Rethinking Arrogance, Humility and Insecurity

Humility is a grossly misunderstood concept. 

People falsely assume humility is self criticism focused entirely on their flaws. Or treating themselves like trash keeps them from becoming arrogant. Both are tragic thinking flaws.    

How do we stay humble without sliding into full blown arrogance? Where does insecurity stop and humility start. How do we acknowledge our mistakes without drowning in the pit of self hate? 

Here is a cheat sheet that separates humility, insecurity and arrogance.

If something goes wrong...

The insecure person blames themselves entirely. They don't learn a lesson. They don't forgive themselves. 

The arrogant person blames everyone else because they are incapable of admitting their mistakes.

The humble person learns a lesson, forgives themselves and moves on with the knowledge to make it better next time.

The thread through all of this is confidence, or lack thereof. 

Insecurity is a lack of confidence. You can't do anything right. You have no positive qualities. When things fall apart, so will you.  

People mistake arrogance for confidence. In reality, arrogance is also a lack of confidence. The arrogant person lacks the strength to admit they messed up. Show me someone who is arrogant and I'll show you someone who is sad, afraid and extremely insecure. 

You don't become arrogant through confidence. You get there through insecurity.    

Humility takes confidence. You have to feel good about yourself to admit you're not perfect. Or that you tried and it didn't work out, but you're ok with it. 

Being self critical does not make you better or stronger or more confident. It makes you beaten and dejected. 

Confidence does not make you arrogant. It makes you humble. 

Have the confidence to be humble.

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking what's wrong with you

What's wrong with me? 

In order to fix themselves, everyone assumes that's the place to start.  

Your real problem is you never ask what is right with you. 

How can you expect to be happy or confident if all you do is focus on every tiny flaw? 

Instead of spending all your time trying to correct what is wrong, spend some time building on what is right.  

If you want to feel better about yourself, ask yourself one simple question.

What is right with me? 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Compartmentalizing

Compartmentalizing. There seems to be a resurgence in this pseudo-clinical nonsense term. The idea doesn't entirely suck. As is the case with a lot of mental health, it's misunderstood and poorly used. 

Compartmentalizing is this idea that we can put our problems into little boxes and separate them from the rest of our lives. Take that home stress and pack it up so it doesn't interfere with work or school. 

There are times when you have to put your stress aside and power through life. You can't directly address everything as it happens. But here's what no one tells you about ignoring and avoiding your problems. 

First of all, compartmentalizing is just that: ignoring and avoiding your problems. It's a fancy term for a concept we already have multiple names for: minimizing, neglecting, hiding from, running from...    

Secondly, no matter what you call it, it's only a temporary fix that doesn't solve anything. It's covering the hole in your roof with a tarp. Eventually the water gets in and the damage will be exponentially worse because you have ignored it for so long.  

Compartmentalizing IS NOT a long term solution. You can't ignore the memories in your head forever. They always resurface, usually at the worst times, in the worst ways.  

Stop fooling yourself into thinking compartmentalizing is a permanent answer to your problem. Eventually you have to unpack those boxes. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

   

Rethinking Mental Health Days

Our dependence on mental health days is misguided and dangerous. 

The message is we can ignore our needs and run ourselves ragged because in one day we'll put out all the fires that we've been neglecting for weeks. 

How can any reasonable person think this is healthy or sustainable?  

Finding one day to "clear your head" and "reset" is unrealistic. You can't clean up weeks of mess in a few hours. 

We need to focus less on mental health days and more on mental health moments. 

You have to take care of yourself every day, multiple times a day. 

Engage in self care as often as you need to. Even if it's just for 2 minutes. If you're taking mental health moments, you won't need an entire day to try and undo all of your self neglect.   

It's frustrating that this is not front and center in the mental health conversation. Taking care of yourself is not, and never should be, reserved for special times when all the stars align and you find that ideal moment of solitude. 

Your mental health is also not a bone your employer throws you when they realize they haven't been feeding you properly.

Your mental health is the most important thing you have. If you are struggling mentally, every other part of your life suffers. This is not a secret.  

If you want to keep your mental health day, just know that it should be one tool in your kit, but not the only one. 

Take care of yourself, all day, every day, as often as you need to.   

Take your mental health moments. 

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Impossible

Nothing is impossible? That’s wrong.

There is an entire category of activity that is impossible to achieve.

So many people spend so much time running up a mountain that has no summit, wondering why they never reach happiness.

YOU CAN’T DO A NEGATIVE!!!

I hear it all the time.

I don’t want to be angry.

I’ll stop procrastinating.

I’m not that kind of person.

Trying to achieve a negative doesn’t help you do anything. It only helps you stop doing something. And if you don’t have something to replace what you are stopping, chances are you are going to fall back to your old unhealthy habits.

Think about it this way. If someone is trying to teach you to play guitar and they only tell you how not to position your fingers, what is your logical response? Right. Tell me how to do it!

You can't learn how to do something by doing nothing. 

You can't make progress doing nothing. 

You don’t want to be angry? What do you want to be?

You want to stop procrastinating? What do you want to start doing?

If you aren’t that kind of person, what kind of person are you?

It is impossible to achieve a negative.

Focus on what you want to do.

How you want to do it.

Who you want to be.  

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking the Meeting

It was late in the work day. 

He was enduring his third pointless, contentious meeting, clearly bothered by the tone and lack of productive material being generated. (If you ever don't want to accomplish something, schedule a meeting).

Despite being a senior team member, all of his ideas were quickly shot down. The group leader wasn't shy in showing they didn't have much use for anything he was saying. 

After too much time, the meeting was finally put out of its misery.

As he and a friend were walking out of the conference room, they said to him "That's a miserable way to end the day." 

To which he replied, "It's not the end of my day. It's just the end of that meeting."

for information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com

Rethinking Self Care

I emphatically reject the notion that self care only happens in sacred spaces, at special times and with our essential possessions.   

Do you have 5 seconds to...

Compliment yourself? 

Take a deep breath? 

Stretch your legs?

Actually sip and savor whatever is in your mug?

All of this is self care. 

And it's free. 

You can do it anywhere, any time.

I'm sick of the materialistic dogma telling us self care requires piles of fancy gadgets. Self care is the leading cause of garage sales in America.  

Self care requires one thing: the willingness to take care of yourself.

If you can't find 5 seconds for self care, your problem is not lack of time and stuff. It's lack of trying. 

Stop thinking you have to wait to get home, or the gym, or the beach, to take care of yourself. And that it's hours or days away. Self care abstinence is not a noble endeavor. You aren't a martyr. Your suffering only hurts you. 

There is zero benefit or reason to delay taking care of yourself.

Make self care a normal part of your day, not some hallowed, time-sensitive celebration.  

Take care of yourself all day. 

Every day. 

Wherever you are. 

As many times as you need to. 

For information on individual therapy, contact me at bradleyjabel@gmail.com