Rethinking coping SKILLS

Typically, when we think of coping skills, we focus on coping; what can we do to navigate a stressful situation? What gets commonly overlooked is that coping skills are SKILLS.

A skill is something you can learn.

The more you work on your coping SKILLS, the better you get. Coping skills are like every other skill you have. The more you do it, the better you get.

The better you get, the more self confidence you develop. 

The more confident you feel, the more likely you are to apply these skills in different settings and situations.

For all of this to happen, you have to embrace the idea that coping skills are skills. You have to believe that breathing, body awareness and TEA (thoughts/Emotions/Actions) are things you can do.

Ideally, this is how coping skills work in real life.

Things fall apart at work. You go to your office and freak out/melt down for 30 minutes. Then you remember to take a breath, check your body and rethink the situation, and move on with your day.

Next time things go south, it only takes you 15 minutes to apply your coping skills. Then 5. Pretty soon, you are using these skills in the moment to avoid freaking out/melting down.

Now that you feel better about what you do, you are applying these skills beyond the work place: when your kids are stepping on your last nerve or when some doofus driver cuts you off without warning.

Yes, you have gotten better at coping in the work place. Yes, these situations are very different, but the skills you use are exactly the same.

Don't worry if you aren't perfect. Nobody is. Don't worry about setbacks. Even the best baseball players strike out. Don't worry if someone seems better at coping than you are. It's not a contest.

Focus on developing your skills. If you can do this, your skills will improve, and so will you.



For information on individual counseling sessions, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking What You Think Are Coping Skills

As you know by now, there are only 3 coping skills that will effectively help you manage your emotions in the moment.

1. Breathe.

2. Body awareness.

3. Rethink your situation with TEA: thoughts, emotions, actions.

There is a common misconception that any other activity can pass for a coping skill: running, cooking, writing, listening to music, shopping, exercise, etc... 

The major stumbling block for all of these is "in the moment." Consider this. 

At work, your boss is critical of your performance. You are stressed. How realistic is it for you to clock out, run a 5K or cook a meal or go shopping, go back and address your boss's concerns? Not very. At best, it's a diversion, a temporary break from addressing the situation.

Let's look at the other way this situation frequently plays out. 

Your boss gives you an earful. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

The next day, a co-worker gets on your bad side. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better.

The next day, a customer blasts you. You hold it in. You go home. You run. You feel better. 

Do you see a pattern? That's because your "coping skill" isn't teaching you how to manage your emotions. It's not helping you manage future stress. You are using your hobby as a way of actively avoiding your problem. What you think is a coping skill is really avoidance.

A healthy coping skill is something you can use in the moment. It is also a SKILL. Like any other skill you possess, the more you do it, the better you get. As you improve your breathing, your body awareness, your rethinking, these skills will help you effectively manage future stressful situations.

You can work your way up from a 5K to a marathon, but if it doesn't help you manage the moment, it's not a coping skill. 

Please don't think I am criticizing your hobbies. You need relief from stress. You need time to clear your head and remove yourself from toxic situations. These activities can serve a healthy function. Call them activities...hobbies...stress relievers. Please don't call them coping skills. Save that for...

Breathing.

Body Awareness.

Rethinking your situation with TEA.

For more information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

If you are a mental health professional and want creative consultation with your business literature or Psychology Today profile, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com