception of what is happening.

Noisy kids are like every other event in our life. The thing itself is not inherently upsetting; our thoughts on the event make us mad, sad, happy, frustrated, etc…

If you are a parent and all you hear is noise, you get angry and your goal is to stop the noise. This goes bad faster than unrefrigerated milk. Arguments. Power struggles. Fractured child-parent relationship. Stifling their natural curiosity and playfulness. All the things parents say they don’t want. It starts with your thoughts: WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD???

When you think of the noise as a normal part of play, then you hear your child entertaining themselves, exploring, solving problems, building the skills every parent wants their child to possess. It makes you happy to have a healthy creative child. Again, it starts with your thoughts.

I have little ones. I know it’s tough. No one said parenting would be easy or quiet. If you can reshape what you think about your kids, you will be happier, they will be happier and maybe years from now they won’t be telling a therapist about their rotten parents.

Need help rethinking a situation in your life? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on individual counseling, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

My primary goal as a therapist

I tell my clients my primary goal as a therapist is to help them see in themselves what I see in them.

I have worked with ages 6 to 60. I can say with absolute certainty that 100% of my clients are far more capable than they give themselves credit for. No exceptions. No asterisk.

I work with teenagers who fight me tooth & nail when I try to reflect back to them how much talent they have.

I work with successful business people who stare at me like I’m speaking Chinese when I highlight how much they have accomplished.

Just this week I met a young woman who plays five instruments and has done so on stage with orchestras. To hear her tell her story, her future is hopeless.

Here’s what she sees: she will never earn a living playing the violin, viola, or stand-up base.

Here’s what she missed: she had the courage to get on stage and share her talents to a potentially critical audience. She displayed a high level of teamwork, interacting with dozens of other musicians in a primarily non-verbal capacity. She spent countless hours working on her craft, developing her talents, committed to the process, doing something that made her happy.

These are skills every employer in the world would cherish in an employee. These are things most of us would love to be able to say about ourselves. And she didn’t see it.

There is no value in beating yourself up and denying that you have something to offer to society. It might be easier than looking deep and seeing your strengths, but easier is rarely better.  

Having confidence will not solve all your problems. It takes more than confidence to overcome trauma. But it does make everything easier. Confidence is the foundation upon which everything in mental health is built upon.     

Give yourself the credit you deserve. Give yourself a pat on the back.

See in yourself what I see in you.  

Do you have questions about a specific situation in your life? Topics you want addressed in future essays? Email me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

For information on individual counseling, please contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

I’m an LPC and a writer. If you are a mental health professional and need creative consultation for your professional literature, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com